Blindfolded Republican Social Optimization

Our sacred property rights guarantee we can bulldoze no-money-down land for short-term profits

Nobody would even dare raise the immoral question of taxing our sacred religious franchises

The government cannot alter our blessed constitutional rights by banning assault weapons

Earnings go to private enterprise and pointless cleanup is simply intrusive liberal over-regulation

Christ belongs within our government – But you best keep the damn government out of our business

Abortion is a mortal sin but our 4 in 10 fatherless children can be ignored as simply God’s Will

Federal agencies can freely invade any citizen’s privacy and, yes, they may do so in utmost secrecy

Habitat and species preservation are not the responsibility of either government or business

Even if it were not a junk science hoax, climate change is far too complex and expensive to address

We do not torture but know that advanced interrogation methods saved thousands of American lives

You must believe that our bailouts prevented the collapse of the world economy into depression

Spending more on our military than all other countries combined is unquestionably beyond discussion

It is my god-given constitutional right to use an idling 5 ton SUV as my own personal air-conditioner

Regulating and taxing marijuana would surely increase hard drug use and lead to further moral decay

Expenses of clean air and water are neither the concern of business nor the province of government

Fostering profit-motivated solutions will ensure the best healthcare for our poor, sick and elderly

Free market-based pursuit of individual and corporate happiness blindly optimizes our family lives

Voluntary industry guidelines are far more effective than any heavy-handed government regulation

Though evolution is an unproven theory, survival of the fittest does apply to our free enterprise

We may blithely discount the opinions and beliefs of foreigners from our god-granted higher ground

Inviting industry leaders to create government policy behind closed doors fosters democracy

Globalization is inevitable and leads almost altruistically to different lives for everyone

Clean coal is a viable and green, thrifty and quick solution to attain our energy independence

The economic benefits of tax breaks for the richest trickle down to lift the disadvantaged below

Look, the bible plainly states that marriage is a contract, valid only between a man and a woman

We are duty-bound to increase our population to counter the growth of our potential enemies

We are a nation of laws - Laws that we may footnote with signing statements and failure to fund

Outsourced workers must take Personal Responsibility for their own retirement and healthcare needs

Companies must shed their pension obligations to remain competitive in the global marketplace

We must pay closeted CEOs millions or we will lose their immeasurable but irreplaceable talent

We feel we are getting the same engineering expertise overseas at a mere fraction of the cost

Our nonrefundable bonuses based on short term stock price clearly enhance the future of society

Voluntary recycling is a merit badge decision which remains of dubious value to any free society

Real estate developers and their salesmen work conscientiously to better all of our futures

Entrepreneurs who hire illegales do not contribute to some non-violent takeover of our land

All of our exceptionist policies are based upon the reality of our status as god’s one chosen people

Maintaining Our Sacred Dumbocracy

Commend a contempt for any literacy

Cultivate their urge to violence

Enhance the foreign boogeymen

Promote the artificial spectacle

Distract with empty franchised sport

Bury cryptic legalese within fine print

Foster distrust of long-term planning

Dumb down their grades and tests

Play soothing background music

Show peaceful family pictures

Leave journalism to the advertisers

Stay focused on short-term costs

Control science thru political debate

Finance their spot in a fuzzy heaven

Concoct hot-button litmus tests

Pit your enemies against our families

Seed the media with paid spokesmen

Stick to short hyperbolized sound bites

Read canned speeches with great passion

Relentlessly remain on simple, concocted messages

Paint all the issues in black or white

Celebrate with colorful, noisy waste

Always portray them as His Chosen People

Pretend to own the higher moral ground

Belittle those who go in-depth

Substitute tweets for editorials

Forgo plot for special effects

Help them to be dependent on illegal labor

Reward them richly for gutting industr

Label air, water and soil as ignorable externalities

Equate blind greed with patriotism

Cite tradition but ignore real history

Anoint Social Darwinism as god’s will

Call bankers ourA Best and Brightest

Keep fast food and cold beer cheap

Promise them that their kids shall lead the world

It Ain’t My Libtard Place

How you choose to burn the fuel you’ve by God paid for ain’t no freekin concern of mine

It ain’t none of my business how much noise your gas-powered toys jam down everbody’s ears

I shouldn’t mention that your emissions foul the air for myself and all of our descendants

I just need to shut the fuck up about your so-called recreation destroying our precious national lands

It ain’t my place to say you don’t need a shoddy but retail-outlet-sized house for 4 people

Who am I to tell you to help curb overpopulation by limiting your precious children?

How dare I suggest our traditional values to be merely some recently ginned-up political advertising?

On which socialist authority do I demand that you lose a few pounds of your pseudo-muscular fat?

I shouldn’t say that we don’t have a god-given right to cheap goods made by asian slave labor

By whose socialist decree do I try and make you go out and do some boring and stupid exercise?

It takes me a lot of gall to say your kids should learn grammar and spelling before they start texting

How dare I put the ecosystems that support us all in front of your good jobs and family welfare?

It ain’t my business if you choose to use your idling truck for an overweight personal air-conditioner

By what right do I ask you to turn down the music after you paid to get into this here campground?

it takes me a lotta cowardly nerve to say that we need to drastically reduce military spending

It’s way elitist of me to contend that you’ll only ever fight global warming with your thermostats

It ain’t my place to criticize a bailout for your over-leveraged, underwater home loan

Who gave me the authority to demand that you drive some skinny vegan electric car?

Why should I think you should take interest in world events instead of watching NFL and NASCAR?

I got no right to make you give up double meat bacon cheeseburgers or yer 40 oz, Mountain Dew

It ain’t my business that you drive alone to the cube farm in an SUV built for 8 obese adults

How dare I to mutter yer one true god don’t bless America and we really ain’t his one chosen people?

