The Vegan Outlaw’s Tale

I’m a skinny vegan outlaw trained on green salads who got whupped by angry steroid shooters

Attacked with only my meditative silence and was drowned out by the social media buzz

Found that all my careful recycling had been so jimmied up that it just made stuff cost more

Asked could they just please enforce the laws as I stood quietly outside of their closed doors

I set them factory chickens free but they was too modified to fly and too heavy to walk away

Tore the Cheetos right from them fat little kids orange fingers and they commenced to swearin

Tried to give em broccoli and carrots but they stoned me with em like some Taliban adulteress

Smoked that organic weed a quarter puff at a time and lost all my focus on our nation’s enemies

Jacked up my Hybrid, painted it camouflage and played an mp3 of a diesel pickup truck real loud

Stayed right on the edge of the road even though they threatened my bike with their big SUVs

Defiantly sought food with less salt, sugar and fat, though I wondered why it cost so much more

Spoke right up about feedlots and slaughterhouses but only drew a volley of sardonic laughter

Took to savin water on my lawn until the home owners association threatened me with foreclosure

Conservatives wrote me off to the lunatic fringe for dissing unregulated factory fishing fleets

Was arrested for Duty Interference when I told two fat cops that donuts led to diabetes

Actually refused free beer if it was that hyped factory sewage pimped by the NFL and NASCAR

Stopped my angry macho posturing as that tofu shrank my muscles and softened my brain

Even cast away my suits and ties, deodorants, shower gels, teeth whiteners and body lotions

No All-Natural chicken fingers or dyed and processed, artificially-smoked meat byproduct logs for me

Couldnt drink anything but a little red wine once them one-worlders was done re-educatin me

Grew blind and deaf to grave terrorist threats due to my narrow focus on local sustainability

Offered the obese some fresh fruit but they just threw it down beside their empty soda cans

People-to-people outreach punctured the hot-air boogeymen hydra they floated all around us

Ate the snow that landed on my tongue even though TV said it was loaded with modern toxins

Was smirkingly-ignored for condemning landfills full of fast food castoffs, aluminum and glass

Branded Soft On Defense for noting that we spend more than all the other countries combined

Turned off my TV but kept on paying for cable, left my cellphone at home for $100 a month

Reared back on my hind legs and even refused to memorize sports stats and catchy ad slogans

They briefly observed my quiet contemplation and knowingly pronounced it boring and stupid

Dreamed of beating their lame, noisy, smoking ATVs and snowmachines into tiny electric cars

Sure, I stopped taking them sawdust fiber supplements and adulterated Chinese multivitamins

Crazily mouthed off right in public that if the animals dont have no souls, then neither do we

Recklessly wanted to gamble all of our futures on clean energy and sustainable agriculture

Got so far out as to even begin to ask why illegal workers got arrested but not their bosses

Reneged on my patriotic duty to charge ever more useless shit I did not need and could not afford

Passively rejected the whole wack scenario by flouting their One True God’s edict to multiply

Paradoxically Praying For Reason

Praying to be able to use Your gift of reason to evade the faiths we invented, now used to control us

Trusting in god to permit us to co-exist with all the false-god tricked infidels filling his world

Beseeching him to allow us to stumble upon our own good solutions at our own slow pace

Hoping ‘He’ need not bother to take the time to watch over us at every single moment, 24x7x365

Asking for the blessing of logic to fight off the polished spin of smarmy religious propagandists

Reveling in the wonders, but not mindlessly labeling random tragedies as his unfathomable will

Casting off the myth of some mysterious plan which we must accept, but cannot ever understand

Seeking freedom from mind-numbing, rote-memory fundamentalist literalism, of any stripe

Paradoxically praying that the siege of science by dogmatic religions will somehow be lifted

Asking him to permit us to recreate the worn out legends we have so warped and attributed to him

Pleading to be freed from the psychic bondage they control us with, in his fictional name

Working towards salvation from abusive dogma via reproducible and peer-reviewed results

Casting a blind eye on religious monuments while looking closely within at our empty mystery

Rejecting their narrow and self-centered myth of eternal souls, granted only to we humans

Praying their religious franchises go bankrupt but their churches at last be put to some good use

Calling out the power-hungry who would use our simple need to faith to their own greedy ends

Searching for strength to cast off their easy answers and face the existential questions we fear most

Praying for a faith that does not seek to control us thru ignorance, fear and superstition

Seeking great human wisdom, but not revealed truth in that good literature of scripture

Begging these gods we call love not to order that we smite one another once again, in their names

Asking him to halt the lame demand, mouthed in every political speech that he bless this country

Needing his wisdom to stop righteously killing one another over fictional religions we alone invented

Looking for true inspiration while rejecting wornout fairytales and sighing over children’s prayers

Replacing comic certitude with lonely wailing, shoulder to shoulder, like wolves under cold stars

Praying for reason that we shall not be tricked into misplacing our precious faith once again

Probing for answers without any guidance from an infallible pope’s pompous pronouncements

Placing our belief in mysteries we lack the tools to study or the wisdom to understand

Throwing off their twisted dictums arising from frightened foolishness beaten into revered tradition

Mocking their pomp and pretense while unmasking their empty threats of silly perdition

Combing their worn-out, corny fatwas and ridiculous encyclicals for new comedy sketches

Choosing rationalism over scripture despite the dubious loss of their gilded, antique heavens

Respecting their ancient wisdom but rejecting those who use it now merely as a means to power

Condemning them to publicly self-critique their horrid jihads and crusades as they serve the poor

Chanting mindless rosary mantras to free our minds from the stale doctrines to which they bound us

Praying for reason to cast off their self-granted holy rationalization of ongoing immoral acts

Discovering that a religion must be discarded just like any no longer credible scientific theory

