The Vegan Outlaw’s Tale

I’m a skinny vegan outlaw trained on green salads who got whupped by angry steroid shooters

Attacked with only my meditative silence and was drowned out by the social media buzz

Found that all my careful recycling had been so jimmied up that it just made stuff cost more

Asked could they just please enforce the laws as I stood quietly outside of their closed doors

I set them factory chickens free but they was too modified to fly and too heavy to walk away

Tore the Cheetos right from them fat little kids orange fingers and they commenced to swearin

Tried to give em broccoli and carrots but they stoned me with em like some Taliban adulteress

Smoked that organic weed a quarter puff at a time and lost all my focus on our nation’s enemies

Jacked up my Hybrid, painted it camouflage and played an mp3 of a diesel pickup truck real loud

Stayed right on the edge of the road even though they threatened my bike with their big SUVs

Defiantly sought food with less salt, sugar and fat, though I wondered why it cost so much more

Spoke right up about feedlots and slaughterhouses but only drew a volley of sardonic laughter

Took to savin water on my lawn until the home owners association threatened me with foreclosure

Conservatives wrote me off to the lunatic fringe for dissing unregulated factory fishing fleets

Was arrested for Duty Interference when I told two fat cops that donuts led to diabetes

Actually refused free beer if it was that hyped factory sewage pimped by the NFL and NASCAR

Stopped my angry macho posturing as that tofu shrank my muscles and softened my brain

Even cast away my suits and ties, deodorants, shower gels, teeth whiteners and body lotions

No All-Natural chicken fingers or dyed and processed, artificially-smoked meat byproduct logs for me

Couldnt drink anything but a little red wine once them one-worlders was done re-educatin me

Grew blind and deaf to grave terrorist threats due to my narrow focus on local sustainability

Offered the obese some fresh fruit but they just threw it down beside their empty soda cans

People-to-people outreach punctured the hot-air boogeymen hydra they floated all around us

Ate the snow that landed on my tongue even though TV said it was loaded with modern toxins

Was smirkingly-ignored for condemning landfills full of fast food castoffs, aluminum and glass

Branded Soft On Defense for noting that we spend more than all the other countries combined

Turned off my TV but kept on paying for cable, left my cellphone at home for $100 a month

Reared back on my hind legs and even refused to memorize sports stats and catchy ad slogans

They briefly observed my quiet contemplation and knowingly pronounced it boring and stupid

Dreamed of beating their lame, noisy, smoking ATVs and snowmachines into tiny electric cars

Sure, I stopped taking them sawdust fiber supplements and adulterated Chinese multivitamins

Crazily mouthed off right in public that if the animals dont have no souls, then neither do we

Recklessly wanted to gamble all of our futures on clean energy and sustainable agriculture

Got so far out as to even begin to ask why illegal workers got arrested but not their bosses

Reneged on my patriotic duty to charge ever more useless shit I did not need and could not afford

Passively rejected the whole wack scenario by flouting their One True God’s edict to multiply

At Least We'll All Be Gone

That grab-it-now gouging at the face and guts of the earth will have to stop quite soon

That utter waste of building things with which only to kill and destroy, that surely ends as well

Not much longer will all these river systems simply be used by us solely as convenient drains

At least our incessant, foolish, noisy, advertising braying can’t go on forever

Happily, the car salesmen, real estate agents, lawyers and bankers will also disappear, real soon

Thank god that any day now we’ll stop making pointless noise just because we think we can

At least we’ve unknowingly but irrevocably rushed beyond many decisive tipping points

In any case, blowing shit up in celebration will be forgotten in a very short geologic timeframe

The fall of our lamely-glitzed entertainment empire will be a most pleasant side-effect

At least our wasteful but paranoid night lights will be replaced once more by honest darkness

At a minimum, we can rejoice in the eternal loss of the invisible wisdom of our corporate fathers

Thankfully, politicians will no longer read speechesn that their donors had others write for them

At least no more toxic wastes will be illegally dumped secretly, but profitably, in the night

Fool treehuggers wont have to feel responsible for killing off recently-cataloged, unstudied species

Happily the refrain of ‘too expensive in jobs and money’ won’t ever be voiced again

Healthcare rationing will no longer be a worry as both patients and providers rapidly decline

Maybe the ocean will re-attain its balance far more quickly than greenie whiners ever said

Luckily, its impossible for us to expunge every single living cell on this entire planet

At most only 99% of all the amphibians will be poisoned, infected or bulldozed into oblivion

At least the malls will decompose quickly and the McMansions will be rapidly overgrown

In any case, squishes wont be around to whine about how much they miss those stupid songbirds

Adieu to the mass plunder of simple faith by fictional religions twisted to greedy ends

