The Vegan Outlaw’s Tale

I’m a skinny vegan outlaw trained on green salads who got whupped by angry steroid shooters

Attacked with only my meditative silence and was drowned out by the social media buzz

Found that all my careful recycling had been so jimmied up that it just made stuff cost more

Asked could they just please enforce the laws as I stood quietly outside of their closed doors

I set them factory chickens free but they was too modified to fly and too heavy to walk away

Tore the Cheetos right from them fat little kids orange fingers and they commenced to swearin

Tried to give em broccoli and carrots but they stoned me with em like some Taliban adulteress

Smoked that organic weed a quarter puff at a time and lost all my focus on our nation’s enemies

Jacked up my Hybrid, painted it camouflage and played an mp3 of a diesel pickup truck real loud

Stayed right on the edge of the road even though they threatened my bike with their big SUVs

Defiantly sought food with less salt, sugar and fat, though I wondered why it cost so much more

Spoke right up about feedlots and slaughterhouses but only drew a volley of sardonic laughter

Took to savin water on my lawn until the home owners association threatened me with foreclosure

Conservatives wrote me off to the lunatic fringe for dissing unregulated factory fishing fleets

Was arrested for Duty Interference when I told two fat cops that donuts led to diabetes

Actually refused free beer if it was that hyped factory sewage pimped by the NFL and NASCAR

Stopped my angry macho posturing as that tofu shrank my muscles and softened my brain

Even cast away my suits and ties, deodorants, shower gels, teeth whiteners and body lotions

No All-Natural chicken fingers or dyed and processed, artificially-smoked meat byproduct logs for me

Couldnt drink anything but a little red wine once them one-worlders was done re-educatin me

Grew blind and deaf to grave terrorist threats due to my narrow focus on local sustainability

Offered the obese some fresh fruit but they just threw it down beside their empty soda cans

People-to-people outreach punctured the hot-air boogeymen hydra they floated all around us

Ate the snow that landed on my tongue even though TV said it was loaded with modern toxins

Was smirkingly-ignored for condemning landfills full of fast food castoffs, aluminum and glass

Branded Soft On Defense for noting that we spend more than all the other countries combined

Turned off my TV but kept on paying for cable, left my cellphone at home for $100 a month

Reared back on my hind legs and even refused to memorize sports stats and catchy ad slogans

They briefly observed my quiet contemplation and knowingly pronounced it boring and stupid

Dreamed of beating their lame, noisy, smoking ATVs and snowmachines into tiny electric cars

Sure, I stopped taking them sawdust fiber supplements and adulterated Chinese multivitamins

Crazily mouthed off right in public that if the animals dont have no souls, then neither do we

Recklessly wanted to gamble all of our futures on clean energy and sustainable agriculture

Got so far out as to even begin to ask why illegal workers got arrested but not their bosses

Reneged on my patriotic duty to charge ever more useless shit I did not need and could not afford

Passively rejected the whole wack scenario by flouting their One True God’s edict to multiply

It Ain’t My Libtard Place

How you choose to burn the fuel you’ve by God paid for ain’t no freekin concern of mine

It ain’t none of my business how much noise your gas-powered toys jam down everbody’s ears

I shouldn’t mention that your emissions foul the air for myself and all of our descendants

I just need to shut the fuck up about your so-called recreation destroying our precious national lands

It ain’t my place to say you don’t need a shoddy but retail-outlet-sized house for 4 people

Who am I to tell you to help curb overpopulation by limiting your precious children?

How dare I suggest our traditional values to be merely some recently ginned-up political advertising?

On which socialist authority do I demand that you lose a few pounds of your pseudo-muscular fat?

I shouldn’t say that we don’t have a god-given right to cheap goods made by asian slave labor

By whose socialist decree do I try and make you go out and do some boring and stupid exercise?

It takes me a lot of gall to say your kids should learn grammar and spelling before they start texting

How dare I put the ecosystems that support us all in front of your good jobs and family welfare?