It ain’t any of my concern that Ponzi finance traders make 19000 times more than average folks

Why should I actually care if the future is over-populated, strip-mined, poisoned and always at war?

It ain’t my job to preach that we used up the resources needed to pay the debts we leave behind

Who am I to judge our closeted corporate leaders who may well be full of eternal wisdom?

Why would I think farmers know better than bonus-driven BigAg execs about sustainable methods?

What gives me the right to reset economic priorities based on junk science and fuzzy math scams?

I can’t arrest you for dropping your food wrappers and smoky butts wherever you see fit

It ain’t up to me to get all in up in your face about your comically-wornout, fairytale religions

Nobody appointed me to tell you that you waste all our resources just wasting your precious time

How can I even dare to suggest that them krauts and frenchies might possibly even have a clue?

Who told me I could pester you with this socialist nonsense of climate change and mass extinctions?

It ain’t my place to bore you with trivial details when there’s something good on the big screen

What the hell was I thinking anyway, trying to tell you what’s right and wrong for you to eat?

No need to listen when I say either all of god’s life forms have a soul or none of us actually can

Their Phony Ecological Concern

So we buy a couple pockets of old-growth big tree forest and turn them into monuments

We’ll clean up one or two token rivers and plant a few fish and take many pictures

We can do a couple of clean coal projects and print a hopeful pamphlet on recycled paper

Maybe we could subsidize a model green suburb with garages back behind, in the alleys

A proof of concept community school or two should keep their expectations in check

We can publish voluntary standards on protecting croplands and leave agribusiness to self-regulation

We’ll study the decline and mutation of the frogs and make toothless scientific recommendations

Maybe publicize power plant mercury emissions so that industry voices a cleanup commitment

We’ll force cars to be 90% more clean and efficient, then put twice as many on the road

We’ll save threatened wonders by opening them to the miracle of corporate tourism

We’ll make cleaner snowmachines and ATVs and ask them to please stay on the trails

We’ll strive to recycle more paper to China to make our import packaging even cheaper

Some stamps with pictures of endangered songbirds will demonstrate our great concern

It’ll be far cheaper to say we are raising people’s awareness rather than taking any real action

We can pass more landmark legislation and then quietly fail to deliver on the funding, once again

We’ll slowly adapt our children to dirty water, fouled air and a squalid, littered over-population

We’ll call for comprehensive reform, created by lobbyists, and then poison it with unrelated pork

We’ll un-muzzle our scientists but let our corpro-media out them as wackos with clever soundbites

We can shout above the noise pollution that it is not an issue even worthy of any discussion

A greenish packaging change and an All-Natural slogan ought to keep our numbers up

Concoct phony market-based solutions to problems no free economy was ever meant to solve

Label it expensive and intrusive gov’t regulation and play it off against families, jobs and money

Showcase opportunities for a few starving children but don’t ever even mention slashing population

Talk of reducing emissions to 1990s levels like that would restore some kind of half-assed equilibrium

Promote a couple show species to star status even as our global mass extinction gathers speed

Propose a bulky, readily-subverted cap and trade scam instead of a simple carbon tax

Institutionalize calls for further study as a means for simply continuing on with business as usual

Contract out pre-determined research results and trumpet it loudly towards our own sales ends

Advertising our warm commitment to future, family and environment should gin up wide good will

We’ll trumpet a little renewable energy research while permitting more new coal-fired plants

We’ll say we’re good stewards but depend on higher property and sales taxes for our existence

Just ignore military recommendations and keep the bloated cash cow bases in our own states open

We’ll pay off liberatarian ranchers if a wolf takes a cow grazing for next to nothing on federal lands

Sportsmen will soon adjust to expensive, trucked-in, hatchery trout in dirty, drying reservoirs

We might restructure capitalism to factor in phony environmental costs to avoid socialist regulation

The MulltiNats will cure societal inequity by simply reducing all workers to a bare subsistence level

Certainly Mankind Is No Cancer

And there is a market-based solution for every ill…

Filthy, unplanned, sprawling slums girdling the worlds cities surely pose no global threat

This purported mass extinction does not implicate humanity in a bogus global holocaust

Those who view man as a plague upon their neutered New Age paradise deserve our scorn

Our growing population certainly does not threaten some storybook eco-loco balance

Aliens would not view the flowering of humanity as a swarming of maggots upon the earth

Our rightful ascendancy is wrongly seen by the green zombies as destructive and temporary

We are properly concerned first and primarily with the economies which feed our good families

War is not some outdated, insane societal flaw but an ethical, moral and genetic imperative

Man is no cancer spreading to threaten fairytale, otherwise healthy and stable ecosystems

Our progress is not intimately bound to the degradation of air, water, soil and biodiversity

Look, capitalism simply mirrors nature’s unassailable law of survival of the fittest

Socialist planning is not the answer to the overblown problems invented by the squishes

Our corporate fishing fleets certainly do not constitute some vast strip-mining of the seas

Worldwide rain forest timber harvests simply are not as destructive as a vocal minority claims

Spreading deserts and melting ice are natural phenomena to which we can adapt, if necessaery

Adding artificial taxes on emissions quickly taints the purity of the sublime free market system

Damming and channelizing rivers for water, flood control and power are not at all acts of evil

Blowing soil erosion along with heavy doses of fertilizers, pesticides and fossil water is not sinful

Our triumphantly-righteous spread is falsely viewed by whimpering vegans as totally unsustainable

Their twisted world view labels nearly all of our progress as some kind of malignant metastization