Not In Our Exceptionist Backyard

Let the damn fool Euros go off and smash them whatever hadrons together, anyways

Wont find the tallest skyscrapers anywhere close to this proudly neglected urban blight

Not Even building the largest dams ta produce the most hydroelectric power around here

Ain’t taking the lead in some kind of flaky asteroid investigation mission, either, dammit

Don’t be looking for no far-too-expensive high speed rail in this here one nation under god

That next-gen thorium powerplant wont get built close to our artificially green backyards

My hopey-dopey-changey neighbor’s new solar panels are from china, not sunny SoCal

The greedy innovators of our banking geniuses aren’t backing no micro-finance revolution here

Not foolish enough to tax carbon emissions and threaten our mighty, yet oh-so fragile economy

Waitin on them Asians to ship us tiny, efficient cars that meet our new economic stations

We’re flocking overseas for treatment despite our havin the Worlds Finest Healthcare System

Listen, our kids dont need to be in the global top 10 in reading, math or science ta lead the world

Lettin others innovate that expensive smart power grid before we buy into it  - from them

Energy efficiency and buildin to last is simply not part of our Traditional Family Values®

Just get all them foreign PhDs on back outta here to teach and research and do startups at home

Our agribusiness don’t need ta lead globally by example in protecting precious farming topsoil

Wont find that worlds fastest internet in my neighborhood, not by a long shot, no Siree

Not even trying to produce like more food using less water, fertilizer and pesticides

But we are energetically increasing both our illiteracy and incarceration rates at the same time

Turnin our backs on reason, science and education just as fast as any heathen ayrab foreigners

Lettin our once-good drinking water poison us even as them Bangladeshis finally get clean wells

Nudgin our offshored multitudes towards the peasant lifestyle as Asians take to our former level

Not even demonstratin the benefits of diet, exercise and clean living to the whole world

Arent leading globally in bringing solar, wind and geothermal energy online either, by god

Satisfied back in the international pack in life expectancy, nutrition and infant mortality

Caint create the better jobs they promised when they reaped huge bonuses fer outsourcing us

Spineless coalition building aint catching on with us, the proudly polarized and paralyzed

Wont find none of our giant gas-guzzlers on the jammed streets of any crowded Asian city

Aren’t giving up our global lead in obesity, diabetes and hypertension, no way, not on your life

Proud to stand up against this costly, intrusive, messy and socialistic recycling hoax

Don’t ever bet on us not spending more on arms than all the rest of them losers combined

Aren’t building the newest ships here to bring over our imported oil and electronic gizzies

Replacing manufacturing with no-benefit, poverty-level service jobs faster than them all

Focusing on important issues like flag burning, abortion, gay rights, school prayer and gun laws

Not signing on ta this sustainability scam with the wack and weak-kneed one-worlders

Relying on god and the free marketplace for solutions, not their tired, failed social planning crap

Blindfolded Republican Social Optimization

Our sacred property rights guarantee we can bulldoze no-money-down land for short-term profits

Nobody would even dare raise the immoral question of taxing our sacred religious franchises

The government cannot alter our blessed constitutional rights by banning assault weapons

Earnings go to private enterprise and pointless cleanup is simply intrusive liberal over-regulation

Christ belongs within our government – But you best keep the damn government out of our business

Abortion is a mortal sin but our 4 in 10 fatherless children can be ignored as simply God’s Will

Federal agencies can freely invade any citizen’s privacy and, yes, they may do so in utmost secrecy

Habitat and species preservation are not the responsibility of either government or business

Even if it were not a junk science hoax, climate change is far too complex and expensive to address

We do not torture but know that advanced interrogation methods saved thousands of American lives

You must believe that our bailouts prevented the collapse of the world economy into depression

Spending more on our military than all other countries combined is unquestionably beyond discussion

It is my god-given constitutional right to use an idling 5 ton SUV as my own personal air-conditioner

Regulating and taxing marijuana would surely increase hard drug use and lead to further moral decay

Expenses of clean air and water are neither the concern of business nor the province of government

Fostering profit-motivated solutions will ensure the best healthcare for our poor, sick and elderly

Free market-based pursuit of individual and corporate happiness blindly optimizes our family lives

Voluntary industry guidelines are far more effective than any heavy-handed government regulation

Though evolution is an unproven theory, survival of the fittest does apply to our free enterprise

We may blithely discount the opinions and beliefs of foreigners from our god-granted higher ground

Inviting industry leaders to create government policy behind closed doors fosters democracy

Globalization is inevitable and leads almost altruistically to different lives for everyone

Clean coal is a viable and green, thrifty and quick solution to attain our energy independence

The economic benefits of tax breaks for the richest trickle down to lift the disadvantaged below

Look, the bible plainly states that marriage is a contract, valid only between a man and a woman

We are duty-bound to increase our population to counter the growth of our potential enemies

We are a nation of laws - Laws that we may footnote with signing statements and failure to fund

Outsourced workers must take Personal Responsibility for their own retirement and healthcare needs

Companies must shed their pension obligations to remain competitive in the global marketplace

We must pay closeted CEOs millions or we will lose their immeasurable but irreplaceable talent

We feel we are getting the same engineering expertise overseas at a mere fraction of the cost

Our nonrefundable bonuses based on short term stock price clearly enhance the future of society

Voluntary recycling is a merit badge decision which remains of dubious value to any free society

Real estate developers and their salesmen work conscientiously to better all of our futures

Entrepreneurs who hire illegales do not contribute to some non-violent takeover of our land

All of our exceptionist policies are based upon the reality of our status as god’s one chosen people

