Please Help The Bankers

‘To date, no executives have faced prosecution for the widespread mortgage fraud that fueled the bubble’ - billmoyers.com

We’ve got to help the bankers for they’ve always been here for us during our times of need

Stood right there fighting by our sides with us, whenever the financial seas got rough

Weren’t afraid to go to bat for us even if it meant going out on a limb in terms of their own risk

Had our best interests right next to their hearts as they wisely greased the economic skids

Helped ensure sure we stayed on track with the savings we needed for our retirement

Looked beyond their personal gain to the good of our families and our blessed land

Did not scan us merely for short-term profit potential but rather helped us as neighbors and friends

Most probably they often let deals go untaken if they did not help further community interests

Greeted us by name when we walked in and kept our home loans safely guarded, right here in town

Lived just like the other honest folks and had the same dreams as us normal families

They surely did not let computer models back at corporate HQ make their lending decisions

Now it’s our turn to help them out a bit so together we can all get back on track again

Weren’t blinded by greed for the outlandish bonuses given for ruining all of our futures

Didn’t wrap No-Income, No-Job, No-Asset loans in fake TripleA tranches to sell to insurance trusts

Wouldn’t pay clueless 20 something, so-called, financial engineers millions for CDO con schemes

Never avoided all regulation by saying it stifled their creative innovation in free financial markets

Never crowned themselves as the best and the brightest, too-big-to-fail, masters of the universe

They certainly wouldn’t use gov’t bailout money for mergers while foreclosing upon their friends

Come on everybody let’s pull together: Banks are the circulation system of a healthy economy

Anyway, we all have some problems every now and then, so please, no finger-pointing

Neighbors at your local bank actually aren’t simply puppets of greedy New York financiers

They didn’t give themselves billions in bonuses for gambling on dicey hedges and derivatives

Wouldn’t help themselves to bailout money bonuses while tightening up on your loan standards

We must help them or, as they say, it will get so much worse than you could ever imagine

Weren’t so foolish as to leverage all of us into bankruptcy based on a voodoo finance risk model

But you really can’t blame them for taking some advantage of artificially low interest rates

After all, their own loans didn’t ratchet up out of sight even before the ink was printed on the paper

Oh, no, it wasn’t them that hid old car debt in new and already underwater auto leases

They never masked home equity loans covering credit card debt as profitable re-financing plays

It wasn’t them who drove the market for penthouses and luxury goods sky high with their bonuses

They didn’t immediately dump un-scrutinized loans for a fat profit and then totally disown them

They would never have made billions hedging heavily on the failure of their very own investment funds

Our town bankers wouldn’t grant loans without credit checks and income verification

Their CEOs didn’t hide trillions in unregulated CDOs and under-audited derivatives

They didn’t collectively freeze up in fear that their peers’ secret assets were also worthless

We must help the bankers now because it’s certainly obvious that they would do the same for us

We’re Living Funny Lies

Being coptered to my safe compound, I actually believe I’m worth my millions in salary and bonuses

We assure our Offshored they need only wait for the better new jobs coming Real Soon Now

Driving my hybrid 90 miles a day feeling like, you know what, I’m really making a difference here

We fill cute green cotton bags with water-wasting, slave-produced food shipped thousands of miles

Violently rejecting taxation while remaining purposely silent on reducing costs or cutting benefits

Fleecing the faithful for money, power and sex, as sales reps for wornout and fictional gods

Pushing FeelGood sustainable solutions but never mentioning necessary drastic population reductions

Glorifying the infallibility of unregulated markets while whining for subsidies and import tariffs

Assiduously recycling all my paper for shipment to china, merely to package more plastic imports

Demanding a faith-based administration but shouting that the same government stay out of our lives

Hypnotizing the lower class with clever hate speech while on the payroll of the corporate elite

Knowing our God is love as we heed His jealous demand that we smite His heathen enemies

Plastisizing my car with earth-friendly slogans made in toxic sweatshops by exploited illegales