It ain’t my business if you choose to use your idling truck for an overweight personal air-conditioner

By what right do I ask you to turn down the music after you paid to get into this here campground?

it takes me a lotta cowardly nerve to say that we need to drastically reduce military spending

It’s way elitist of me to contend that you’ll only ever fight global warming with your thermostats

It ain’t my place to criticize a bailout for your over-leveraged, underwater home loan

Who gave me the authority to demand that you drive some skinny vegan electric car?

Why should I think you should take interest in world events instead of watching NFL and NASCAR?

I got no right to make you give up double meat bacon cheeseburgers or yer 40 oz, Mountain Dew

It ain’t my business that you drive alone to the cube farm in an SUV built for 8 obese adults

How dare I to mutter yer one true god don’t bless America and we really ain’t his one chosen people?

It ain’t any of my concern that Ponzi finance traders make 19000 times more than average folks

Why should I actually care if the future is over-populated, strip-mined, poisoned and always at war?

It ain’t my job to preach that we used up the resources needed to pay the debts we leave behind

Who am I to judge our closeted corporate leaders who may well be full of eternal wisdom?

Why would I think farmers know better than bonus-driven BigAg execs about sustainable methods?

What gives me the right to reset economic priorities based on junk science and fuzzy math scams?

I can’t arrest you for dropping your food wrappers and smoky butts wherever you see fit

It ain’t up to me to get all in up in your face about your comically-wornout, fairytale religions

Nobody appointed me to tell you that you waste all our resources just wasting your precious time

How can I even dare to suggest that them krauts and frenchies might possibly even have a clue?

Who told me I could pester you with this socialist nonsense of climate change and mass extinctions?

It ain’t my place to bore you with trivial details when there’s something good on the big screen

What the hell was I thinking anyway, trying to tell you what’s right and wrong for you to eat?

No need to listen when I say either all of god’s life forms have a soul or none of us actually can

We’re Living Funny Lies

Being coptered to my safe compound, I actually believe I’m worth my millions in salary and bonuses

We assure our Offshored they need only wait for the better new jobs coming Real Soon Now

Driving my hybrid 90 miles a day feeling like, you know what, I’m really making a difference here

We fill cute green cotton bags with water-wasting, slave-produced food shipped thousands of miles

Violently rejecting taxation while remaining purposely silent on reducing costs or cutting benefits

Fleecing the faithful for money, power and sex, as sales reps for wornout and fictional gods

Pushing FeelGood sustainable solutions but never mentioning necessary drastic population reductions

Glorifying the infallibility of unregulated markets while whining for subsidies and import tariffs

Assiduously recycling all my paper for shipment to china, merely to package more plastic imports

Demanding a faith-based administration but shouting that the same government stay out of our lives

Hypnotizing the lower class with clever hate speech while on the payroll of the corporate elite

Knowing our God is love as we heed His jealous demand that we smite His heathen enemies

Plastisizing my car with earth-friendly slogans made in toxic sweatshops by exploited illegales

Feeding the world with a patented seed, genetically modified to require our costly pesticides

Abandoning old suburbs for that newly-bulldozed but carbon-neutral and greener tomorrow

Hard-selling funds we purposely stuffed with crap, even as we ourselves hedge big against them

Calling for an end to greedy development threatening the gorgeous viewshed from my own new home

Gouging the bourgeois with pricey lifestyle drugs as we ignore the global disease scourges of the poor

Hanging a cute puppy calendar right by the table where I lay out our tasty but tortured family veal

Deliberately warping all their proposed legislation while damning the deceptions of the other side

Howling for freedom from government even as we condemn its lack of quick emergency response

Rebranding an unchanged, business as usual as some new, patriotic clean-coal energy independence

Paying huge premiums for USDA organics uninspectedly coming from, of all places, china

Posing as independent cowboy heroes, trampling predator-freed public lands with our welfare cattle

Posturing obesely in a loud and ugly pickup that I certainly don’t need and really can’t afford

Trumpeting the virtues of a foot-dragging negativism to whip up an ignorant anger in the alt-right

Holding guilt-free to the decision made with my personal savior to smite religious fundamentalism

Praising our sacred Human Resources even as we plot to outsource them and renege on their pensions