They would have our families crouch in cold darkness chewing on rotten organic vegetables

Our economic growth cannot reasonably be described as a blind and greedy self-destruction

Unlike microbes on Agar plates, human numbers are not governed by kings or natural resources

Their Chicken Little fables of earthly collapse are tactics to stifle our sincere efforts at progress

Providing honest clean coal energy at low prices to consumers is no crime against humanity

Eco scare tactics are mostly used to preserve their elite viewsheds and keep out the working class

Our civilization is certainly no scabby pox upon some illusory pristine and perfect earth

For the love of god, we must actually quicken development to feed our growing numbers

Human society is not some temporary destructive aberration which must soon disappear

Our survival is not intimately linked to that of the lower microbes, plants or even animals

We most certainly are not selfishly dumping problems beyond our abilities upon future generations

It is immoral to label the, likely only temporary, side effects of our progress as wanton devastation

Hey, we could all still be hunter-gatherers shivering in caves with barely fire and dogs on our sides

Our tools, society and unique souls have separated us from the beasts and there is no going back

The future generations they say we are abandoning will revere our works with awestruck wonder

So-called habitat destruction is actually the flowering of the culture ordained by our one true god

The Immorality of Abusing Technicalities

Trump to Clinton on not paying taxes: “That makes me smart.” Afterwards on CNN: “No, I didn’t say that at all” – snopes.com

Deskbound health adjusters on commission denying lifesaving claims on pure technicalities

Tax lawyers growing rich and respected for purposely circumventing legislative intent

Pocketing fat fees and great honor finding loopholes to exploit with impunity and pride

Managers feeling quite upstanding doing anything counsel says that they can currently get away with

Introducing any new product chemical without testing, if it is simply not yet expressly forbidden

Approving uninspected imported food ingredients for fat bonuses without moral or legal responsibility

Cannily offshoring production simply to evade costly and intrusive environmental restrictions

Control freaks deliberately maintaining an insistence on ignorance to avoid charges of actually lying

Buying canned research studies published only if the results can be shown as favorable to our drugs

Earning huge salaries shystering complexities to cunningly subvert the spirit of the law

Righteously claiming ethical high ground with schemes morally equivalent to the absolutely outlawed

Minimally compliant with current regulations although knowing they are outdated and insufficient

Waltzing off to a secure bankruptcy from their superfund sites now surrounded by cancer hotspots

Sleeping well at night as your outsourcers work peasants 14 hrs a day with 20 to a bedroom

Lawyering by amoral procedural technicality, having nothing to do with charges, evidence or guilt

Paying whorish lobbyists obscene amounts to pervert the democratic process to greedy ends

Burying unrelated pork and hiding far-reaching provisions in all or nothing 10000 page legislation

Defensively bristling ‘We meet all government requirements’ after buying off any new regulation

Not counting the given up, underemployed or forced to part-time among the normal Unemployed

Replacing Tax and Spend with Borrow and Spend while calling for citizen Personal Responsibility

Confining mandated warnings to large words in small print, knowing they have no real effect

Paying them handsomely for stalling regulation by calling research into question via soundbites

Reducing requirements and inflating grades so that no child knows where they are left

Charging usurious interest and fees to credit card users as well as 3% to all the merchants

Reporting artificial News that attracts a target audience that satisfies big money advertisers

Convolutedly redrawing voting districts along party lines only to ensure future election results

Guaranteeing insider legislative influence simply by donating heavily to candidates of both sides

Maintaining a cozy political duopoly by jointly co-opting all 3^rd party movements into wackos

Gaining yearend bonuses by artificially boosting profits by merely postponing expense recognition

Lavishly rewarding conniving legal parasites who enable you to successfully evade taxes

Profitably re-imaging foolish consumer overspending into equity-financed negative savings rates

Swaddling arms marketing in gentle music and pleasant images of children and puppies

Being subsidized for defaulting on debts and benefits in the holy ruse of competitiveness

Glowingly praising the Human Resource while striving to cut labor costs in any way possible

Proudly rebranding corporate evasion, circumvention, subversion and delay as Doing the Right Thing

Totally comfortable mouthing Perfectly Legal to get richer via rule twisting and regulator buying

Building Merica’s Thousand Year Reich

And thusly, would it remain forever, Morning In Merica

Believed that “change is the way of all things” is a justification for endless greedy takings

Demeaned science as fuzzy yet maintained a crystal clear vision of His paradise, awaiting us

Never took the time to make sense of things yet still wondered why the old were all so confused

Preached that market competition would efficiently & automatically solve any and all social ills

Spoke of our values and traditions as we tossed aside more valuable recyclables each and every day

Went forth multiplying blindly, blissfully righteous, given the blessings of our very own one true god

Wisely kept government out of the so-called business of habitat and species preservation

Built strong children in front of TV on factory white bread and cheap, tortured byproduct burgers

Quietly nurtured a proud illiteracy to enable our puppet leaders to simplify choices and explanations

Sold defense, banking, insurance, oil, agriculture and healthcare oligopolies our unhindered access

Made damn sure our progress wasn’t stalled by wastefully expensive environmental non-issues

Looked forward to a 1000 Year Reich powered only by ever-increasing consumer credit spending

Erected Import temple malls using illegales working with the cheapest materials available

Spent more per year than all other countries combined on defense to hold off their bogeymen

Doggedly recognized the evils of that tired socialism as it continually raised its ugly, wornout head

Mouthed ‘You can’t stop progress’ as the ultimate rationale for all our smash and grab profit

Impersonally advanced society via outsourcing engineering, production and support overseas

Gifted our sage leaders huge non-refundable bonuses based on the quarterly stock numbers