Feeding the world with a patented seed, genetically modified to require our costly pesticides

Abandoning old suburbs for that newly-bulldozed but carbon-neutral and greener tomorrow

Hard-selling funds we purposely stuffed with crap, even as we ourselves hedge big against them

Calling for an end to greedy development threatening the gorgeous viewshed from my own new home

Gouging the bourgeois with pricey lifestyle drugs as we ignore the global disease scourges of the poor

Hanging a cute puppy calendar right by the table where I lay out our tasty but tortured family veal

Deliberately warping all their proposed legislation while damning the deceptions of the other side

Howling for freedom from government even as we condemn its lack of quick emergency response

Rebranding an unchanged, business as usual as some new, patriotic clean-coal energy independence

Paying huge premiums for USDA organics uninspectedly coming from, of all places, china

Posing as independent cowboy heroes, trampling predator-freed public lands with our welfare cattle

Posturing obesely in a loud and ugly pickup that I certainly don’t need and really can’t afford

Trumpeting the virtues of a foot-dragging negativism to whip up an ignorant anger in the alt-right

Holding guilt-free to the decision made with my personal savior to smite religious fundamentalism

Praising our sacred Human Resources even as we plot to outsource them and renege on their pensions

Ever proclaiming our holocaust suffering while we wall the Palestinians into a hot, desert ghetto

Parroting your donor propaganda to reframe science into an empty and politicized media debate

Subsidizing Wall Street Cons to pimp phony carbon offsets and Ponzi cap and trade scams

Demanding soil conservation as I endlessly fertilize, pesticide, cut and water my fakely-green lawn

Rapping out that yes-yes, we can-can change: and backdoor dealing just like we always have-have

Grazing swinishly at the rich troth of absolutely unquestionable and ever-increasing arms outlays

Nurturing a fat, ignorant pride on Doritos, Twinkies, beer, generic cigarettes and cheap hamburg

Living the lie that it’ll all somehow make sense in the end, during some, real fuzzy, happy-ever-after

The Immorality of Abusing Technicalities

Trump to Clinton on not paying taxes: “That makes me smart.” Afterwards on CNN: “No, I didn’t say that at all” – snopes.com

Deskbound health adjusters on commission denying lifesaving claims on pure technicalities

Tax lawyers growing rich and respected for purposely circumventing legislative intent

Pocketing fat fees and great honor finding loopholes to exploit with impunity and pride

Managers feeling quite upstanding doing anything counsel says that they can currently get away with

Introducing any new product chemical without testing, if it is simply not yet expressly forbidden

Approving uninspected imported food ingredients for fat bonuses without moral or legal responsibility

Cannily offshoring production simply to evade costly and intrusive environmental restrictions

Control freaks deliberately maintaining an insistence on ignorance to avoid charges of actually lying

Buying canned research studies published only if the results can be shown as favorable to our drugs

Earning huge salaries shystering complexities to cunningly subvert the spirit of the law

Righteously claiming ethical high ground with schemes morally equivalent to the absolutely outlawed

Minimally compliant with current regulations although knowing they are outdated and insufficient

Waltzing off to a secure bankruptcy from their superfund sites now surrounded by cancer hotspots

Sleeping well at night as your outsourcers work peasants 14 hrs a day with 20 to a bedroom

Lawyering by amoral procedural technicality, having nothing to do with charges, evidence or guilt

Paying whorish lobbyists obscene amounts to pervert the democratic process to greedy ends

Burying unrelated pork and hiding far-reaching provisions in all or nothing 10000 page legislation

Defensively bristling ‘We meet all government requirements’ after buying off any new regulation

Not counting the given up, underemployed or forced to part-time among the normal Unemployed

Replacing Tax and Spend with Borrow and Spend while calling for citizen Personal Responsibility

Confining mandated warnings to large words in small print, knowing they have no real effect

Paying them handsomely for stalling regulation by calling research into question via soundbites