Ever proclaiming our holocaust suffering while we wall the Palestinians into a hot, desert ghetto

Parroting your donor propaganda to reframe science into an empty and politicized media debate

Subsidizing Wall Street Cons to pimp phony carbon offsets and Ponzi cap and trade scams

Demanding soil conservation as I endlessly fertilize, pesticide, cut and water my fakely-green lawn

Rapping out that yes-yes, we can-can change: and backdoor dealing just like we always have-have

Grazing swinishly at the rich troth of absolutely unquestionable and ever-increasing arms outlays

Nurturing a fat, ignorant pride on Doritos, Twinkies, beer, generic cigarettes and cheap hamburg

Living the lie that it’ll all somehow make sense in the end, during some, real fuzzy, happy-ever-after

The Immorality of Abusing Technicalities

Trump to Clinton on not paying taxes: “That makes me smart.” Afterwards on CNN: “No, I didn’t say that at all” – snopes.com

Deskbound health adjusters on commission denying lifesaving claims on pure technicalities

Tax lawyers growing rich and respected for purposely circumventing legislative intent

Pocketing fat fees and great honor finding loopholes to exploit with impunity and pride

Managers feeling quite upstanding doing anything counsel says that they can currently get away with

Introducing any new product chemical without testing, if it is simply not yet expressly forbidden

Approving uninspected imported food ingredients for fat bonuses without moral or legal responsibility

Cannily offshoring production simply to evade costly and intrusive environmental restrictions

Control freaks deliberately maintaining an insistence on ignorance to avoid charges of actually lying

Buying canned research studies published only if the results can be shown as favorable to our drugs

Earning huge salaries shystering complexities to cunningly subvert the spirit of the law

Righteously claiming ethical high ground with schemes morally equivalent to the absolutely outlawed

Minimally compliant with current regulations although knowing they are outdated and insufficient

Waltzing off to a secure bankruptcy from their superfund sites now surrounded by cancer hotspots

Sleeping well at night as your outsourcers work peasants 14 hrs a day with 20 to a bedroom

Lawyering by amoral procedural technicality, having nothing to do with charges, evidence or guilt

Paying whorish lobbyists obscene amounts to pervert the democratic process to greedy ends

Burying unrelated pork and hiding far-reaching provisions in all or nothing 10000 page legislation

Defensively bristling ‘We meet all government requirements’ after buying off any new regulation

Not counting the given up, underemployed or forced to part-time among the normal Unemployed

Replacing Tax and Spend with Borrow and Spend while calling for citizen Personal Responsibility

Confining mandated warnings to large words in small print, knowing they have no real effect

Paying them handsomely for stalling regulation by calling research into question via soundbites

Reducing requirements and inflating grades so that no child knows where they are left

Charging usurious interest and fees to credit card users as well as 3% to all the merchants

Reporting artificial News that attracts a target audience that satisfies big money advertisers

Convolutedly redrawing voting districts along party lines only to ensure future election results

Guaranteeing insider legislative influence simply by donating heavily to candidates of both sides

Maintaining a cozy political duopoly by jointly co-opting all 3^rd party movements into wackos

Gaining yearend bonuses by artificially boosting profits by merely postponing expense recognition

Lavishly rewarding conniving legal parasites who enable you to successfully evade taxes

Profitably re-imaging foolish consumer overspending into equity-financed negative savings rates

Swaddling arms marketing in gentle music and pleasant images of children and puppies

Being subsidized for defaulting on debts and benefits in the holy ruse of competitiveness

Glowingly praising the Human Resource while striving to cut labor costs in any way possible

Proudly rebranding corporate evasion, circumvention, subversion and delay as Doing the Right Thing

Totally comfortable mouthing Perfectly Legal to get richer via rule twisting and regulator buying

Thieves Manifesto

“Your house is your bank account” – That would be a Fox News Ad

That dumbass tourist has turned his back for a moment, Quick! grab that camera off their table

There’s hardly any jobs here and I cant read and I’d rather stay high than fix potholes