Maintaining Our Sacred Dumbocracy

Commend a contempt for any literacy

Cultivate their urge to violence

Enhance the foreign boogeymen

Promote the artificial spectacle

Distract with empty franchised sport

Bury cryptic legalese within fine print

Foster distrust of long-term planning

Dumb down their grades and tests

Play soothing background music

Show peaceful family pictures

Leave journalism to the advertisers

Stay focused on short-term costs

Control science thru political debate

Finance their spot in a fuzzy heaven

Concoct hot-button litmus tests

Pit your enemies against our families

Seed the media with paid spokesmen

Stick to short hyperbolized sound bites

Read canned speeches with great passion

Relentlessly remain on simple, concocted messages

Paint all the issues in black or white

Celebrate with colorful, noisy waste

Always portray them as His Chosen People

Pretend to own the higher moral ground

Belittle those who go in-depth

Substitute tweets for editorials

Forgo plot for special effects

Help them to be dependent on illegal labor

Reward them richly for gutting industr

Label air, water and soil as ignorable externalities

Equate blind greed with patriotism

Cite tradition but ignore real history

Anoint Social Darwinism as god’s will

Call bankers ourA Best and Brightest

Keep fast food and cold beer cheap

Promise them that their kids shall lead the world

Holistic Conservative Economic Initiatives

Forgotten quick-fixes from that Great Recession

If we can just get the banks to start lending again surely everything will bounce right back

With a few less job losses our futures will all seem just as dazzlingly bright as they always used to

When the stock market gets turned around, everything will be just peachy once again

We’ll get the housing sector moving and then we’ll be back once more on our merry way

When we unfreeze the credit markets that oh-so vital consumer spending will rebound

If we can just keep mortgage rates down good old real estate can regain its momentum

We’ll see upticks in the RV, ATV, snowmobile and boat industries when confidence returns

Families can drive to Disneyland in new Cash For Clunkers cars while paying record low gas prices

We’ve got to hold the line on utility costs so homes can be kept at 65º all summer long

Subsidizing without any strings attached the institutions we deem too big to fail should get us moving

If we can just reduce lender uncertainty over possible regulations, credit will flow freely again

We can get back to mid-morning lattes and eating out 3 times a week under such bold initiatives

Stopping well shy of any real reform will help keep the sainted investment banks afloat

We cannot threaten a fragile recovery with the ominous shadow of intrusive government regulation

Printing scads of new money should jumpstart our sacred and all-important economy, once again

If we can just get retail sales moving our cycle of consumer borrowing on Asian imports can resume

If we can just get the economy back on track, we may even be able to take up some other issues

Granting federal money at 0% interest will surely convince the big banks to lend once again

We’ll also go ahead and guarantee the loans they make with the money that we give them

Right now we just need to remain totally fixed upon increasing GDP for this current quarter

Retaining focus on core economic issues must remain our single most important priority

If we can just boost consumer confidence they’ll save us by charging more imported big-screens

We’d like to see the tweenie mall spending rate start bumping upwards once again

Jittery markets just might stabilize with massive infusions of new cash, so we’ll try it

After all the bailout have been distributed, we might even discuss gaining control of the deficit

With a little more time, surely the free market will develop a profitable healthcare solution

If we can just remove their debt, dealer and pension obligations, car builders will flourish

Postponing expensive emissions actions for just a little while will give us some breathing room

We simply need to calmly stroke those jittery markets with gentle and reassuring financial voices

Those flighty hairdressers and decorators who control stock prices just hate all this uncertainty

Providing the merest bit of economic light should quash this unproductive consumer saving trend

If we can just get back to spending more than we earn, surely we can go on living happily ever after

It Ain’t My Libtard Place

How you choose to burn the fuel you’ve by God paid for ain’t no freekin concern of mine

It ain’t none of my business how much noise your gas-powered toys jam down everbody’s ears

I shouldn’t mention that your emissions foul the air for myself and all of our descendants

I just need to shut the fuck up about your so-called recreation destroying our precious national lands

It ain’t my place to say you don’t need a shoddy but retail-outlet-sized house for 4 people

Who am I to tell you to help curb overpopulation by limiting your precious children?

How dare I suggest our traditional values to be merely some recently ginned-up political advertising?

On which socialist authority do I demand that you lose a few pounds of your pseudo-muscular fat?

I shouldn’t say that we don’t have a god-given right to cheap goods made by asian slave labor

By whose socialist decree do I try and make you go out and do some boring and stupid exercise?

It takes me a lot of gall to say your kids should learn grammar and spelling before they start texting

How dare I put the ecosystems that support us all in front of your good jobs and family welfare?

It ain’t my business if you choose to use your idling truck for an overweight personal air-conditioner

By what right do I ask you to turn down the music after you paid to get into this here campground?

it takes me a lotta cowardly nerve to say that we need to drastically reduce military spending

It’s way elitist of me to contend that you’ll only ever fight global warming with your thermostats

It ain’t my place to criticize a bailout for your over-leveraged, underwater home loan

Who gave me the authority to demand that you drive some skinny vegan electric car?

Why should I think you should take interest in world events instead of watching NFL and NASCAR?

I got no right to make you give up double meat bacon cheeseburgers or yer 40 oz, Mountain Dew

It ain’t my business that you drive alone to the cube farm in an SUV built for 8 obese adults

How dare I to mutter yer one true god don’t bless America and we really ain’t his one chosen people?

It ain’t any of my concern that Ponzi finance traders make 19000 times more than average folks

Why should I actually care if the future is over-populated, strip-mined, poisoned and always at war?

It ain’t my job to preach that we used up the resources needed to pay the debts we leave behind

Who am I to judge our closeted corporate leaders who may well be full of eternal wisdom?

Why would I think farmers know better than bonus-driven BigAg execs about sustainable methods?

What gives me the right to reset economic priorities based on junk science and fuzzy math scams?

I can’t arrest you for dropping your food wrappers and smoky butts wherever you see fit

It ain’t up to me to get all in up in your face about your comically-wornout, fairytale religions

Nobody appointed me to tell you that you waste all our resources just wasting your precious time

How can I even dare to suggest that them krauts and frenchies might possibly even have a clue?