Reducing requirements and inflating grades so that no child knows where they are left

Charging usurious interest and fees to credit card users as well as 3% to all the merchants

Reporting artificial News that attracts a target audience that satisfies big money advertisers

Convolutedly redrawing voting districts along party lines only to ensure future election results

Guaranteeing insider legislative influence simply by donating heavily to candidates of both sides

Maintaining a cozy political duopoly by jointly co-opting all 3^rd party movements into wackos

Gaining yearend bonuses by artificially boosting profits by merely postponing expense recognition

Lavishly rewarding conniving legal parasites who enable you to successfully evade taxes

Profitably re-imaging foolish consumer overspending into equity-financed negative savings rates

Swaddling arms marketing in gentle music and pleasant images of children and puppies

Being subsidized for defaulting on debts and benefits in the holy ruse of competitiveness

Glowingly praising the Human Resource while striving to cut labor costs in any way possible

Proudly rebranding corporate evasion, circumvention, subversion and delay as Doing the Right Thing

Totally comfortable mouthing Perfectly Legal to get richer via rule twisting and regulator buying

Thieves Manifesto

“Your house is your bank account” – That would be a Fox News Ad

That dumbass tourist has turned his back for a moment, Quick! grab that camera off their table

There’s hardly any jobs here and I cant read and I’d rather stay high than fix potholes

Shit, they got way more money than they deserve or know what to do with, anyhow

Anything we see and can get our hands on, well, it’s like this: we got the right to just take it

Those stupid government bastards are Still begging us to take tax money at zero interest

These jobless, assetless morons will sign anything for no money down and no credit check

We can make even more on phony inspections, imaginary fees and artificial closing costs

Then we’ll sell off the bogus loans to the big investment bank boys and go do it all over again

I’m so underwater on this stinking house, I won’t get any more equity out of it for years

Rolled my credit card and my vacations in there and walked out with cash at all my Refis

Now the rate’s adjusting up and house prices are going down and here I am, laid off again

Why, it’s just good financial strategy to walk away from this loser and start all over, clean again

So we pack these opaque tranches full of hand-picked, guaranteed subprime mortgage losers

Pay off our lap dog ratings agencies to say this worthless bag of shit is surely safe and TripleA rated

Sic the sales dogs on our hapless big investors with glossy brochures lined with 5 pt legalese

Hedge that bitch heavily and profit big when it proves to be just as worthless as we made it to be

Offshore them, outsource them, downsize them, but just eliminate them once and for all

After age 50, replace them with eager 3^rd world contractors and then renege on their benefits

Move production to China, support to India, incorporate in Bermuda and grab more fat bonuses

Hey, lets watch our new Ad about the Human Resource again, I really like the words and music

Got the mineral rights to our choice of federal and private lands for like 7¢ an acre

Bought off the regulators, gave out some toxic temporary jobs and by god jest got ‘er done

Expressed our shock and sadness over the poisonous damages and whined for federal help

Dropped the cleanup in the govt’t lap by cleverly declaring a phony bankruptcy & then walked away

Invented our own image of slick, fast-talking professionalism in stocks and cars and real estate

Sold them on the utter necessity of our so-called vital services and expensive but empty expertise

Convinced them that flat fees just wont motivate us, then drove up prices to get higher commissions

Hid the details, met the objections, closed them and made sure to never return their calls again

The politicians and the Godders keep em all sold on the moral necessity of constant war

Convinced them we need ever more arms even though we outspend all the rest combined

Got all the politicians so scared of being labeled Soft On Defense not even one would vote against us

And we also spin a self-sacrificing and patriotic image even as we suck a trillion out of every budget

They’ve got this inborn need to faith that’s a gaping opportunity for money and control

We’ve got these old stories which can be made to support anything we decide our cronies need

A few props, costumes, smoke, music and ceremonies provide the proper backdrop for our work