Shit, they got way more money than they deserve or know what to do with, anyhow

Anything we see and can get our hands on, well, it’s like this: we got the right to just take it

Those stupid government bastards are Still begging us to take tax money at zero interest

These jobless, assetless morons will sign anything for no money down and no credit check

We can make even more on phony inspections, imaginary fees and artificial closing costs

Then we’ll sell off the bogus loans to the big investment bank boys and go do it all over again

I’m so underwater on this stinking house, I won’t get any more equity out of it for years

Rolled my credit card and my vacations in there and walked out with cash at all my Refis

Now the rate’s adjusting up and house prices are going down and here I am, laid off again

Why, it’s just good financial strategy to walk away from this loser and start all over, clean again

So we pack these opaque tranches full of hand-picked, guaranteed subprime mortgage losers

Pay off our lap dog ratings agencies to say this worthless bag of shit is surely safe and TripleA rated

Sic the sales dogs on our hapless big investors with glossy brochures lined with 5 pt legalese

Hedge that bitch heavily and profit big when it proves to be just as worthless as we made it to be

Offshore them, outsource them, downsize them, but just eliminate them once and for all

After age 50, replace them with eager 3^rd world contractors and then renege on their benefits

Move production to China, support to India, incorporate in Bermuda and grab more fat bonuses

Hey, lets watch our new Ad about the Human Resource again, I really like the words and music

Got the mineral rights to our choice of federal and private lands for like 7¢ an acre

Bought off the regulators, gave out some toxic temporary jobs and by god jest got ‘er done

Expressed our shock and sadness over the poisonous damages and whined for federal help

Dropped the cleanup in the govt’t lap by cleverly declaring a phony bankruptcy & then walked away

Invented our own image of slick, fast-talking professionalism in stocks and cars and real estate

Sold them on the utter necessity of our so-called vital services and expensive but empty expertise

Convinced them that flat fees just wont motivate us, then drove up prices to get higher commissions

Hid the details, met the objections, closed them and made sure to never return their calls again

The politicians and the Godders keep em all sold on the moral necessity of constant war

Convinced them we need ever more arms even though we outspend all the rest combined

Got all the politicians so scared of being labeled Soft On Defense not even one would vote against us

And we also spin a self-sacrificing and patriotic image even as we suck a trillion out of every budget

They’ve got this inborn need to faith that’s a gaping opportunity for money and control

We’ve got these old stories which can be made to support anything we decide our cronies need

A few props, costumes, smoke, music and ceremonies provide the proper backdrop for our work

Their need to faith is our key to power, riches, control, sexual favors and their love and respect

God Almighty, Sure: He’ll Resurrect Ya’

god almighty, you just bet ya’

don’t need no holy scriptures or blessed servants, truth be told

god almighty, yes indeed

omniscient and omnipotent, mindless, and just plain stone cold

god almighty, don't you forget

no truths revealed or tithes required

god almighty, step right up

no heaven, hell or rebirth awaitin when you’re retired

god almighty, hallelujah

got no mind that could even test your faith

god almighty, listen to them preach

there’s nothing there upon which their story’s based

god almighty, keep the faith

for they ain't no jesus checkin’ up on your case

god almighty, give us strength

heart as warm and deep, as empty space

god almighty, by our devotion

both good and evil as fictional as eternal grace

god almighty, clap your hands

already enjoyed that afterlife, before you even began

god almighty, raise your voices

those religions just fog your vision

god almighty, brothers and sisters

prepare to find out that god aint on no mission

god almighty, hear our prayers

there’s no mind to process what it cannot sense

god almighty, stand behind us

only our imagination covers their false pretense

god almighty, be a witness

our faint prayers got no place to go

god almighty, let us testify

there is no judgment of the river flows

god almighty, deliver us please

peepin only to each other as darkness grows

god almighty, bless us, oh, our lord

just as deserving as your most black of crows

Finally Beyond All These Prejudices

They finally got that knee jerk reaction towards blacks somewhat under conscious control

Not automatically hating real estate agents, politicians, lawyers or even bankers on sight

They gave up the ugly stereotypes of those pushing all their stuff around in dirty grocery carts