Institutionalized calls for more study as a method for defeating all forms of junk regulatory proposals

Ended each and every speech with the unashamed exceptionist demand that God Bless America

Used ‘too costly in jobs and money’ as a durable defense against any and all intrusive regulation

Entrusted our future to greed-blinded, furtive corporate leaders and their camera-hungry politicians

Called for Personal Responsibility while callously shedding pensions, debts and workers

Subsidized an unarmed takeover by illegal Hispanics as we fought a faraway war on terror

Replaced long-term planning with stall tactics until issues could be deemed too expensive to address

Hallucinated a healthy long-term economy powered only by financial services and retail sales

Denied our total reliance upon a healthy environment using the phony shibboleth of jobs and families

Piled debts upon the future even as we furiously wasted the resources they would need to pay them

Named as our Best and Brightest the vain who created quasi-mathematical financial Ponzi schemes

Ruled that externalities like water and air were not problems for either business or government

Left our soils, crops and animals to the ever monthly cost and stock price watchful evil eye of BigAg

Declared that the future would take care of itself if only left free of burdensome gov’t regulations

Divorced ourselves from natural cycles in favor of mass immersion in co-opted, vapid media trends

Infused our loud and willful ignorance with self-granted righteousness and unwarranted macho pride

Increasingly relied on overseas sources for vitals such as technology, food, drugs and consumer goods

Sarcastically belittled the stupid freaking foreigners from our exalted position as Gods chosen people

Disentangling Our White Noise

A constant background noise; especially: One that drowns out other sounds

The void left by the forgotten songbirds is seamlessly filled by smarmy advertising messages

The roaring diesel fumes wafting softly into her crib do not stir this safely sleeping urban infant

News reports of inept, corrupt and wasteful governance no longer provoke any real response

Endless sad studies are smothered behind the deafening background noise we continuously create

Wild fish are not startled by gently falling acid rain from distant hissing coal stacks

The awkward silence of a clear-cut is unnoticeable atop growling wreckreational vehicles

Nobody leaps to the rescue of croaking frogs replaced by giant, rumbling bulldozers, once again

Dirty waters and climate change now lie safely outside our self-circumscribed hearing range

Screams from the refugee camps are muffled by our shopping, work and entertainment activities

Constant identical reports of even more extinctions aren’t going to motivate anyone again

The ever-dirtier business of politics no longer galvanizes the jaded multitude even a bit

People docilely accept that in good times or bad, the rich will profiteer at their expense

Blathering leaders are not expected to solve real problems correctly, cheaply or on time

Our loud and illiterate offspring are simply part of a vast and privatizing, comforting white noise

The unfortunate are blown off behind our sunglasses, earbuds and cynically-texting smirks

Even Scot-free bailouts of unregulated legal swindlers who are ruining our lives doesn’t move us

Ever more wasteful borrow-and-spend programs cannot provoke some mighty voter wrath

Continuous broadcast of morally repugnant crimes have worn out our emotional responses

Distress cries that might otherwise slow our progress are safely obscured by a soothing traffic roar

The wise voices of our ancestors have been attenuated into the meaningless background noise

That invisible, anonymous CEOs are naturally worth their guaranteed millions is taken at face value

It is accepted that gutting our futures thru offshoring should earn them more whopping bonuses

That they merged and downsized us forever for quick profits will not set us upon them

We tacitly accept the morality of efforts to evade the spirit of our laws via compulsive loopholeing

Un-inspected, adulterated foreign food ingredients will not rouse us up off our beloved couches

Omnipresent evidence of over-population is obscured by the simple crush of so many bodies

The voice of reason is smothered by our hoarse attempt to curse over their many tangled jingles

That our own thoughts must now be produced as shouts is not perceptible to us within the din

There’s really nothing between the inaudible lines blurring advertising, news and entertainment

Our crumbling infrastructure does not decay nearly loudly enough to claim even a little attention

Endless strident sound bite repetition completely deadens the occasional quiet and reasoned debate

The deafening sound of devastating warfare drowns out those faint, weak-kneed cries for peace

Relentless repetition of myriad, simple but cleverly-coded messages digitally layers our angry brains

A world of screams and shouts and tears are melded into a featureless but high-decibel abstraction

Ungodly special effects are launched which cannot gain attention for more than a few seconds

Loud, un-syncopated random outbursts occur so fast as to blend into a surrounding roar

This deafening white noise creates our privacy and thereby we think, preserves our sanity

But the vast silence of the void that surrounds us still terrifies as it makes its now rare appearance

I’d Like To Lash Out Like Politicians Do

I get mad when they so soothingly coo to me that there’s really no need to get upset

I tense up when they calmly say that I should just try and learn to relax a little bit

I really need to shout when they have to ask me once again to please quiet down

I’d like to vent like a real angry Senator when they say there’s no reason to start swearing

I go off the deep end when they just set there all like smug, politically correct and shit

I’d love to smash their shiny faces when they order me to come to them first, next time

I know they mean I should just learn to shut up when they say I should be a good team player

And their call to think outside the box is just a desperate greedy plea to save their lame butts

I want to make them really sorry when they piously intone “I’m  sorry that you feel that way”

I get mad when they tell me to please let them finish - after they interrupted me one more time

I’d gladly lash those who took my savings and my job and got big bailouts and fat bonuses

I bristle when my tenured boss brusquely cuts me off to go soothe her whining kids, once again

I get depressed for days if “We” don’t win the big one on another wasted Sunday afternoon

I’d be happy to explode when I hear for the fifth time that my call is very important to them

I reach for my pills as some wacko piously tries to tell me again that I need to start recycling

I grow weak in body and spirit without the magic of real red meat 4 or 5 nights a week

