Not In Our Exceptionist Backyard

Let the damn fool Euros go off and smash them whatever hadrons together, anyways

Wont find the tallest skyscrapers anywhere close to this proudly neglected urban blight

Not Even building the largest dams ta produce the most hydroelectric power around here

Ain’t taking the lead in some kind of flaky asteroid investigation mission, either, dammit

Don’t be looking for no far-too-expensive high speed rail in this here one nation under god

That next-gen thorium powerplant wont get built close to our artificially green backyards

My hopey-dopey-changey neighbor’s new solar panels are from china, not sunny SoCal

The greedy innovators of our banking geniuses aren’t backing no micro-finance revolution here

Not foolish enough to tax carbon emissions and threaten our mighty, yet oh-so fragile economy

Waitin on them Asians to ship us tiny, efficient cars that meet our new economic stations

We’re flocking overseas for treatment despite our havin the Worlds Finest Healthcare System

Listen, our kids dont need to be in the global top 10 in reading, math or science ta lead the world

Lettin others innovate that expensive smart power grid before we buy into it  - from them

Energy efficiency and buildin to last is simply not part of our Traditional Family Values®

Just get all them foreign PhDs on back outta here to teach and research and do startups at home

Our agribusiness don’t need ta lead globally by example in protecting precious farming topsoil

Wont find that worlds fastest internet in my neighborhood, not by a long shot, no Siree

Not even trying to produce like more food using less water, fertilizer and pesticides

But we are energetically increasing both our illiteracy and incarceration rates at the same time

Turnin our backs on reason, science and education just as fast as any heathen ayrab foreigners

Lettin our once-good drinking water poison us even as them Bangladeshis finally get clean wells

Nudgin our offshored multitudes towards the peasant lifestyle as Asians take to our former level

Not even demonstratin the benefits of diet, exercise and clean living to the whole world

Arent leading globally in bringing solar, wind and geothermal energy online either, by god

Satisfied back in the international pack in life expectancy, nutrition and infant mortality

Caint create the better jobs they promised when they reaped huge bonuses fer outsourcing us

Spineless coalition building aint catching on with us, the proudly polarized and paralyzed

Wont find none of our giant gas-guzzlers on the jammed streets of any crowded Asian city

Aren’t giving up our global lead in obesity, diabetes and hypertension, no way, not on your life

Proud to stand up against this costly, intrusive, messy and socialistic recycling hoax

Don’t ever bet on us not spending more on arms than all the rest of them losers combined

Aren’t building the newest ships here to bring over our imported oil and electronic gizzies

Replacing manufacturing with no-benefit, poverty-level service jobs faster than them all

Focusing on important issues like flag burning, abortion, gay rights, school prayer and gun laws

Not signing on ta this sustainability scam with the wack and weak-kneed one-worlders

Relying on god and the free marketplace for solutions, not their tired, failed social planning crap

Blindfolded Republican Social Optimization

Our sacred property rights guarantee we can bulldoze no-money-down land for short-term profits

Nobody would even dare raise the immoral question of taxing our sacred religious franchises

The government cannot alter our blessed constitutional rights by banning assault weapons

Earnings go to private enterprise and pointless cleanup is simply intrusive liberal over-regulation

Christ belongs within our government – But you best keep the damn government out of our business

Abortion is a mortal sin but our 4 in 10 fatherless children can be ignored as simply God’s Will

Federal agencies can freely invade any citizen’s privacy and, yes, they may do so in utmost secrecy

Habitat and species preservation are not the responsibility of either government or business

Even if it were not a junk science hoax, climate change is far too complex and expensive to address

We do not torture but know that advanced interrogation methods saved thousands of American lives

You must believe that our bailouts prevented the collapse of the world economy into depression

Spending more on our military than all other countries combined is unquestionably beyond discussion

It is my god-given constitutional right to use an idling 5 ton SUV as my own personal air-conditioner

Regulating and taxing marijuana would surely increase hard drug use and lead to further moral decay

Expenses of clean air and water are neither the concern of business nor the province of government

Fostering profit-motivated solutions will ensure the best healthcare for our poor, sick and elderly

Free market-based pursuit of individual and corporate happiness blindly optimizes our family lives

Voluntary industry guidelines are far more effective than any heavy-handed government regulation

Though evolution is an unproven theory, survival of the fittest does apply to our free enterprise

We may blithely discount the opinions and beliefs of foreigners from our god-granted higher ground

Inviting industry leaders to create government policy behind closed doors fosters democracy

Globalization is inevitable and leads almost altruistically to different lives for everyone

Clean coal is a viable and green, thrifty and quick solution to attain our energy independence

The economic benefits of tax breaks for the richest trickle down to lift the disadvantaged below

Look, the bible plainly states that marriage is a contract, valid only between a man and a woman

We are duty-bound to increase our population to counter the growth of our potential enemies

We are a nation of laws - Laws that we may footnote with signing statements and failure to fund

Outsourced workers must take Personal Responsibility for their own retirement and healthcare needs

Companies must shed their pension obligations to remain competitive in the global marketplace

We must pay closeted CEOs millions or we will lose their immeasurable but irreplaceable talent

We feel we are getting the same engineering expertise overseas at a mere fraction of the cost

Our nonrefundable bonuses based on short term stock price clearly enhance the future of society

Voluntary recycling is a merit badge decision which remains of dubious value to any free society

Real estate developers and their salesmen work conscientiously to better all of our futures

Entrepreneurs who hire illegales do not contribute to some non-violent takeover of our land

All of our exceptionist policies are based upon the reality of our status as god’s one chosen people

How Much Progress Is Sustainability Worth?