Probably every conservative doesn’t live solely on a spiritual diet of angry sound bites

The visible fact that they are extremely ugly may just no longer cost them every promotion

Never again will we be forced into war by the jealousy of our own, the one and only, true God

Don’t get nauseous now from men dressed only in spandex grape holders, kissing on parade floats

Stopped up that inner voice that always screamed FAT, FAT, FAT when talking to an obese person

Won’t tighten up in anger just hearing some foreign language speakers in our clean town park

Quelled the autonomous shut-down reaction they always had to wornout socialist planning ideas

Don’t unconsciously under-rate those pushy and loud-mouthed short people anymore

Quit labeling climate zealots as misguided zombies in a costly plot to end our sovereignty

Learned not to resent the tenured and incompetent, leaned-in Mommies now in charge

Aren’t quite as ready to bomb baby killers in their godless abortion clinics in Jesus’ name

Got around to thinking that likely all neegros aren’t inferior, addicted, whoring and lazy bastards

And blacks no longer view the flood of illegales as trying to steal their welfare birthrights

Feeling maybe the French couldn’t really be such clueless, yellow, old-European snobs

Not as callously dismissing Compassionate Conservatism by simply reviewing its historical results

Wont be teasing, taunting and beating the geeks and scientists quite as often as we used to

Maybe those battered old Hondas really don’t threaten our exceptionist 9 passenger SUV lifestyle

They can look right past that whatever race as easily as they can ignore some damn sheethead

Stopped seeing every bumbling project manager as but a whining, backbiting, ass-kissing loser

Even thinking how recycling, conservation and efficiency might not just be some wacko conspiracy

Feeling more and more like lobbyists may be there to simply try and help us all get along better

Don’t try to see just how close they can get their pickups to them candy-ass bicyclists anymore

Aren’t calling the Clean Coal people the very embodiment of all that is evil in the world right now

Stopped viewing illegal immigration as if it were some sort of vast, liberal-backed invasion

Losing the urge to punch out those heavyset, shorthaired, fatfaced butches with the cute girlfriends

Finally drinking the Self Responsibility Kool-Aid instead of playing that oh-so tattered race card

Not thinking pushy Jews control finance and Hollywood while pulling a holocaust on the Palestinians

Ended their bloody Jihads and now even tolerate other false and unworthy Islamic sects

Wont commit more Tibetan-style genocides by Han replacement and cultural extinction

Wont see voters as sheep to be bought with expensive, dumbed-down, homey sound bites

Trying to stop accounting for employees simply as costs to be slashed to earn even more fat bonuses

Promising to look the handicapped in the eyes but not remake the world in their crippled images

No longer view their elders as irrelevant, senile fools with a duty to just get out of the way and die

Both Sides Just Say NO!

        “If he (Obama) was for it, we had to be against it” – Ohio senator George Voinovich
Digging in their heels on another issue to break the arch political enemy, once and for all

Pushing back so hard there’s no time to come up with any real initiatives of their own

Keeping heads down and eyes closed the whole time they’re shaking them and repeating NO!

Winning great victories that result only in the continuation of a bitter partisan stalemate

Stalling for more study using highly-charged, pseudo-scientific, marketing catchphrases

Trotting out the trusted homily of ‘too expensive in jobs and money’ at every opportunity

Keeping every party member voting NO! as a block is their noble plan to save this great land

They educate the electorate with corporate donors, costly lobbyists and slick media heads

Stirring a few outright lies into cleverly mixed sound bites keeps our patriotic fervor fresh

Getting sloganeers to galvanize the lower class again, to reclaim their privileged advantage

Leveraging the common ignorance, greed and sloth to regain power via faux-folksy pandering

Encouraging polarization to help ensure the ongoing paralysis that fosters our undevelopment

Actively promoting inaction by embedding poison pills in all new legislation from the other side

Saving the people time and again by acting out like some constipating intestinal blockage

Encouraging that noisy hatred and distrust instead of quietly-reasoned debate and compromise

Disguising their donor’s agenda with simple, slick, loudly-repeated and expensive propaganda