Who told me I could pester you with this socialist nonsense of climate change and mass extinctions?

It ain’t my place to bore you with trivial details when there’s something good on the big screen

What the hell was I thinking anyway, trying to tell you what’s right and wrong for you to eat?

No need to listen when I say either all of god’s life forms have a soul or none of us actually can

Please Help The Bankers

‘To date, no executives have faced prosecution for the widespread mortgage fraud that fueled the bubble’ - billmoyers.com

We’ve got to help the bankers for they’ve always been here for us during our times of need

Stood right there fighting by our sides with us, whenever the financial seas got rough

Weren’t afraid to go to bat for us even if it meant going out on a limb in terms of their own risk

Had our best interests right next to their hearts as they wisely greased the economic skids

Helped ensure sure we stayed on track with the savings we needed for our retirement

Looked beyond their personal gain to the good of our families and our blessed land

Did not scan us merely for short-term profit potential but rather helped us as neighbors and friends

Most probably they often let deals go untaken if they did not help further community interests

Greeted us by name when we walked in and kept our home loans safely guarded, right here in town

Lived just like the other honest folks and had the same dreams as us normal families

They surely did not let computer models back at corporate HQ make their lending decisions

Now it’s our turn to help them out a bit so together we can all get back on track again

Weren’t blinded by greed for the outlandish bonuses given for ruining all of our futures

Didn’t wrap No-Income, No-Job, No-Asset loans in fake TripleA tranches to sell to insurance trusts

Wouldn’t pay clueless 20 something, so-called, financial engineers millions for CDO con schemes

Never avoided all regulation by saying it stifled their creative innovation in free financial markets

Never crowned themselves as the best and the brightest, too-big-to-fail, masters of the universe

They certainly wouldn’t use gov’t bailout money for mergers while foreclosing upon their friends

Come on everybody let’s pull together: Banks are the circulation system of a healthy economy

Anyway, we all have some problems every now and then, so please, no finger-pointing

Neighbors at your local bank actually aren’t simply puppets of greedy New York financiers

They didn’t give themselves billions in bonuses for gambling on dicey hedges and derivatives

Wouldn’t help themselves to bailout money bonuses while tightening up on your loan standards

We must help them or, as they say, it will get so much worse than you could ever imagine

Weren’t so foolish as to leverage all of us into bankruptcy based on a voodoo finance risk model

But you really can’t blame them for taking some advantage of artificially low interest rates

After all, their own loans didn’t ratchet up out of sight even before the ink was printed on the paper

Oh, no, it wasn’t them that hid old car debt in new and already underwater auto leases

They never masked home equity loans covering credit card debt as profitable re-financing plays

It wasn’t them who drove the market for penthouses and luxury goods sky high with their bonuses

They didn’t immediately dump un-scrutinized loans for a fat profit and then totally disown them

They would never have made billions hedging heavily on the failure of their very own investment funds

Our town bankers wouldn’t grant loans without credit checks and income verification

Their CEOs didn’t hide trillions in unregulated CDOs and under-audited derivatives

They didn’t collectively freeze up in fear that their peers’ secret assets were also worthless

We must help the bankers now because it’s certainly obvious that they would do the same for us

God Granted Me This Fairytale Serenity

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change”

I note, freed of that dark anxiety, the global mass extinction our over-existence nurtures every day

Calmly I accept the reality of a hotter, drier, dustier and dirtier world, where we all must live

No more do I trouble my mind over CO2 levels to which I must contribute but cannot control

I pursue zenlike tranquility, emptying my mind by flipping channels thru potentially anxious nights

Unregulated exotic chemicals in our drinking water can no longer disturb my meditative state

I placidly accept the degradation, poisoning and erosion of our precious soil by industrial agriculture

Loss of habitat does not threaten me, as I twitter safe and warm here in my techno-burrow

I gaze into that hazy and starless urban night with what I can construe to be a quiet satisfaction

There is a blind equanimity to be found in simply ignoring the poverty and suffering of others

Deep media immersion smothers and deafens any anxiety which might falsely overcome me

In a benignly-induced trance, I emptily partake of our grisly and unsustainable food chain

Verily does my true spirit rise above the ever-knottier cluster constituting our irreversible advance

God granted me the serenity to shut the hell up, bend over and take all that which I cannot change

I sagely accept that selfish vanity, greed and insecurity are key traits of modern day leaders

Endlessly repeating the simple mantra of You Cant Stop Progress properly spins my spiritual journey

I quietly condone piling debt on their futures while we waste the resources they need to pay them

I have learned that worry over our huge number of self-inflicted crises is but a false shibboleth

I can rightly get on with the future and leave our guilty past behind in a jumbled, half-forgotten blur

It is with a certain calm that I adapt the insensate gouging of good croplands into cheap stripmalls

My health and happiness have been enhanced by letting go my fuzzy and unrealistic youthful idealism

Trust in the wisdom of His inscrutable way has banished the awful uncertainty which beset me

I am able to drive right on past our decaying infrastructure without even a second thought

A vision of the seas as stripmined, unregulated dumps can no longer perturb my cauterized emotions

No more must I futilely obsess over our sacred, morbidly-bloated, utterly-wasteful military budget

I lost fear of bearing personal-responsibility for my own uninsured health and scam-complex finances

I simply cast aside the burden of wasted anger over our people’s ignorance, illiteracy and attitude

That I must work until at least 70 but will be laid off for good at 50 no longer fills me with dread

With the sublime detachment granted me by my meds I disassociate myself from humanity’s future

I have made a lasting peace with all the eternal, random, angry and empty noise we produce

Internalizing the temporal nature of our vast wastefulness allows me to see far without seeing it

Accepting our unique possession of eternal souls has revealed the wisdom of our divine dominion