Their need to faith is our key to power, riches, control, sexual favors and their love and respect

It’s Technical-You Pay

The service contract said that we had to pay again even though they made it worse trying to fix it

No, your contract is subject to a binding arbitration with a judge whom we alone get to choose

Technically, we owe you nothing but we have decided to cut your charges by 20%, for one month

Why, we never dreamed our house payment could triple just one year into our new ARM mortgage

Our investment instruments are so complicated that only a no-strings bailout can save your world

Experts blame a computer error for today’s lengthy and widespread technical problems

We can get you a new phone overnite but you must pay for the old one for another month as well

Regrettably, our computerized credit model has determined that we cannot modify your bad loan

All these other power adapters are incompatible but we can offer you this whole new unit, at retail

Per contract, we are not responsible for our technical difficulties resulting in your service outages

I did not understand our trading instruments so I OK’d them based solely on their profit potential

You won’t actually know the exact charge until you get your first bill, Oh, and it will vary monthly

Sir, the bottom line is that you must re-install everything and all your work and settings are lost

This hot new gizmo is perfect except for this one little piece that breaks every time on all of them

They said that it all looks fine from their end so you really shouldn't be seeing a problem on your side

It's not supposed to do that unless you change something else but nobody ever touched a thing here

His said he was Bill but I couldn’t understand him so he put me on hold and hung up after 15 minutes

Their agreement says they are not responsible if it doesn’t work or if anything else bad happens

No, I didn’t read that 12 pages of 4 point font fine print legalese, I only listened to the nice salesman

Come to find out, that expensive warranty doesn’t cover anything that ever could actually break

Never understood why the media ran exposés on the same scams that they sold commercials for

His worth to the firm was incalculable so they guaranteed him millions - even if he failed or was fired

His lawyer said he relished a chance to clear his name but yet he would make no public statements

Their peasant’s 14 hour slave wage days making things they couldn’t afford was hailed as progress

Though their HQ was in Bermuda and their factories in china, their ads were all so very American

Their stock price rose upon the announcement of further cost-cutting led by even more layoffs

He said that their unintelligible legalese was not their scam but was required by the government

It seems the recyclers are losing money since it still costs too much to reuse their free raw materials

She never considered what happened when she flipped a switch so it really was no miracle to her

Though we won’t go into the details here, if you run the numbers you can quite easily see…

This agreement states you must train your offshore replacement to qualify for any severance at all

Even if our own experts disagree on what the tax code actually states, we can fine you in any case

This undiagnosed pre-existing condition disqualifies your claim and also, we are canceling your policy

Initialing here means we cannot be held liable for any risks we downplay, ignore or don’t understand

This says you cannot sue us but it’s really just so you might not even try if something bad happens

It actually states that we can cancel your contract anytime but you have no way to ever get out of it

How Real Conservatives Sacrifice

‘Let us sacrifice our today so that our children can have a better tomorrow.’  A.P.J. Abdul Kalam

To feed divinely-mandated population growth, we seek more intensive farming on increased acreage

We must abandon this foolish carbon tax idea that threatens an ever-fragile economic recovery

Sadly, we will not even be able to debate funding the cleanup of our surface waters right now

The savings of the thrifty must be sacrificed to no-strings-attached bailouts for the moneychangers

The Pygmies and the Inuit must help pay our dues, right along with the Orangs and the Bonobos

We ask that desert species permanently accept this new hotter, drier and windier order

Microscopic ocean life forms will simply have to adapt to consuming our rain of plastic particulates

Migrating elephants must stop feeding upon the crops we now must grow on their ancient pathways

We propose massive cuts to biodiversity to be offset by large increases in human numbers

Many un-cataloged rain forest species must be replaced by new bioengineered monocrops

To meet our taste for fish we must foster their extinction by driving up their prices

Corporate farms will be forced to degrade the soils to meet the nutritional needs of good families

Consumers must accept ecologically devastating imports which don’t work, then simply break

