Blindfolded Republican Social Optimization

Our sacred property rights guarantee we can bulldoze no-money-down land for short-term profits

Nobody would even dare raise the immoral question of taxing our sacred religious franchises

The government cannot alter our blessed constitutional rights by banning assault weapons

Earnings go to private enterprise and pointless cleanup is simply intrusive liberal over-regulation

Christ belongs within our government – But you best keep the damn government out of our business

Abortion is a mortal sin but our 4 in 10 fatherless children can be ignored as simply God’s Will

Federal agencies can freely invade any citizen’s privacy and, yes, they may do so in utmost secrecy

Habitat and species preservation are not the responsibility of either government or business

Even if it were not a junk science hoax, climate change is far too complex and expensive to address

We do not torture but know that advanced interrogation methods saved thousands of American lives

You must believe that our bailouts prevented the collapse of the world economy into depression

Spending more on our military than all other countries combined is unquestionably beyond discussion

It is my god-given constitutional right to use an idling 5 ton SUV as my own personal air-conditioner

Regulating and taxing marijuana would surely increase hard drug use and lead to further moral decay

Expenses of clean air and water are neither the concern of business nor the province of government

Fostering profit-motivated solutions will ensure the best healthcare for our poor, sick and elderly

Free market-based pursuit of individual and corporate happiness blindly optimizes our family lives

Voluntary industry guidelines are far more effective than any heavy-handed government regulation

Though evolution is an unproven theory, survival of the fittest does apply to our free enterprise

We may blithely discount the opinions and beliefs of foreigners from our god-granted higher ground

Inviting industry leaders to create government policy behind closed doors fosters democracy

Globalization is inevitable and leads almost altruistically to different lives for everyone

Clean coal is a viable and green, thrifty and quick solution to attain our energy independence

The economic benefits of tax breaks for the richest trickle down to lift the disadvantaged below

Look, the bible plainly states that marriage is a contract, valid only between a man and a woman

We are duty-bound to increase our population to counter the growth of our potential enemies

We are a nation of laws - Laws that we may footnote with signing statements and failure to fund

Outsourced workers must take Personal Responsibility for their own retirement and healthcare needs

Companies must shed their pension obligations to remain competitive in the global marketplace

We must pay closeted CEOs millions or we will lose their immeasurable but irreplaceable talent

We feel we are getting the same engineering expertise overseas at a mere fraction of the cost

Our nonrefundable bonuses based on short term stock price clearly enhance the future of society

Voluntary recycling is a merit badge decision which remains of dubious value to any free society

Real estate developers and their salesmen work conscientiously to better all of our futures

Entrepreneurs who hire illegales do not contribute to some non-violent takeover of our land

All of our exceptionist policies are based upon the reality of our status as god’s one chosen people

Certainly Mankind Is No Cancer

And there is a market-based solution for every ill…

Filthy, unplanned, sprawling slums girdling the worlds cities surely pose no global threat

This purported mass extinction does not implicate humanity in a bogus global holocaust

Those who view man as a plague upon their neutered New Age paradise deserve our scorn

Our growing population certainly does not threaten some storybook eco-loco balance

Aliens would not view the flowering of humanity as a swarming of maggots upon the earth

Our rightful ascendancy is wrongly seen by the green zombies as destructive and temporary

We are properly concerned first and primarily with the economies which feed our good families

War is not some outdated, insane societal flaw but an ethical, moral and genetic imperative

Man is no cancer spreading to threaten fairytale, otherwise healthy and stable ecosystems

Our progress is not intimately bound to the degradation of air, water, soil and biodiversity

Look, capitalism simply mirrors nature’s unassailable law of survival of the fittest

Socialist planning is not the answer to the overblown problems invented by the squishes

Our corporate fishing fleets certainly do not constitute some vast strip-mining of the seas

Worldwide rain forest timber harvests simply are not as destructive as a vocal minority claims

Spreading deserts and melting ice are natural phenomena to which we can adapt, if necessaery

Adding artificial taxes on emissions quickly taints the purity of the sublime free market system

Damming and channelizing rivers for water, flood control and power are not at all acts of evil

Blowing soil erosion along with heavy doses of fertilizers, pesticides and fossil water is not sinful

Our triumphantly-righteous spread is falsely viewed by whimpering vegans as totally unsustainable

Their twisted world view labels nearly all of our progress as some kind of malignant metastization

They would have our families crouch in cold darkness chewing on rotten organic vegetables

Our economic growth cannot reasonably be described as a blind and greedy self-destruction

Unlike microbes on Agar plates, human numbers are not governed by kings or natural resources

Their Chicken Little fables of earthly collapse are tactics to stifle our sincere efforts at progress

Providing honest clean coal energy at low prices to consumers is no crime against humanity

Eco scare tactics are mostly used to preserve their elite viewsheds and keep out the working class

Our civilization is certainly no scabby pox upon some illusory pristine and perfect earth

For the love of god, we must actually quicken development to feed our growing numbers