I get pissed at all those failed socialist retreads, always scheming to cost us jobs and money

I want to bitch slap a couple junk scientists and whack a few fuzzy liberals upside the head

I get mad when they say gay marriage, abortion and creation science aren’t really important

I have to laugh when they preach that I should wedge my doublewide ass in some teeny electric car

I grow angry when my proud steel pickup steed is corralled up and hobbled behind a mini-van again

I’m sure I seem a bit testy as another foreign accent tells me that they don’t make the rules

I get antsy hearing them repeat that I simply need to be patient for a little while longer

It ticks me off that they dammit just dont get that we got enough coal for a whatever thousand years

I get mad at the soothing music and happy images of the defense and oil conglomerate marketeers

I want to take some revenge for my outsourcing, underwater house loan and ignorant children

I need to find blame for the stubborn ignorance behind all this obesity, diabetes and hypertension

It enrages me to see illegales taking jobs employers have made so bad I sure don’t even want them

I boil inside as we sacrifice it all for cheap oil and slave-made imported plastic consumerism

I caint take it when the kids are screamin and she’s naggin and I got another wicked hangover

It upsets me to see all the fast food wrappers and utensils we litter so quickly in our vapid wake

I want to hit back at the parasites who raise my card rate if I’m 1 day late on my minimum payment

I’d like to take them hostage when they ask me to either leave or they’ll have to call Security

I need to crush those who question our duty to the freedom loving peoples in the oil-rich lands

I could break their condescending paternalistic faces as they try to help me help myself, again

I get vengeful when unbelievers defame the one true god who blesses only this, our exceptionist land

It’s Technical-You Pay

The service contract said that we had to pay again even though they made it worse trying to fix it

No, your contract is subject to a binding arbitration with a judge whom we alone get to choose

Technically, we owe you nothing but we have decided to cut your charges by 20%, for one month

Why, we never dreamed our house payment could triple just one year into our new ARM mortgage

Our investment instruments are so complicated that only a no-strings bailout can save your world

Experts blame a computer error for today’s lengthy and widespread technical problems

We can get you a new phone overnite but you must pay for the old one for another month as well

Regrettably, our computerized credit model has determined that we cannot modify your bad loan

All these other power adapters are incompatible but we can offer you this whole new unit, at retail

Per contract, we are not responsible for our technical difficulties resulting in your service outages

I did not understand our trading instruments so I OK’d them based solely on their profit potential

You won’t actually know the exact charge until you get your first bill, Oh, and it will vary monthly

Sir, the bottom line is that you must re-install everything and all your work and settings are lost

This hot new gizmo is perfect except for this one little piece that breaks every time on all of them

They said that it all looks fine from their end so you really shouldn't be seeing a problem on your side

It's not supposed to do that unless you change something else but nobody ever touched a thing here

His said he was Bill but I couldn’t understand him so he put me on hold and hung up after 15 minutes

Their agreement says they are not responsible if it doesn’t work or if anything else bad happens

No, I didn’t read that 12 pages of 4 point font fine print legalese, I only listened to the nice salesman

Come to find out, that expensive warranty doesn’t cover anything that ever could actually break

Never understood why the media ran exposés on the same scams that they sold commercials for

His worth to the firm was incalculable so they guaranteed him millions - even if he failed or was fired

His lawyer said he relished a chance to clear his name but yet he would make no public statements

Their peasant’s 14 hour slave wage days making things they couldn’t afford was hailed as progress

Though their HQ was in Bermuda and their factories in china, their ads were all so very American

Their stock price rose upon the announcement of further cost-cutting led by even more layoffs

He said that their unintelligible legalese was not their scam but was required by the government

It seems the recyclers are losing money since it still costs too much to reuse their free raw materials

She never considered what happened when she flipped a switch so it really was no miracle to her

Though we won’t go into the details here, if you run the numbers you can quite easily see…

This agreement states you must train your offshore replacement to qualify for any severance at all

Even if our own experts disagree on what the tax code actually states, we can fine you in any case

This undiagnosed pre-existing condition disqualifies your claim and also, we are canceling your policy

Initialing here means we cannot be held liable for any risks we downplay, ignore or don’t understand

This says you cannot sue us but it’s really just so you might not even try if something bad happens

It actually states that we can cancel your contract anytime but you have no way to ever get out of it

We Rocked The World

We really dried them ugly toads right out and ran over the slow snakes and dull turtles

We bulldozed the non-producing meadows with their hapless bugs and useless flowers

We got baby bunnies on the run and the little fawns shake in fear from our tractors

Our monster dams create great lakes for roaring by drunkenly in our oversized speedboats

We rocked that ominous silence with the empty braying of our powerful machinery

By god, our chainsaws showed all of those old growth big trees just how tough we really are

Replied quickly, ‘who gives a fuck?!’ when they heard that butterflies was disappearing

Casually blew away the precious topsoil thousands of times faster than it had ever been created

Asked just what the heck was it that any freaking polar bear had ever done for us, anyhew

Always pushed extra diesel smoke through our loud mufflers at them squishy vegan cyclists

Exploited the seas with the same brutal efficiency we had trained upon our cows and pigs

Pushed aside the microscopic ocean life forms with a rain of toxic plastic particulates

Realized that ending that liberal global warming scam would pretty much save the earth

Knocked out them lakes and forests with the acid rain from our mighty coal generators

Wiped out worthless desert fish, tiny mice and silly owls that nobody actually cared about

Combined our noisy and drunken recreation with energy-guzzling environmental destruction

Showed our superiority by increasing our population even as we mass-extinguished other species

Fought against climate change by adjusting our thermostats to suit our imported gym shorts