At least the end of corporate-created, artificially-induced over-consumption is close at hand

One good by-product is the silencing of our loud pride in our willful ignorance and illiteracy

Officials wont need expensive fictions to justify preemptively-defensive wars of liberation

At least tons of foolishly wasted reusable resources will no longer be buried with our toxic wastes

The omnipresent backbeat of political and advertising propaganda will fall silent at last

Finally, the Jews and all their many enemies will lay down together in an everlasting peace

At least all of us wont have to pay for yet another of their foolish financial meltdowns

Happily, our teens wont text a thousand empty but expensive messages per week

Our emissions will be cut to nothing without any intrusive regulations or wasteful taxes

We can stop ignoring the fact that our own overpopulation causes almost all of our problems

Mercifully, more 14 hour per day Chinese wage slaves living 20 to a room won’t be needed

Amen to death to any infidels choosing incorrectly from our many fictional One True Gods

Without regrets, the end of our holocaust against the domestic animals will come to pass

At least, it will be quite obvious that we cannot shortchange any more future generations

Paradoxically Praying For Reason

Praying to be able to use Your gift of reason to evade the faiths we invented, now used to control us

Trusting in god to permit us to co-exist with all the false-god tricked infidels filling his world

Beseeching him to allow us to stumble upon our own good solutions at our own slow pace

Hoping ‘He’ need not bother to take the time to watch over us at every single moment, 24x7x365

Asking for the blessing of logic to fight off the polished spin of smarmy religious propagandists

Reveling in the wonders, but not mindlessly labeling random tragedies as his unfathomable will

Casting off the myth of some mysterious plan which we must accept, but cannot ever understand

Seeking freedom from mind-numbing, rote-memory fundamentalist literalism, of any stripe

Paradoxically praying that the siege of science by dogmatic religions will somehow be lifted

Asking him to permit us to recreate the worn out legends we have so warped and attributed to him

Pleading to be freed from the psychic bondage they control us with, in his fictional name

Working towards salvation from abusive dogma via reproducible and peer-reviewed results

Casting a blind eye on religious monuments while looking closely within at our empty mystery

Rejecting their narrow and self-centered myth of eternal souls, granted only to we humans

Praying their religious franchises go bankrupt but their churches at last be put to some good use

Calling out the power-hungry who would use our simple need to faith to their own greedy ends

Searching for strength to cast off their easy answers and face the existential questions we fear most

Praying for a faith that does not seek to control us thru ignorance, fear and superstition

Seeking great human wisdom, but not revealed truth in that good literature of scripture

Begging these gods we call love not to order that we smite one another once again, in their names

Asking him to halt the lame demand, mouthed in every political speech that he bless this country

Needing his wisdom to stop righteously killing one another over fictional religions we alone invented

Looking for true inspiration while rejecting wornout fairytales and sighing over children’s prayers

Replacing comic certitude with lonely wailing, shoulder to shoulder, like wolves under cold stars

Praying for reason that we shall not be tricked into misplacing our precious faith once again

Probing for answers without any guidance from an infallible pope’s pompous pronouncements

Placing our belief in mysteries we lack the tools to study or the wisdom to understand

Throwing off their twisted dictums arising from frightened foolishness beaten into revered tradition

Mocking their pomp and pretense while unmasking their empty threats of silly perdition

Combing their worn-out, corny fatwas and ridiculous encyclicals for new comedy sketches

Choosing rationalism over scripture despite the dubious loss of their gilded, antique heavens

Respecting their ancient wisdom but rejecting those who use it now merely as a means to power

Condemning them to publicly self-critique their horrid jihads and crusades as they serve the poor

Chanting mindless rosary mantras to free our minds from the stale doctrines to which they bound us

Praying for reason to cast off their self-granted holy rationalization of ongoing immoral acts

Discovering that a religion must be discarded just like any no longer credible scientific theory

Not In Our Exceptionist Backyard

Let the damn fool Euros go off and smash them whatever hadrons together, anyways

Wont find the tallest skyscrapers anywhere close to this proudly neglected urban blight

Not Even building the largest dams ta produce the most hydroelectric power around here

Ain’t taking the lead in some kind of flaky asteroid investigation mission, either, dammit

Don’t be looking for no far-too-expensive high speed rail in this here one nation under god

That next-gen thorium powerplant wont get built close to our artificially green backyards

My hopey-dopey-changey neighbor’s new solar panels are from china, not sunny SoCal

The greedy innovators of our banking geniuses aren’t backing no micro-finance revolution here

Not foolish enough to tax carbon emissions and threaten our mighty, yet oh-so fragile economy