Now I can embrace my tenured dull manager who remains willfully ignorant and bristles with venality

I can blandly cope with their artificially-induced stress over arbitrary deadlines on useless projects

I have been imparted the ability to disagree with a silence that they act upon as my tacit acceptance

It has come as a relief to see how easily I place ever more on that big pile of things I cannot change

God has granted me the wisdom to overlook, ignore, compartmentalize or be far too busy for

Their Phony Ecological Concern

So we buy a couple pockets of old-growth big tree forest and turn them into monuments

We’ll clean up one or two token rivers and plant a few fish and take many pictures

We can do a couple of clean coal projects and print a hopeful pamphlet on recycled paper

Maybe we could subsidize a model green suburb with garages back behind, in the alleys

A proof of concept community school or two should keep their expectations in check

We can publish voluntary standards on protecting croplands and leave agribusiness to self-regulation

We’ll study the decline and mutation of the frogs and make toothless scientific recommendations

Maybe publicize power plant mercury emissions so that industry voices a cleanup commitment

We’ll force cars to be 90% more clean and efficient, then put twice as many on the road

We’ll save threatened wonders by opening them to the miracle of corporate tourism

We’ll make cleaner snowmachines and ATVs and ask them to please stay on the trails

We’ll strive to recycle more paper to China to make our import packaging even cheaper

Some stamps with pictures of endangered songbirds will demonstrate our great concern

It’ll be far cheaper to say we are raising people’s awareness rather than taking any real action

We can pass more landmark legislation and then quietly fail to deliver on the funding, once again

We’ll slowly adapt our children to dirty water, fouled air and a squalid, littered over-population

We’ll call for comprehensive reform, created by lobbyists, and then poison it with unrelated pork

We’ll un-muzzle our scientists but let our corpro-media out them as wackos with clever soundbites

We can shout above the noise pollution that it is not an issue even worthy of any discussion

A greenish packaging change and an All-Natural slogan ought to keep our numbers up

Concoct phony market-based solutions to problems no free economy was ever meant to solve

Label it expensive and intrusive gov’t regulation and play it off against families, jobs and money

Showcase opportunities for a few starving children but don’t ever even mention slashing population

Talk of reducing emissions to 1990s levels like that would restore some kind of half-assed equilibrium

Promote a couple show species to star status even as our global mass extinction gathers speed

Propose a bulky, readily-subverted cap and trade scam instead of a simple carbon tax

Institutionalize calls for further study as a means for simply continuing on with business as usual

Contract out pre-determined research results and trumpet it loudly towards our own sales ends

Advertising our warm commitment to future, family and environment should gin up wide good will

We’ll trumpet a little renewable energy research while permitting more new coal-fired plants

We’ll say we’re good stewards but depend on higher property and sales taxes for our existence

Just ignore military recommendations and keep the bloated cash cow bases in our own states open

We’ll pay off liberatarian ranchers if a wolf takes a cow grazing for next to nothing on federal lands

Sportsmen will soon adjust to expensive, trucked-in, hatchery trout in dirty, drying reservoirs

We might restructure capitalism to factor in phony environmental costs to avoid socialist regulation

The MulltiNats will cure societal inequity by simply reducing all workers to a bare subsistence level

A high self-esteem and vast sense of entitlement

We want stimulating and secure jobs that pay well with lots of free and untaxed health benefits

Yes, and my devotion to my children should be at least a partial criteria for my promotions

We need lots of leisure time to share with our families free from nagging financial worries

Don’t want OUR lives to be totally dominated by such boring demands as work and money

Have to be able to focus on pleasure-seeking and still be pushed up that organization

We should remain in line for fat bonuses without sacrificing our wired online souls

Our precious children shall remain as the first and most important priority of our lives

Wont sacrifice social networking for overly-long periods of like, focused concentration

Striving to fulfill ourselves with an unending list of quickly-forgotten adventure vacations

Still balancing work against life even though our jobs are so quickly being offshored, forever

We demand that we be accommodated - Even as they have us train our 3^rd world replacements

More fast-food family time in front of corpro-entertainment is what nurtures our spirits

We need space to assimilate the fractal twittering in which we have immersed ourselves

More and more we choose to chat online over struggling with whatever project schedules

A high self-esteem and vast sense of entitlement ensure that we maintain a proper focus

We need to balance this work life with high CO2 emission trips to extreme sports venues

The Music is important and streaming services are setting us free from tired office slavery

Just got to have an investment home but there’s no time to try and learn to take care of it

Looking for more, over the screaming kids and squawking media during our own free time

We demand a richly rewarding sex life, colorful entertainment and a good night’s sleep

Need time to shuttle children to and fro and it better not be held against me by the boss

Quite happy using a negative savings rate for all the best in life, which we so richly deserve

They simply must keep increasing our benefits without ever mentioning any higher taxes

No way are we letting our short and precious time here be frittered away on trivial jobs

If they expect me to learn some lame new skills they better be paying me to do it from home

Going to free up some home gaming time nuking instant dinners and setting paper plates

Look, my kids and family are what’s important but I’ll sue if I don’t get the raise he does

You might be my boss, yet I answer only to my personal savior during our private dialogs

You best care for Mother and insure my kids without some death panel healthcare takeover

Won’t fret over the fine print technical details if there’s a catchy sound bite available

Gotta balance my tired job, sullen offspring and lying greasy politicians with hyped media events

Looking for more than being a veal calf in some prairie dog cube farm, even if it’s in hi-def 3D

Went to a couple yoga classes and got a few cotton shopping bags around here somewhere

Wont see me end up eating and draining thru tubes that are changed out by low-paid immigrants

Eyeing a 300 hp hybrid and thinking about subsidized solar on top of my un-insulated roof

Looking way beyond the mundane rat race almost every Sunday down at our mega-church

So, you can tell I do see there’s so much more to life and that I carefully balance, Having It All