Disdainfully threw out valuable recyclables in brave, libertarian defense of our personal freedom

Said our god granted only us eternal souls, dominion over the earth and a duty to be fruitful

Viewed greedy, unsustainable, eco-devastating development as patriotic economic progress

Went beyond earthly destruction to the massive murder of warfare at every single opportunity

Laughed cynically about their bleeding heart concern over a few miserable little songbirds

Smashed the ancient mountain tops down into their valleys, gouged out the coal and then left

Harshly mocked their profitless recycling, raw veggie diets and misguided environmentalism

Slaughtered the albatross and dolphin as blind collateral damage in our ocean wide strip-mining

Manufactured our food with all of the care the asians used in mass producing plastic imports

Deftly fragmented habitat and cut off migration routes without so much as even trying…or noticing

Adopted as beloved corpro-sports symbols the revered creatures we had exterminated centuries ago

Did not notice the bees disappearance before we had even learned of their importance

Replied disinterestedly: ‘Huh’ when told that millions of trees were dying all across the West

Asked what was wrong with these people who were all so worked up about them stupid frogs and shit

So what if we filled some stupid seals milk with PCBs and messed up a few lame fish with hormones?

Remained blissfully unaware as invasive plant species spread and wrecked entire ecosystems

Made damn sure our priorities were the family, our economy and a strong national defense

Slept securely, having bargained our fictional souls for the imaginary heaven of our own one true god

Traditional Family Values, Copyright© USA

The right to morbid obesity is one thing I know we fought for way back during the Big One

Our forefathers most certainly would stretch their unemployment checks farther, down to Wal*Mart

We’ve sent our pre-diabetic and amoral children to simply be warehoused at schools for generations

The holy bible has always fostered a willful ignorance resulting in our ongoing righteous intolerance

Guzzling cheap beer from automated factories is a time-honored tradition we intend to honor forever

The founding fathers too, waltzed away from pointless credit card, ARM and HELOC debts

American families have been perpetually alert against big government healthcare takeovers

We’ve always relied on cheap imports built by slaves to artificially raise our offshored living standard

It is a time-honored tradition to graze on sugar, salt and fat before littering its plastic packaging

And daddy still brings home the ritual Double-meat-bacon-cheeseburgers for his nuclear family

Really, we’ve always only wanted giant, inefficient, over-priced road hogs, built to wear out quickly

Physical inactivity is another one of freedom’s rewards we all enjoy, but too often take for granted

The right to randomly produce loud noise during witless wreckreation shall not be taken from us

Like those who came before us, we can carry concealed weapons to church for self-protection

Good families have passed down obesity, heart disease and high blood pressure thru the ages

Our traditional family values truly are not some new ad campaign spouted by rightwing media heroes

A scornful pride in their illiteracy runs deep among those who have always answered freedom’s call

Yankee ingenuity lives on in our innovative outsourcing of design, production and support

Laying stuporous for hours, bathed in vapid electronic images, is a time-honored practice

Abusing successive waves of immigrants goes all the way back to our revered colonial times

Twisting literal scripture has encased us in a thought-relieving faith since time immemorial

Our native practicality and common sense have always protected us against that junk science

Pointless Spartan thrift was replaced by go-go, negative savings rate consumerism centuries ago

Unregulated, leveraged development progress shows the vitality of our hallowed personal freedoms

Factory institutionalization of their parents has long been a rite of passage for those of middle age

We have forever parroted as revealed truth the soundbites of smarmy, overpaid talking heads

Consumer spending and financial services have always been the true engines of our great economy

Long have we ignored the source of the food we graze upon and the energy we thoughtlessly waste

We hold as self-evident that every child should get shiny medals and not be left behind

The longstanding right to finance electronic gizzies shall not be abridged by socialist thrifties

Self-responsibility has ever been required when cast aside at 50 by the faceless multinationals

Preemptively-defensive wars of liberation have been our hallowed right, throughout our history

We’ve always had to decipher deliberately smallprint legalese to wager upon our retirements

We, too, are prepared to tithe 40% of all of our life savings to healthcare during our last year

A/C, heat, light, media, malls, cars and phones remain, as ever, part of our enduring heritage

Mindlessly chanting flavored slogans shall forever remain the way we cope with unnerving complexity

The Promised Good New Jobs Of Tomorrow Are Here!

Outsourcing clears the way for our workers to enjoy the better jobs of tomorrow

Smile behind the register, Put on this checkered shirt, ID on all tobacco and beer sales

Put some more gas in the mower, Scrape the paint off that window frame, Break is over

Shovel that gravel over here, Get off your ass, Put out that cigarette, Go stand over there

Vacuum that hall, Pile up them bean cans, Roll that patient over, Clean out these bedpans

Carry that ladder over there, Empty all them trash cans, Bring the rest of those plates in

Mop the floor when nobody’s here, Re-stock the candy bars, Check on the Mountain Dew

Don’t gossip with the delivery men, Don’t insult the drunks, We don’t give vacations

Go sweep up those potato chips, Pick up all them cigarette butts, Put back these tampons

Sort out the rotten vegetables, Get rid of that spoiled chicken, Clean out those cages

Now bring in the sleeper couch, Put that chest over there, Go and wash out the dumpster

Say Hello to all the customers, Count out what they give and their change, Always say Thank You

Unroll that sod over there, Shovel that sidewalk, That sink is not clean, Fumigate the hall

Tear out this old carpet, Don’t waste any paint, Pick up all those branches, No sunglasses

Don’t waste those rags, Clean that 3^rd story window, Get the snow off that overhang

Pick up the trash on the gas island, Put more hot dogs in the roaster, Don’t be so loud