Waitin on them Asians to ship us tiny, efficient cars that meet our new economic stations

We’re flocking overseas for treatment despite our havin the Worlds Finest Healthcare System

Listen, our kids dont need to be in the global top 10 in reading, math or science ta lead the world

Lettin others innovate that expensive smart power grid before we buy into it  - from them

Energy efficiency and buildin to last is simply not part of our Traditional Family Values®

Just get all them foreign PhDs on back outta here to teach and research and do startups at home

Our agribusiness don’t need ta lead globally by example in protecting precious farming topsoil

Wont find that worlds fastest internet in my neighborhood, not by a long shot, no Siree

Not even trying to produce like more food using less water, fertilizer and pesticides

But we are energetically increasing both our illiteracy and incarceration rates at the same time

Turnin our backs on reason, science and education just as fast as any heathen ayrab foreigners

Lettin our once-good drinking water poison us even as them Bangladeshis finally get clean wells

Nudgin our offshored multitudes towards the peasant lifestyle as Asians take to our former level

Not even demonstratin the benefits of diet, exercise and clean living to the whole world

Arent leading globally in bringing solar, wind and geothermal energy online either, by god

Satisfied back in the international pack in life expectancy, nutrition and infant mortality

Caint create the better jobs they promised when they reaped huge bonuses fer outsourcing us

Spineless coalition building aint catching on with us, the proudly polarized and paralyzed

Wont find none of our giant gas-guzzlers on the jammed streets of any crowded Asian city

Aren’t giving up our global lead in obesity, diabetes and hypertension, no way, not on your life

Proud to stand up against this costly, intrusive, messy and socialistic recycling hoax

Don’t ever bet on us not spending more on arms than all the rest of them losers combined

Aren’t building the newest ships here to bring over our imported oil and electronic gizzies

Replacing manufacturing with no-benefit, poverty-level service jobs faster than them all

Focusing on important issues like flag burning, abortion, gay rights, school prayer and gun laws

Not signing on ta this sustainability scam with the wack and weak-kneed one-worlders

Relying on god and the free marketplace for solutions, not their tired, failed social planning crap

Blindfolded Republican Social Optimization

Our sacred property rights guarantee we can bulldoze no-money-down land for short-term profits

Nobody would even dare raise the immoral question of taxing our sacred religious franchises

The government cannot alter our blessed constitutional rights by banning assault weapons

Earnings go to private enterprise and pointless cleanup is simply intrusive liberal over-regulation

Christ belongs within our government – But you best keep the damn government out of our business

Abortion is a mortal sin but our 4 in 10 fatherless children can be ignored as simply God’s Will

Federal agencies can freely invade any citizen’s privacy and, yes, they may do so in utmost secrecy

Habitat and species preservation are not the responsibility of either government or business

Even if it were not a junk science hoax, climate change is far too complex and expensive to address

We do not torture but know that advanced interrogation methods saved thousands of American lives

You must believe that our bailouts prevented the collapse of the world economy into depression

Spending more on our military than all other countries combined is unquestionably beyond discussion

It is my god-given constitutional right to use an idling 5 ton SUV as my own personal air-conditioner

Regulating and taxing marijuana would surely increase hard drug use and lead to further moral decay

Expenses of clean air and water are neither the concern of business nor the province of government

Fostering profit-motivated solutions will ensure the best healthcare for our poor, sick and elderly

Free market-based pursuit of individual and corporate happiness blindly optimizes our family lives

Voluntary industry guidelines are far more effective than any heavy-handed government regulation

Though evolution is an unproven theory, survival of the fittest does apply to our free enterprise

We may blithely discount the opinions and beliefs of foreigners from our god-granted higher ground

Inviting industry leaders to create government policy behind closed doors fosters democracy

Globalization is inevitable and leads almost altruistically to different lives for everyone

Clean coal is a viable and green, thrifty and quick solution to attain our energy independence

The economic benefits of tax breaks for the richest trickle down to lift the disadvantaged below

Look, the bible plainly states that marriage is a contract, valid only between a man and a woman

We are duty-bound to increase our population to counter the growth of our potential enemies

We are a nation of laws - Laws that we may footnote with signing statements and failure to fund

Outsourced workers must take Personal Responsibility for their own retirement and healthcare needs

Companies must shed their pension obligations to remain competitive in the global marketplace

We must pay closeted CEOs millions or we will lose their immeasurable but irreplaceable talent

We feel we are getting the same engineering expertise overseas at a mere fraction of the cost

Our nonrefundable bonuses based on short term stock price clearly enhance the future of society

Voluntary recycling is a merit badge decision which remains of dubious value to any free society

Real estate developers and their salesmen work conscientiously to better all of our futures

Entrepreneurs who hire illegales do not contribute to some non-violent takeover of our land

All of our exceptionist policies are based upon the reality of our status as god’s one chosen people

What is That All-Natural Shit We’re Eating?