Building Merica’s Thousand Year Reich

And thusly, would it remain forever, Morning In Merica

Believed that “change is the way of all things” is a justification for endless greedy takings

Demeaned science as fuzzy yet maintained a crystal clear vision of His paradise, awaiting us

Never took the time to make sense of things yet still wondered why the old were all so confused

Preached that market competition would efficiently & automatically solve any and all social ills

Spoke of our values and traditions as we tossed aside more valuable recyclables each and every day

Went forth multiplying blindly, blissfully righteous, given the blessings of our very own one true god

Wisely kept government out of the so-called business of habitat and species preservation

Built strong children in front of TV on factory white bread and cheap, tortured byproduct burgers

Quietly nurtured a proud illiteracy to enable our puppet leaders to simplify choices and explanations

Sold defense, banking, insurance, oil, agriculture and healthcare oligopolies our unhindered access

Made damn sure our progress wasn’t stalled by wastefully expensive environmental non-issues

Looked forward to a 1000 Year Reich powered only by ever-increasing consumer credit spending

Erected Import temple malls using illegales working with the cheapest materials available

Spent more per year than all other countries combined on defense to hold off their bogeymen

Doggedly recognized the evils of that tired socialism as it continually raised its ugly, wornout head

Mouthed ‘You can’t stop progress’ as the ultimate rationale for all our smash and grab profit

Impersonally advanced society via outsourcing engineering, production and support overseas

Gifted our sage leaders huge non-refundable bonuses based on the quarterly stock numbers

Institutionalized calls for more study as a method for defeating all forms of junk regulatory proposals

Ended each and every speech with the unashamed exceptionist demand that God Bless America

Used ‘too costly in jobs and money’ as a durable defense against any and all intrusive regulation

Entrusted our future to greed-blinded, furtive corporate leaders and their camera-hungry politicians

Called for Personal Responsibility while callously shedding pensions, debts and workers

Subsidized an unarmed takeover by illegal Hispanics as we fought a faraway war on terror

Replaced long-term planning with stall tactics until issues could be deemed too expensive to address

Hallucinated a healthy long-term economy powered only by financial services and retail sales

Denied our total reliance upon a healthy environment using the phony shibboleth of jobs and families

Piled debts upon the future even as we furiously wasted the resources they would need to pay them

Named as our Best and Brightest the vain who created quasi-mathematical financial Ponzi schemes

Ruled that externalities like water and air were not problems for either business or government

Left our soils, crops and animals to the ever monthly cost and stock price watchful evil eye of BigAg

Declared that the future would take care of itself if only left free of burdensome gov’t regulations

Divorced ourselves from natural cycles in favor of mass immersion in co-opted, vapid media trends

Infused our loud and willful ignorance with self-granted righteousness and unwarranted macho pride

Increasingly relied on overseas sources for vitals such as technology, food, drugs and consumer goods

Sarcastically belittled the stupid freaking foreigners from our exalted position as Gods chosen people

Namaste, Butthead

    नमस्ते

Namaste, oh, venerated Master of the Universe, the divine in me recognizes the divine in you

Surely you are the Best and the Brightest as evidenced by your truly transformational greed

Greetings, oh beloved next generation whom we have so carefully brought forth and protected

Soon you must ignore us as but irrelevant and doddering, purposeless and lost, old fools

I recognize in your greasy and sweating obesity the effort to attend to that internal eternal

Layers of fat distancing you from the illusory clamor of the too material and very temporal world

Namaste, oh wise and beneficent CorproExecs, meditating inside safely locked compounds

Your lack of morals reflective of the Great Void that you will so soon rejoin once again, forever

Namaste, to our eternally patient and long-suffering domesticated, vegetarian cousins

Our industrially-efficient, franchised holocaust surely earns each of you so much good karma

Salutations oh lawyers, your gifts wasted on forms of deliberate and unnecessary over-complication

Now that you hate yourself and your once-honored profession, I would almost share your pain

I bow to you - Fat and loudly cursing, proudly illiterate, drunken, redneck fellow pilgrims

May your ATVs and pickups, jetskis, snowmobiles, dirtbikes and speedboats always loudly bray

Namaste, rich and well-connected son whose only real job has been as a political sock puppet

Greatest success on your new career as elder statesman, we await your fairytale memoirs

Namaste, my criminal brother, clinging to your brutal lifestyle like a wet rat in a dirty flood

I respect your cruel focus like the looming empty eternity into which we are both certainly slipping

Yaar, I feel that overwhelming force which drives your greedy and so short-term ambitions

I honor your selfish centering amid this turbulent confusion that leaves us with but a hazy blur

I nod in admiration, holy snake oil salesman cloaked in odd vestments and stale traditions

Making an honored, tax-free living pimping worthless divine life insurance on fictional eternal souls

Namaste to my 1 billion brothers shackled to unspeakable poverty and inescapable filth

We could each share about 1/5 of a cent and exhaust the $2M they say I need for my retirement

Namaste revered arms-producing protectors, for holding phony bogeymen away from our shores

We dare not speak against fat annual budget increases lest we be labeled Soft On Defense

I watch in awe there, my target market brother, as you manage to ignore so many issues

Your Zenlike focus upon consumerism blocking out the squishes foolish socialist squeaking

I salute your botox and cosmetic surgeries, your hair dyes, implants and your miracle fat melters

For surely these all help you down that great Middle Way towards a wider cosmic understanding

Namaste young peasants working 14 hour days, sleeping 20 to a room who earn $100 a month

I support your struggle for a better life by charging the cheap goods you make but cannot afford

Namaste, all my fundamentalist brothers of every ignorant, uncompromising and angry stripe

I recognize your merciless, amoral righteousness as a but a short, violent prelude to eternal paradise

May your devotion to the mindless pleasure of explosively-empty corpro-entertainment be exalted

For just how far can it be from the enlightenment gained by daily repeating Om Mani Padme Hum?