Bundle up this cardboard, Get off your cell, You pay for them tools, First buy a uniform

Keep the coffee pot half full, Clean the bathroom every 2 hours, Don’t let them kids steal

Act like you’re busy, Don’t be late again, There’s no work today, Wait and wash up later

Don’t waste paper towels, Trim that bush over there, You keep off their carpet,

Park down the street, Take down your pictures, No  personal calls, Your wife isn’t covered

No internet access, Say your boss isn’t available, Just tell them you don’t make the rules

It’s company policy, Jokes are for your own time, Show Gupta here how to do your job

There’s no benefits for you contractors, Your future isn’t my problem, Grind off this rust

Stop looking bored, Take out those earbuds, Keep filling their water glasses, Be quiet now

Crawl down there and clean it out, Climb up there and get that branch, You missed a spot

Go caulk that window, Sand this some more, Take off your hat, Lose the gum

Spread this glue in the closet, scrape off this old floor, Shut up or you’re fired right now

Clean up the spill on 7, This food ain’t for you, Put on your name tag, Hide that tattoo

Don’t slap the gropers, Get your kid out of here, Go fix your hair, You need this job?

Clean them with this solvent, Break down them cartons, Brush out the pool

No radios here, Go outside to eat, Unclog that urinal, You wanna get deported?

Cut those chickens faster, Wade out and get that, Pick up the scraps, Seal this tile

Scrub under the fryer mat, Do them pots again, Go move your car, Clean these brushes

Reach down in there, Hold this for me, Get me the new one, Keep that light still

Don’t get surly with me, Spray this stuff on the weeds, Stay outside, Bring in my tools

Gonna have to let you go, Don’t come back tomorrow, Call me in a week or so

Both Sides Just Say NO!

        “If he (Obama) was for it, we had to be against it” – Ohio senator George Voinovich
Digging in their heels on another issue to break the arch political enemy, once and for all

Pushing back so hard there’s no time to come up with any real initiatives of their own

Keeping heads down and eyes closed the whole time they’re shaking them and repeating NO!

Winning great victories that result only in the continuation of a bitter partisan stalemate

Stalling for more study using highly-charged, pseudo-scientific, marketing catchphrases

Trotting out the trusted homily of ‘too expensive in jobs and money’ at every opportunity

Keeping every party member voting NO! as a block is their noble plan to save this great land

They educate the electorate with corporate donors, costly lobbyists and slick media heads

Stirring a few outright lies into cleverly mixed sound bites keeps our patriotic fervor fresh

Getting sloganeers to galvanize the lower class again, to reclaim their privileged advantage

Leveraging the common ignorance, greed and sloth to regain power via faux-folksy pandering

Encouraging polarization to help ensure the ongoing paralysis that fosters our undevelopment

Actively promoting inaction by embedding poison pills in all new legislation from the other side

Saving the people time and again by acting out like some constipating intestinal blockage

Encouraging that noisy hatred and distrust instead of quietly-reasoned debate and compromise

Disguising their donor’s agenda with simple, slick, loudly-repeated and expensive propaganda

Hailing the mere blocking of legislation as a triumph of democracy for Traditional Family Values©

Relying on tired parliamentary maneuvers to slow, stall and then kill any and all real action

Nurturing divisive partisan political paralysis in a suicidal scorched earth campaign

Stoutly refusing to raise taxes while bravely halting any attempts to cut costs or benefits

Merely impeding the opposition, we advertise having done our noble duty quite well

Gleefully declaring yet another initiative dead, we add to the list of our accomplishments

We smirk and pose like great white hunters standing atop yet another legislative corpse

Demanding action and shouting out blame even while stubbornly refusing to help craft solutions

Partnering with clever pundits paid for by our corporate sponsors to glorify our stagnation

Making just saying NO! look like we took some real action, as if with torches and pitchforks

Demonizing the opposition to such a degree that any co-operation would be deemed traitorous

Blindly banding together to stall for victory via the patriotic act of yet another filibuster

Determined that all hopey-changey-squishy fairytales shall be crushed beneath our dragging feet

Blocking each initiative and then trumpeting that the opposition has done nothing at all

After digging in our heels and stalling for time, we shall then demand further research

With paid media and corporate support, we inflame the belligerent and ignorant masses

Declaring our righteous anger we whip up a warlike frenzy to ensure that nothing happens

We sync with donors to deface, demean and delay and trumpet the enemy’s ineffectiveness

We’ll rant of awful problems but stifle any action and then sorely bemoan our nation’s situation

We’ll just say NO! in a chorus and then shout out that the people demand a change

Our Outdated Fantasy Of Always More And Ever Bigger

no forest must expand every year to be considered a success

yet, if a company is not growing it is, by definition, going out of business

the seas need not strive to merge to achieve some so-called economies of scale

but we believe formulaic merge and slash somehow creates economic growth

the sunrise faces no pressure to either last longer or to perish

however, free economies must at least increase on average by 3% year after year, forever

sunsets cannot grow more and more beautiful each and every day

nonetheless, for safe long-term growth you can bet all your retirement money on the stock market

each generation is not handsomer, taller and more intelligent than the last

but the military can indefinitely continue its non-discretionary annual budget increases

no species numbers can exceed its environmental carrying capacities over time

but, extinction does not apply to man, created in god’s image, given dominion and a soul

when populations grow too large, biology teaches that they abruptly crash

the infallible and blind marketplace can sustain eternal compound growth

the catch of fish per year did not increase forever despite market demand

yet we can act like non-renewables can always be consumed at faster rates

even fast-food-fattened americans cannot perpetually grow more and more obese

faux luxury and inefficient noisy power can be combined with fuel economy and clean air