Trees need to begin migrating to survive this absolutely unpreventable, unproven change in climate

The frogs had best be making some kind of peace with their inevitable and imminent extinction

We are drafting a plan to pack ever more of our people into sprawling unmanaged ghettos

Healthcare spending must be slashed as it threatens such truly important items as defense

We must enforce the tacit global agreement to collectively bury our heads in the sand

Please grant your old jobs to foreigners and believe that the better ones come to you tomorrow

We ask that polar bears and musk oxen take Personal Responsibility for their adaptation

Nearly all of us must accept a uniformly low living standard in the name of globalization

It is not without some regret that we unveil our new energy independence through coal initiative

During these times of real crisis, noise and light pollution are simply not on our agenda

We must secretly violate your privacy to prevent more awful attacks we cannot mention

We ask mothers to carry PCBs, metals and hormones in their milk for the sake of our progress

Our people must bravely sacrifice their children’s futures to fulfill their own implanted desires

The songbirds shall be called upon to disappear from their shredded habitats everywhere

Our rivers will have to carry the burden of our billion points of unconscious toxic runoff

The last old growth forests will be asked to provide us with a few bad, but temporary logging jobs

Sales reps of all one true gods must demand blinder faith for empty promises of eternal salvation

Bankers will be asked to endure symbolic wrist-slappings as they grasp at more unaudited handouts

Oil companies must accept record profits on a declining supply yet subvert all energy alternatives

For the sake of leaving not one child behind, we seek a general dumbing down of all of society

We petition coal extractors to patriotically hold down costs thru non-remediated strip-mining

Regrettably, as His chosen people we must pursue a cowboy exceptionist foreign policy, in His name

In this time of shared sacrifice we ask for a continued suspension of our collective common sense

The Promised Good New Jobs Of Tomorrow Are Here!

Outsourcing clears the way for our workers to enjoy the better jobs of tomorrow

Smile behind the register, Put on this checkered shirt, ID on all tobacco and beer sales

Put some more gas in the mower, Scrape the paint off that window frame, Break is over

Shovel that gravel over here, Get off your ass, Put out that cigarette, Go stand over there

Vacuum that hall, Pile up them bean cans, Roll that patient over, Clean out these bedpans

Carry that ladder over there, Empty all them trash cans, Bring the rest of those plates in

Mop the floor when nobody’s here, Re-stock the candy bars, Check on the Mountain Dew

Don’t gossip with the delivery men, Don’t insult the drunks, We don’t give vacations

Go sweep up those potato chips, Pick up all them cigarette butts, Put back these tampons

Sort out the rotten vegetables, Get rid of that spoiled chicken, Clean out those cages

Now bring in the sleeper couch, Put that chest over there, Go and wash out the dumpster

Say Hello to all the customers, Count out what they give and their change, Always say Thank You

Unroll that sod over there, Shovel that sidewalk, That sink is not clean, Fumigate the hall

Tear out this old carpet, Don’t waste any paint, Pick up all those branches, No sunglasses

Don’t waste those rags, Clean that 3^rd story window, Get the snow off that overhang

Pick up the trash on the gas island, Put more hot dogs in the roaster, Don’t be so loud

Bundle up this cardboard, Get off your cell, You pay for them tools, First buy a uniform

Keep the coffee pot half full, Clean the bathroom every 2 hours, Don’t let them kids steal

Act like you’re busy, Don’t be late again, There’s no work today, Wait and wash up later

Don’t waste paper towels, Trim that bush over there, You keep off their carpet,

Park down the street, Take down your pictures, No  personal calls, Your wife isn’t covered

No internet access, Say your boss isn’t available, Just tell them you don’t make the rules

It’s company policy, Jokes are for your own time, Show Gupta here how to do your job

There’s no benefits for you contractors, Your future isn’t my problem, Grind off this rust

Stop looking bored, Take out those earbuds, Keep filling their water glasses, Be quiet now

Crawl down there and clean it out, Climb up there and get that branch, You missed a spot

Go caulk that window, Sand this some more, Take off your hat, Lose the gum

Spread this glue in the closet, scrape off this old floor, Shut up or you’re fired right now

Clean up the spill on 7, This food ain’t for you, Put on your name tag, Hide that tattoo

Don’t slap the gropers, Get your kid out of here, Go fix your hair, You need this job?