Human society is not some temporary destructive aberration which must soon disappear

Our survival is not intimately linked to that of the lower microbes, plants or even animals

We most certainly are not selfishly dumping problems beyond our abilities upon future generations

It is immoral to label the, likely only temporary, side effects of our progress as wanton devastation

Hey, we could all still be hunter-gatherers shivering in caves with barely fire and dogs on our sides

Our tools, society and unique souls have separated us from the beasts and there is no going back

The future generations they say we are abandoning will revere our works with awestruck wonder

So-called habitat destruction is actually the flowering of the culture ordained by our one true god

God Almighty, Sure: He’ll Resurrect Ya’

god almighty, you just bet ya’

don’t need no holy scriptures or blessed servants, truth be told

god almighty, yes indeed

omniscient and omnipotent, mindless, and just plain stone cold

god almighty, don't you forget

no truths revealed or tithes required

god almighty, step right up

no heaven, hell or rebirth awaitin when you’re retired

god almighty, hallelujah

got no mind that could even test your faith

god almighty, listen to them preach

there’s nothing there upon which their story’s based

god almighty, keep the faith

for they ain't no jesus checkin’ up on your case

god almighty, give us strength

heart as warm and deep, as empty space

god almighty, by our devotion

both good and evil as fictional as eternal grace

god almighty, clap your hands

already enjoyed that afterlife, before you even began

god almighty, raise your voices

those religions just fog your vision

god almighty, brothers and sisters

prepare to find out that god aint on no mission

god almighty, hear our prayers

there’s no mind to process what it cannot sense

god almighty, stand behind us

only our imagination covers their false pretense

god almighty, be a witness

our faint prayers got no place to go

god almighty, let us testify

there is no judgment of the river flows

god almighty, deliver us please

peepin only to each other as darkness grows

god almighty, bless us, oh, our lord

just as deserving as your most black of crows

I’d Like To Lash Out Like Politicians Do

I get mad when they so soothingly coo to me that there’s really no need to get upset

I tense up when they calmly say that I should just try and learn to relax a little bit

I really need to shout when they have to ask me once again to please quiet down

I’d like to vent like a real angry Senator when they say there’s no reason to start swearing

I go off the deep end when they just set there all like smug, politically correct and shit

I’d love to smash their shiny faces when they order me to come to them first, next time

I know they mean I should just learn to shut up when they say I should be a good team player

And their call to think outside the box is just a desperate greedy plea to save their lame butts

I want to make them really sorry when they piously intone “I’m  sorry that you feel that way”

I get mad when they tell me to please let them finish - after they interrupted me one more time

I’d gladly lash those who took my savings and my job and got big bailouts and fat bonuses

I bristle when my tenured boss brusquely cuts me off to go soothe her whining kids, once again

I get depressed for days if “We” don’t win the big one on another wasted Sunday afternoon

I’d be happy to explode when I hear for the fifth time that my call is very important to them

I reach for my pills as some wacko piously tries to tell me again that I need to start recycling

I grow weak in body and spirit without the magic of real red meat 4 or 5 nights a week

I get pissed at all those failed socialist retreads, always scheming to cost us jobs and money

I want to bitch slap a couple junk scientists and whack a few fuzzy liberals upside the head

I get mad when they say gay marriage, abortion and creation science aren’t really important

I have to laugh when they preach that I should wedge my doublewide ass in some teeny electric car

I grow angry when my proud steel pickup steed is corralled up and hobbled behind a mini-van again

I’m sure I seem a bit testy as another foreign accent tells me that they don’t make the rules

I get antsy hearing them repeat that I simply need to be patient for a little while longer

It ticks me off that they dammit just dont get that we got enough coal for a whatever thousand years

I get mad at the soothing music and happy images of the defense and oil conglomerate marketeers

I want to take some revenge for my outsourcing, underwater house loan and ignorant children

I need to find blame for the stubborn ignorance behind all this obesity, diabetes and hypertension

It enrages me to see illegales taking jobs employers have made so bad I sure don’t even want them

I boil inside as we sacrifice it all for cheap oil and slave-made imported plastic consumerism

I caint take it when the kids are screamin and she’s naggin and I got another wicked hangover

It upsets me to see all the fast food wrappers and utensils we litter so quickly in our vapid wake

I want to hit back at the parasites who raise my card rate if I’m 1 day late on my minimum payment

I’d like to take them hostage when they ask me to either leave or they’ll have to call Security

I need to crush those who question our duty to the freedom loving peoples in the oil-rich lands

I could break their condescending paternalistic faces as they try to help me help myself, again

I get vengeful when unbelievers defame the one true god who blesses only this, our exceptionist land

Finally Beyond All These Prejudices

They finally got that knee jerk reaction towards blacks somewhat under conscious control

Not automatically hating real estate agents, politicians, lawyers or even bankers on sight

They gave up the ugly stereotypes of those pushing all their stuff around in dirty grocery carts