Hailing the mere blocking of legislation as a triumph of democracy for Traditional Family Values©

Relying on tired parliamentary maneuvers to slow, stall and then kill any and all real action

Nurturing divisive partisan political paralysis in a suicidal scorched earth campaign

Stoutly refusing to raise taxes while bravely halting any attempts to cut costs or benefits

Merely impeding the opposition, we advertise having done our noble duty quite well

Gleefully declaring yet another initiative dead, we add to the list of our accomplishments

We smirk and pose like great white hunters standing atop yet another legislative corpse

Demanding action and shouting out blame even while stubbornly refusing to help craft solutions

Partnering with clever pundits paid for by our corporate sponsors to glorify our stagnation

Making just saying NO! look like we took some real action, as if with torches and pitchforks

Demonizing the opposition to such a degree that any co-operation would be deemed traitorous

Blindly banding together to stall for victory via the patriotic act of yet another filibuster

Determined that all hopey-changey-squishy fairytales shall be crushed beneath our dragging feet

Blocking each initiative and then trumpeting that the opposition has done nothing at all

After digging in our heels and stalling for time, we shall then demand further research

With paid media and corporate support, we inflame the belligerent and ignorant masses

Declaring our righteous anger we whip up a warlike frenzy to ensure that nothing happens

We sync with donors to deface, demean and delay and trumpet the enemy’s ineffectiveness

We’ll rant of awful problems but stifle any action and then sorely bemoan our nation’s situation

We’ll just say NO! in a chorus and then shout out that the people demand a change

Analyzing Human Extinction

They might have been viewed as precursors, had their line not ended quite so abruptly

Their culture could possibly have evolved into more than a simple, greedy self-destruction

Maybe their fossils would have been enshrined in chapels, museums and laboratories

Looking at their petrified remains might have even inspired great awe and wonder in little ones

Their lifestyle in an ancient era would have been a lesson to their grateful descendants

Emergence from a rough and tumble past might have resulted later, in a state of grace

Their patchwork history and tattered legends could have easily anchored great cultures

Viewed as ancestors, their violent habits would have been seen in a totally different light

They might have passed on valuable lessons from out of a vast sea of ancient experience

Perhaps distant progeny would have honored them and sought out their blessings

It might have been possible that they formed the stem of a still-flowering species tree

Their DNA could have contributed to something beyond their short, harsh and angry tale

Had their seed carried on, their venal struggles might not now appear so foolish and so vain

Were they not evolutionary dead-ends their violence and waste might possibly make sense

Without wantonly destroying their supporting environment, they could have carried on

Possibly, if they did not extinguish so many other species, they could have even loved one another

Outcomes may have differed if their myths had endowed everlasting souls to all living things

Could have survived had they not gifted themselves exclusive domain over their one planet

Maybe their self-granted commandment to be fruitful resulted in their toxic overpopulation

Certainly the warfare demanded by their many one true gods contributed to their demise

They might not have shambled off into early oblivion had they escaped their own Social Darwinism

If they could have appreciated their inheritance, they might have planned for their legacy

Perhaps not basing their economy on shortsighted greed would have led to more success

Finally taking action only after they had collapsed their ecosystem was not a viable survival strategy

Maybe not gauging their progress solely upon extractive consumption would have helped

Trusting in ponzi perpetual growth instead of steady state survival probably aided their demise

Their never-begotten offspring might not have disdained their elders as irrelevant fools

Had they the sense not to bring on a mass extinction, things might have been very different

Possibly their urge to killing did not serve them as self-appointed stewards of the earth

Maybe market solutions were not appropriate for blindly solving all of their world’s problems

Basing price on demand did not ensure the long-term availability of any of their finite resources

Placing their bloated population’s marketed needs before the one planet that sustained them failed

They might have explored the universe had they not destroyed their own spaceship earth

In the end, their perpetual and expensive warfare did not confer to them any survival advantage

If they had not always followed monomaniacal will-to-power freaks, they might still exist

But, instead, they are rightly known as the precursors of nothing and the ancestors to no living beings