It’s Mechanically-Separated chicken

What’s in that cellophane really with its list of polysyllabic ingredients, 35 chemicals long?

Just look at that snack of extruded meat byproducts, blister-packed for your grab and go pleasure

Your nutritional needs as efficiently distributed as any mass produced Chinese Wal*Mart plastic

Ever more clever ways of coloring up hydrogenated oils, corn syrup and lots of good old salt

Says this pre-fab energy bar is ‘All-Natural’ – Well, so is the stuff I flush down the toilet

They pick their cage-grown ‘Atlantic’ salmon’s appetizing color off some chemical salesman’s chart

Their healthy organic produce was groped by illegales with diarrhea and unwashed hands

That juicy hamburg has been profitably extended using internals they used to simply throw away

That factory is full of salmonella, rats and roaches but they call their product peanut butter

Their chicken was raised as humanely as their corpro-exec brothers stamp out outsourced auto parts

How is it that all of that nutritionless shit crowding the many snack aisles could be so fattening?

Look at these happily grazing kids, safely shielded from holocaust-style feed lots and slaughterhouses

Why do you need sawdust fiber and Chinese vitamins if your meals are so healthy and nutritious?

Did you notice the same grimy trucks delivering institutional fodder to all your favorite restaurants?

What really makes you overstuff yourself with those too-bright, agent-orange colored Cheetos?

Ever wonder why the bread is so pusy soft that it rips when you just try to spread some fake butter?

How is it that you prefer sugar-enhanced, artificially-flavored snacks to simple fresh fruits?

What ingredients are preserving those ugly layers of fat swelling your body from head to extremity?

Probably all those pesticides just get washed off and we never eat or retain them either, right?

The mass suffering of our meat animals is invisible beneath their clear and sterile wrappers

Surely it’s rational economics that BigMacs are cheaper than green salads made at home

Un-inspected, off-shored, cost-cutting ingredients surely bring only low price benefits to consumers

What is really important to the dairy industry is more milk output per production unit at lower cost

So they feed them grain they cant digest and shoot them full of antibiotics when they sicken

What was that shit in those colorful plastic wrappers that we find carelessly strewn everywhere?

So you don’t read the nutritional information because you can’t understand it, right?

After all, they didn’t raise their prices, they just silently decreased the contents a little bit

Invisible, but rich, food conglomerate CEOs surely care more about you than say, the bankers

Its not evil to hook and fatten kids on bubbly, nutritionless, black, sugary, caffeinated water

Anyway, what could all those spots be, in that red shit they are calling turkey pepperoni?

Rest assured that cutting costs and raising profits rhymes with safe and healthy food

Don’t think about obscenely large-breasted turkeys who can barely stand, much less ever mate

Ignore pig shit, cow patties and chicken wastes and their doctored contents in your tap water

Don’t ask why they genetically engineer and patent crops to resist their own pesticides

Just listen to their warm messages about feeding the world and ignore their global price fixing

What is that funky bluish shit inside that grease-coated donut you just gobbled yet another one of?

Don’t fret over subsidizing corn syrup to fatten us all up and then having to pay for all our diabetes

So, just what is that poisoned, fatty, mass-produced shit we nervously shovel down day in & day out?

Maintaining Our Sacred Dumbocracy

Commend a contempt for any literacy

Cultivate their urge to violence

Enhance the foreign boogeymen

Promote the artificial spectacle

Distract with empty franchised sport

Bury cryptic legalese within fine print

Foster distrust of long-term planning

Dumb down their grades and tests

Play soothing background music

Show peaceful family pictures

Leave journalism to the advertisers

Stay focused on short-term costs

Control science thru political debate

Finance their spot in a fuzzy heaven

Concoct hot-button litmus tests

Pit your enemies against our families

Seed the media with paid spokesmen

Stick to short hyperbolized sound bites

Read canned speeches with great passion

Relentlessly remain on simple, concocted messages

Paint all the issues in black or white

Celebrate with colorful, noisy waste

Always portray them as His Chosen People

Pretend to own the higher moral ground

Belittle those who go in-depth

Substitute tweets for editorials

Forgo plot for special effects

Help them to be dependent on illegal labor

Reward them richly for gutting industr

Label air, water and soil as ignorable externalities

Equate blind greed with patriotism

Cite tradition but ignore real history

Anoint Social Darwinism as god’s will

Call bankers ourA Best and Brightest

Keep fast food and cold beer cheap

Promise them that their kids shall lead the world