Clean them with this solvent, Break down them cartons, Brush out the pool

No radios here, Go outside to eat, Unclog that urinal, You wanna get deported?

Cut those chickens faster, Wade out and get that, Pick up the scraps, Seal this tile

Scrub under the fryer mat, Do them pots again, Go move your car, Clean these brushes

Reach down in there, Hold this for me, Get me the new one, Keep that light still

Don’t get surly with me, Spray this stuff on the weeds, Stay outside, Bring in my tools

Gonna have to let you go, Don’t come back tomorrow, Call me in a week or so

Industry Self-Regulation Not Gov’t Intrusion

Surely logging interests wouldn’t clearcut so far as to silt up the streams and ruin riparian habitat

Hog farmers will responsibly provide us with affordable chops without just dumping all the manure

Altruistic corporate leaders won’t boost profits with cheaper, un-inspected, foreign food ingredients

Surely it can’t cost us a hundred times what it costs Africans for the privilege of having a cell phone

Oil producers will surely have proven tested contingency plans and practiced emergency procedures

Factories won’t simply dump untested new chemicals just because there’s not yet a law against them

Surely banks would not bet against funds they built to fail yet still push them to good customers

Secret internal monitoring will probably prevent rogue perverted clergy from molesting our children

Insurers would never pay commissions for twisting arcane technicalities to deny costly procedures

We also don’t need government death panels making treatment decisions for good family doctors

Unregulated mountain top removal will yield us a safe and cheap, coal-based energy independence

You really can count on wise global oligarchs, meeting in secret, to craft a better world for us all

Trust selfless defense contractors to patriotically hold down costs and not invent bogeymen

Unconstrained, agribusiness will conserve water, provide safe foods and sustain our soils forever

Industries will self-regulate to reduce CO2 emissions even though it may even reduce their profits

Setting the amount of salt, calories and fats in our food is best left to corporate marketers

The Best and Brightest over there on Wall Street must be permitted unfettered financial innovation

Supply and demand will prevent invisible multinationals from strip-mining the open seas of all life

Heavy-handed rules and regulation can only cost hard-working families excessive jobs and money

Industry councils will devise voluntary guidelines to properly address virtually any issue

BigPharma wont push phony lifestyle drugs, ignore 3^rd world suffering and jack up generic prices

The informed consumer will wisely avert epidemics of obesity, diabetes and coronary disease

Lifetime judges would never actively misinterpret the constitution to misconstrue the people’s will

Monopolies, tariffs and subsidies without oversight or taxes are not the only corporate lobbying goals

Investment banks do not use their unregulated financial creativity to blackmail world markets

Lawyers would never let their ads degenerate into despicably misleading sales pitches to sufferers

Real estate professionals nobly self-monitor conflicts of interest, omissions and deceptions

Gamblers, smokers and drinkers can retain control of their lives thru Personal Responsibility

Carmakers would’ve tackled safety, economy and emissions themselves without intrusive mandates

Food conglomerates don’t need oversight for targeting kids with addiction to caffeine, sugar and fat

Merging cable providers actually does increase competition, efficiency and lowers consumer prices

A fuel of blind sociopathic greed guided by short term stock gains yields our globally optimum future

No one would dream of creating a non-profit to swindle duped donors out of contributions

Fuzzy and expensive sustainability policies lead back down the slippery slope of that failed socialism

Unfettered, untraceable access to any type of weapon is a god-given, constitutionally-enshrined right

Secretly spying on our private lives requires no oversight if we, as citizens really have nothing to hide