Probably every conservative doesn’t live solely on a spiritual diet of angry sound bites

The visible fact that they are extremely ugly may just no longer cost them every promotion

Never again will we be forced into war by the jealousy of our own, the one and only, true God

Don’t get nauseous now from men dressed only in spandex grape holders, kissing on parade floats

Stopped up that inner voice that always screamed FAT, FAT, FAT when talking to an obese person

Won’t tighten up in anger just hearing some foreign language speakers in our clean town park

Quelled the autonomous shut-down reaction they always had to wornout socialist planning ideas

Don’t unconsciously under-rate those pushy and loud-mouthed short people anymore

Quit labeling climate zealots as misguided zombies in a costly plot to end our sovereignty

Learned not to resent the tenured and incompetent, leaned-in Mommies now in charge

Aren’t quite as ready to bomb baby killers in their godless abortion clinics in Jesus’ name

Got around to thinking that likely all neegros aren’t inferior, addicted, whoring and lazy bastards

And blacks no longer view the flood of illegales as trying to steal their welfare birthrights

Feeling maybe the French couldn’t really be such clueless, yellow, old-European snobs

Not as callously dismissing Compassionate Conservatism by simply reviewing its historical results

Wont be teasing, taunting and beating the geeks and scientists quite as often as we used to

Maybe those battered old Hondas really don’t threaten our exceptionist 9 passenger SUV lifestyle

They can look right past that whatever race as easily as they can ignore some damn sheethead

Stopped seeing every bumbling project manager as but a whining, backbiting, ass-kissing loser

Even thinking how recycling, conservation and efficiency might not just be some wacko conspiracy

Feeling more and more like lobbyists may be there to simply try and help us all get along better

Don’t try to see just how close they can get their pickups to them candy-ass bicyclists anymore

Aren’t calling the Clean Coal people the very embodiment of all that is evil in the world right now

Stopped viewing illegal immigration as if it were some sort of vast, liberal-backed invasion

Losing the urge to punch out those heavyset, shorthaired, fatfaced butches with the cute girlfriends

Finally drinking the Self Responsibility Kool-Aid instead of playing that oh-so tattered race card

Not thinking pushy Jews control finance and Hollywood while pulling a holocaust on the Palestinians

Ended their bloody Jihads and now even tolerate other false and unworthy Islamic sects

Wont commit more Tibetan-style genocides by Han replacement and cultural extinction

Wont see voters as sheep to be bought with expensive, dumbed-down, homey sound bites

Trying to stop accounting for employees simply as costs to be slashed to earn even more fat bonuses

Promising to look the handicapped in the eyes but not remake the world in their crippled images

No longer view their elders as irrelevant, senile fools with a duty to just get out of the way and die

Walking Tall

Yes, I am anotha morbidly-obese, handicapped, gay, mixed-race, single mother - and project admin

I’m proud to stand up for my rights in this oppressively-racist, good old white boy network

My 55 year old great grandmother told me of the great struggles of her own unwed mother

This society failed them, me, and my children, leaving us unfit to assume our rightful places

But I got a government job now, good eyeglasses and seniority and I have earned my pride

Don’t have to listen when I got better things to do and baby, I do know the grievance process

They best show some respect and pay for my diabetes, hypertension and high cholesterol

My partner and I want a place at the table, in their parades, schoolbooks and on TV shows

My white-devil-bitch-f*kin soccer-mom boss is always correctin my gotdamm emails

But I’ll tell you what, ma speech is ma culta and you just caint rob me of that nomo

Still struggling against the Asians and the Indians abusing us right down in our own hood

Enslaving us to they dingy little liquor stores and stale, overpriced, high-calorie snack foods

The illegales are stealing our job opportunities and robbing us of our pride in honest work

And they’re all like right up in here, trying to cheat us out of our sacred welfare birthright

We demand equal protection from the drug dealers who infest our filthy housing projects

Bu-ut - How come so many of us are in the prisons of the Man for so much longer than you all?

Aint drinkin no SelfResponsibility KoolAid til we gets us the income and respect we deserves

Demanding reparations for all the unjust enslavement we have endured for many generations

Them Mcdonalds and shit fast food are fattening and enslaving us to they minimum wage

Better our own local lard-fried chicken and fish on white bread with lots of real mayonnaise

Aint nobody up in here helpin us to clean up this damn decaying mess filled with trash

They still holding us down after 300 years with them invisible, but unbreakable chains

Got no role models but Aunt Jemima and some shot-to-death woman-beatin, gangsta rappa

They don’t come down in here and listen to us, but they got to hear me out at my job

I earned my degree in Communications so don’t be tellin me I just need some educatin

I’m in a special program for the under-represented and they best keep waiving requirements

Waitin for some restitution from all them like inhuman injustices we done suffad

And you can take your genocidal TB drugs and birth control plots right on outta here

Walking tall and takin pride and makin sure thay don’t say Nigga - Even right after I do

We got entitlements still comin in and we’re countin on them affirmative actions yet to begin