How Real Conservatives Sacrifice

‘Let us sacrifice our today so that our children can have a better tomorrow.’  A.P.J. Abdul Kalam

To feed divinely-mandated population growth, we seek more intensive farming on increased acreage

We must abandon this foolish carbon tax idea that threatens an ever-fragile economic recovery

Sadly, we will not even be able to debate funding the cleanup of our surface waters right now

The savings of the thrifty must be sacrificed to no-strings-attached bailouts for the moneychangers

The Pygmies and the Inuit must help pay our dues, right along with the Orangs and the Bonobos

We ask that desert species permanently accept this new hotter, drier and windier order

Microscopic ocean life forms will simply have to adapt to consuming our rain of plastic particulates

Migrating elephants must stop feeding upon the crops we now must grow on their ancient pathways

We propose massive cuts to biodiversity to be offset by large increases in human numbers

Many un-cataloged rain forest species must be replaced by new bioengineered monocrops

To meet our taste for fish we must foster their extinction by driving up their prices

Corporate farms will be forced to degrade the soils to meet the nutritional needs of good families

Consumers must accept ecologically devastating imports which don’t work, then simply break

Trees need to begin migrating to survive this absolutely unpreventable, unproven change in climate

The frogs had best be making some kind of peace with their inevitable and imminent extinction

We are drafting a plan to pack ever more of our people into sprawling unmanaged ghettos

Healthcare spending must be slashed as it threatens such truly important items as defense

We must enforce the tacit global agreement to collectively bury our heads in the sand

Please grant your old jobs to foreigners and believe that the better ones come to you tomorrow

We ask that polar bears and musk oxen take Personal Responsibility for their adaptation

Nearly all of us must accept a uniformly low living standard in the name of globalization

It is not without some regret that we unveil our new energy independence through coal initiative

During these times of real crisis, noise and light pollution are simply not on our agenda

We must secretly violate your privacy to prevent more awful attacks we cannot mention

We ask mothers to carry PCBs, metals and hormones in their milk for the sake of our progress

Our people must bravely sacrifice their children’s futures to fulfill their own implanted desires

The songbirds shall be called upon to disappear from their shredded habitats everywhere

Our rivers will have to carry the burden of our billion points of unconscious toxic runoff

The last old growth forests will be asked to provide us with a few bad, but temporary logging jobs

Sales reps of all one true gods must demand blinder faith for empty promises of eternal salvation

Bankers will be asked to endure symbolic wrist-slappings as they grasp at more unaudited handouts

Oil companies must accept record profits on a declining supply yet subvert all energy alternatives

For the sake of leaving not one child behind, we seek a general dumbing down of all of society

We petition coal extractors to patriotically hold down costs thru non-remediated strip-mining

Regrettably, as His chosen people we must pursue a cowboy exceptionist foreign policy, in His name

In this time of shared sacrifice we ask for a continued suspension of our collective common sense

It's All Good Bro

The former Precious Phildren

Arrived late and unaware of what I should have already done

Smashed up somebody’s car without any money or insurance

Lost the paperwork for that other real important application

It’s all good

Shrunk the girlfriend’s favorite sweater small enough to fit a doll

Drove the car with squeaking brakes until they could not be fixed

Dropped beer cans, butts and wrappers all over and then we drove away

It’s all good

Moved to another rental, left a mess and didn’t pay the utilities

Stayed up ‘til 4 with music blaring, through the neighbor’s windows

Plastered my beater with plastic decals, broke down, then walked away

It’s all good

Lived on fast food and froot-loops and forgot to take out the trash

Financed my life on credit cards and invested in gaming equipment

Partied at college for a few years and almost got a worthless degree

It’s all good

Proved myself incompetent at work though regularly late and often sick

Did not finish some lame project that others were depending on

Tried to do a trick on some extreme toy and shattered my wrist

It’s all good

Got fat before I got old while laughing at my parents from the couch

Paid hundreds for my shoes and left them carelessly, somewhere behind

Got all my term papers from some website and dude, I never even read them

It’s all good

Went off to California to become a trick pro snowboarder

Crept back to mommie’s house next spring with a bent and broken shoulder

Bought a crotch rocket on credit and the very first day I lost it on a curve

It’s all good

Had no money for the dentist until my tooth really started hurting

Had two bad temporary jobs and learned to talk an imitation blues

Got an iPod, a cell phone and a gaming laptop but I really hate to read

It’s all good

I’m off the Ritalin and Prozac that my parents forced on me for years

Now I calm my self with shooters and self-medicate with BC bud

I can really skateboard if your company has an opening

It’s all good

The doors don’t work on my car but my speakers cost 500 each

Not into history and all that shit that happened back like in the ‘60s

Looking for more out of life than what my parents expect from me

It’s all good

Despite reality, we retain our positive self images and play well together

Got a couple STDs and maybe a little brain damage from X and the huffing

Looking for my own path in life and volunteering at a Meth lab

It’s all good

Don’t have a need to do the math and I don’t carry any books

Stimulated my brain with Grand Theft and that badass Puff Daddy

I’m really quite alert even though my eyes remain cast down and closed

It’s all good

Left my messes in the kitchen until my roommates all raged

Put the garbage in the yard and then the dogs spread it all around

Cigarettes can’t really hurt me and it’s ok to stay out in the sun

It’s all good

Lost my driver’s license last year at some big rave party

Left home but hooked up with Jerry’s kids to follow Phish all around

Into instant messaging and Twitter keeps me in touch with reality

It’s all good

Went to private school and had my own tutor so everybody sees I’m special

Dyed my hair and pierced my navel and put tattoos on my tongue

Sleeping late and then eating heavily is the way to start the day

It’s all good

Shared music files and network gaming are raising my consciousness

Ordering takeout Thai from my support job saves me time to tweet

Drove the other car my dad gave me until it wouldn’t go no more

It’s all good

Don’t know how the old people got so fat and bald and slow

Spend my time on couches killing electronic thugs and monsters

My friend said her dad’s computer had a virus right after we just used it

It’s all good

I’ve got good taste in food and make $11 an hour on the phone with losers

Sold my guitar amp on eBay but never got the money

It’s like, hey, whatever, just because I can’t find Somfukinstan on a map

It’s all good

Our Comic Cosmic Rationalizations

They see that it must all be good, for it all amounts to the same in the fullness of cosmic time