family income will not grow larger each and every quarter

yet consumer spending is the driving force behind our wondrously-booming economy

our student’s reading scores must eventually find some pathetic minimum

however, we will always put our people first, even as we continue offshoring efforts

it will not always be cheaper to destroy open land than to bulldoze shoddy junk

our faith in god will see us through the manifest development of our entire great land

evolution does not constantly produce an increasing number of new species

hurry, the biggest sales event ever is going on right now but ends tomorrow

ever larger conglomerates will not finally congeal to form a single global entity

nevertheless, let’s merge and cut staff by 20%, get our bonuses then retire, guilt-free

the future must hold less prosperity for each of us given our increasing numbers

but I’ve almost got enough held back to sign up for another new big-screen TV

plague deaths will grow in total but not as a percentage of population

population planning is a genocidal contradiction to the laws of god and the liberty of man

guess what, our children will not always have a brighter future than their parents

anyway, high-tech innovation and our military will always be there to see us through

unconstrained oil consumption will grow steadily and then must fall off quite sharply

this is no mass extinction and climate change is just as wack as any New Age nonsense

garbage per person will actually decrease with our increasing numbers

capitalism lets the entire world get rich and consume blindly like good Westerners

government cannot plan on permanent growth to hide ever higher outlays

still, now that I’m 55, I think I’ll start putting aside a bit for retirement

listen, in point of fact, the heat and drought will not last forever

our sales look good, possibly even beyond the end of the next quarterly reporting period

even our people can only swallow so many stupid lies and foolish fantasies

this new nighttime fat-burning pill really makes me feel like a million bucks

all our complex, unplanned actions yield unexpected emergent side effects

but you really cannot worry much about the future since it is beyond your control

every mass excess leads to some tipping point of no return

home mortgage funds are an obvious and absolutely safe, high-yield investment

air and water pollution will decrease at some point, in step with our decline

we will keep on praying just like we drink our beer, in both good times and bad

someday there will be no earthbound human souls striving to earn their way to heaven

my personal savior and I discuss matters of great concern to me each and every day

greenhouse gases will subside quite shortly in geologic time

efficiency and recycling are small, personal virtues of dubious social value

our ongoing progress cannot ever approach the destruction of all life on earth

combining topheavy, uncooperative bureaus into super agencies will solve many problems

the human stain will begin to fade even before its spread has ended

we envision better days stretching on forever into the happily-ever-after

we can continue piling all kinds of obvious as well as hidden public debt on the future -

though we continue to destroy their ability to pay through our thoughtless daily consumption

systems requiring compound growth are simply Ponzi perpetual motion machines

let it be known that it shall remain, fellow citizens, as always, Morning In America!

Industry Self-Regulation Not Gov’t Intrusion

Surely logging interests wouldn’t clearcut so far as to silt up the streams and ruin riparian habitat

Hog farmers will responsibly provide us with affordable chops without just dumping all the manure

Altruistic corporate leaders won’t boost profits with cheaper, un-inspected, foreign food ingredients

Surely it can’t cost us a hundred times what it costs Africans for the privilege of having a cell phone

Oil producers will surely have proven tested contingency plans and practiced emergency procedures

Factories won’t simply dump untested new chemicals just because there’s not yet a law against them

Surely banks would not bet against funds they built to fail yet still push them to good customers

Secret internal monitoring will probably prevent rogue perverted clergy from molesting our children

Insurers would never pay commissions for twisting arcane technicalities to deny costly procedures

We also don’t need government death panels making treatment decisions for good family doctors

Unregulated mountain top removal will yield us a safe and cheap, coal-based energy independence

You really can count on wise global oligarchs, meeting in secret, to craft a better world for us all

Trust selfless defense contractors to patriotically hold down costs and not invent bogeymen

Unconstrained, agribusiness will conserve water, provide safe foods and sustain our soils forever

Industries will self-regulate to reduce CO2 emissions even though it may even reduce their profits

Setting the amount of salt, calories and fats in our food is best left to corporate marketers

The Best and Brightest over there on Wall Street must be permitted unfettered financial innovation

Supply and demand will prevent invisible multinationals from strip-mining the open seas of all life

Heavy-handed rules and regulation can only cost hard-working families excessive jobs and money

Industry councils will devise voluntary guidelines to properly address virtually any issue

BigPharma wont push phony lifestyle drugs, ignore 3^rd world suffering and jack up generic prices

The informed consumer will wisely avert epidemics of obesity, diabetes and coronary disease

Lifetime judges would never actively misinterpret the constitution to misconstrue the people’s will

Monopolies, tariffs and subsidies without oversight or taxes are not the only corporate lobbying goals

Investment banks do not use their unregulated financial creativity to blackmail world markets

Lawyers would never let their ads degenerate into despicably misleading sales pitches to sufferers

Real estate professionals nobly self-monitor conflicts of interest, omissions and deceptions

Gamblers, smokers and drinkers can retain control of their lives thru Personal Responsibility

Carmakers would’ve tackled safety, economy and emissions themselves without intrusive mandates

Food conglomerates don’t need oversight for targeting kids with addiction to caffeine, sugar and fat

Merging cable providers actually does increase competition, efficiency and lowers consumer prices

A fuel of blind sociopathic greed guided by short term stock gains yields our globally optimum future

No one would dream of creating a non-profit to swindle duped donors out of contributions

Fuzzy and expensive sustainability policies lead back down the slippery slope of that failed socialism

Unfettered, untraceable access to any type of weapon is a god-given, constitutionally-enshrined right

Secretly spying on our private lives requires no oversight if we, as citizens really have nothing to hide