We can waste, pollute and destroy since we’re merely a single atom in one infinite universe

Our puny ruins cannot be distinguished from the greater entropy that’s proceeding on, all around us

Doomed as we most surely are, we need not have a care for our actions or our attitudes

We can freely pursue any selfish interest, for it will really make no difference in any possible end

It’s safe to assure them they’re god’s chosen people knowing divine retribution is just a myth

Given the Void, any and all political spin or cover-up is justified if it advances our own greedy cause

For the earth is doomed to be swallowed by the sun in the not too distant cosmic future

Practicing Social Darwinism on future generations might actually help make them stronger

We need not burden ourselves with concerns over some future beyond our own event horizon

Given our brief emergence from emptiness, we can, and should, act just to please ourselves

There is good reason to nurture and take advantage of their foolish need to blind faith

The effects of our short population bloom will be so quickly diluted as to be of no concern

Earth has witnessed other mass extinctions and all life on this planet is doomed, in any case

We can blithely finance fictional eternal souls for them, if it gains us riches and control

We may as well call the suffering and death of war inevitable if it helps fulfill our need to power

In the end, conservation and preservation amount to as much as exploitation and depredation

We might as well profit from these random yet happy circumstances that support us right now

We can languish in cruel poverty or struggle to vast riches, and it winds up all the same

There’s no point in saving if some fool will offer us free credit during these short lives

We’re going the way of the dinosaurs, only faster, so it’s best to quickly grab all we can

There’ll be no way to tell and nobody to notice even if you could save just a few trees

The good and the bad are indistinguishable in the ash and the dust to which we return

Our greatest efforts cannot even slightly impair the life force that spreads with the universe

Saving the planet is as fanciful a notion as the potential reward of an everlasting paradise

Our small choices lie within the mindless, yet absolute certitude, that guides flowing water

Sensibly, we adjust our ethics with the situation, time, place and our current selfish needs

Let them listen to the sound of one hand clapping, even as our other empties their pockets

The unknowable silently rationalizes any action for which we choose to invoke it

Incomprehensible infinity dilutes the effects of all of our acts to an immaterial immeasurability

Our imminent and permanent return to the void best frames all of our plans for the future

Thus, may shortsighted and self-centered concerns cosmically guide our pursuit of happiness

Industry Self-Regulation Not Gov’t Intrusion

Surely logging interests wouldn’t clearcut so far as to silt up the streams and ruin riparian habitat

Hog farmers will responsibly provide us with affordable chops without just dumping all the manure

Altruistic corporate leaders won’t boost profits with cheaper, un-inspected, foreign food ingredients

Surely it can’t cost us a hundred times what it costs Africans for the privilege of having a cell phone

Oil producers will surely have proven tested contingency plans and practiced emergency procedures

Factories won’t simply dump untested new chemicals just because there’s not yet a law against them

Surely banks would not bet against funds they built to fail yet still push them to good customers

Secret internal monitoring will probably prevent rogue perverted clergy from molesting our children

Insurers would never pay commissions for twisting arcane technicalities to deny costly procedures

We also don’t need government death panels making treatment decisions for good family doctors

Unregulated mountain top removal will yield us a safe and cheap, coal-based energy independence

You really can count on wise global oligarchs, meeting in secret, to craft a better world for us all

Trust selfless defense contractors to patriotically hold down costs and not invent bogeymen

Unconstrained, agribusiness will conserve water, provide safe foods and sustain our soils forever

Industries will self-regulate to reduce CO2 emissions even though it may even reduce their profits

Setting the amount of salt, calories and fats in our food is best left to corporate marketers

The Best and Brightest over there on Wall Street must be permitted unfettered financial innovation

Supply and demand will prevent invisible multinationals from strip-mining the open seas of all life

Heavy-handed rules and regulation can only cost hard-working families excessive jobs and money

Industry councils will devise voluntary guidelines to properly address virtually any issue

BigPharma wont push phony lifestyle drugs, ignore 3^rd world suffering and jack up generic prices

The informed consumer will wisely avert epidemics of obesity, diabetes and coronary disease

Lifetime judges would never actively misinterpret the constitution to misconstrue the people’s will

Monopolies, tariffs and subsidies without oversight or taxes are not the only corporate lobbying goals

Investment banks do not use their unregulated financial creativity to blackmail world markets

Lawyers would never let their ads degenerate into despicably misleading sales pitches to sufferers

Real estate professionals nobly self-monitor conflicts of interest, omissions and deceptions

Gamblers, smokers and drinkers can retain control of their lives thru Personal Responsibility

Carmakers would’ve tackled safety, economy and emissions themselves without intrusive mandates

Food conglomerates don’t need oversight for targeting kids with addiction to caffeine, sugar and fat

Merging cable providers actually does increase competition, efficiency and lowers consumer prices

A fuel of blind sociopathic greed guided by short term stock gains yields our globally optimum future

No one would dream of creating a non-profit to swindle duped donors out of contributions

Fuzzy and expensive sustainability policies lead back down the slippery slope of that failed socialism

Unfettered, untraceable access to any type of weapon is a god-given, constitutionally-enshrined right

Secretly spying on our private lives requires no oversight if we, as citizens really have nothing to hide