“This proposal places too much burden on working families in terms of jobs and money” – Senate Majority Leader

How much sulfur emission will it take to keep our happy little family safe and warm

Sweetheart, is that nest of songbirds really worth Daddy’s job down at the cube farm

We don’t actually need any of these butterflies to keep the kids in school, do we, dear

Won’t they still make those happy-ever-after children’s movies even if all the frogs have disappeared

Honey, it really is a choice between our family and those cuddly-looking little bunnies

You see, if they get to live then we might have to change our traditional happy family lifestyle

Nature is real nice and all but daddy’s got to make money to buy us all of this nice stuff

And, you know I would chop forests, bulldoze meadows, poison rivers and stripmine hills just for you

How many good jobs is it worth to dump sex-changing chemicals into the little stream by our house

Just ask lucky pig farm employees where their antibiotics are building stronger MRSA for us all

What do the unemployed loggers say even as their clear cuts still silt up rivers and kill the salmon

How many caribou would I wipe out to still be able to commute alone to work to keep you happy

Little darling, we’re ripping up the fields to plant fake grass to help you grow up safe and secure

Daddy’s got to run that bulldozer so Mom can buy our white bread, chips and hot dogs

Environmental preservation is one of those luxuries our family just can’t afford right now, sweetie

After all, how many steady jobs is an inedible and ugly little desert fish really worth to us at home

Yes my daughter, the roof I put over your head today may indeed add a bit of PCB to your breast milk

But, if we don’t get food on the table today, our kids wont even be here to enjoy what we preserved

So we eat this tortured beef to help bring costs in line with our ever-decreasing spending power

What’s a bit more Grand Canyon smog if it helps attain coal-fired energy independence for our kids

Right, so we should regulate commerce because some exotic mussel may unbalance the Great Lakes

So what should we give up for soil microbes some study contends are so important to agriculture

Look, we’re barely getting by and you say we need to sacrifice more just to clean up the rain

I’ll trade a years work now for your sake against your distant future, my bright-eyed son

Hey, we’re just folks trying to get by and we got to eat and drive to work. Well, don’t we?

That 5 billion lbs of poultry waste drained into the Chesapeake each year keeps chicken in our pot

In the meantime, we only know the house loan just readjusted and the kids need new school clothes

So what if my job doesn’t really yield more than just cheap, takeout environmental destruction

Its worth building shoddy, overpriced dream homes if I can make the payments on the family pickup

Baby, we’re voting for coal and oil so you can grow up and have kids of your own

What percent unemployment would we tolerate just to make the wetlands safe for frogs

How many need go hungry so a few elitists might get to see the stars and experience natural silence

Sing along with Mommie now Drill-Baby-Drill, that’s it honey, once again, Drill-Baby-Drill

Look, we can barely afford our Cell and Cable bills, much less some liberal wacko’s carbon tax

OK, so we just turn down our air-conditioners, keep the windows closed, burn coal and vegout

After all, if we cant put food on the table what’s that fairytale ecosphere worth anyways?

How Real Conservatives Sacrifice

‘Let us sacrifice our today so that our children can have a better tomorrow.’  A.P.J. Abdul Kalam

To feed divinely-mandated population growth, we seek more intensive farming on increased acreage

We must abandon this foolish carbon tax idea that threatens an ever-fragile economic recovery

Sadly, we will not even be able to debate funding the cleanup of our surface waters right now

The savings of the thrifty must be sacrificed to no-strings-attached bailouts for the moneychangers

The Pygmies and the Inuit must help pay our dues, right along with the Orangs and the Bonobos

We ask that desert species permanently accept this new hotter, drier and windier order

Microscopic ocean life forms will simply have to adapt to consuming our rain of plastic particulates

Migrating elephants must stop feeding upon the crops we now must grow on their ancient pathways

We propose massive cuts to biodiversity to be offset by large increases in human numbers

Many un-cataloged rain forest species must be replaced by new bioengineered monocrops

To meet our taste for fish we must foster their extinction by driving up their prices

Corporate farms will be forced to degrade the soils to meet the nutritional needs of good families

Consumers must accept ecologically devastating imports which don’t work, then simply break

Trees need to begin migrating to survive this absolutely unpreventable, unproven change in climate

The frogs had best be making some kind of peace with their inevitable and imminent extinction

We are drafting a plan to pack ever more of our people into sprawling unmanaged ghettos

Healthcare spending must be slashed as it threatens such truly important items as defense

We must enforce the tacit global agreement to collectively bury our heads in the sand

Please grant your old jobs to foreigners and believe that the better ones come to you tomorrow

We ask that polar bears and musk oxen take Personal Responsibility for their adaptation

Nearly all of us must accept a uniformly low living standard in the name of globalization

It is not without some regret that we unveil our new energy independence through coal initiative

During these times of real crisis, noise and light pollution are simply not on our agenda

We must secretly violate your privacy to prevent more awful attacks we cannot mention

We ask mothers to carry PCBs, metals and hormones in their milk for the sake of our progress

Our people must bravely sacrifice their children’s futures to fulfill their own implanted desires

The songbirds shall be called upon to disappear from their shredded habitats everywhere

Our rivers will have to carry the burden of our billion points of unconscious toxic runoff

The last old growth forests will be asked to provide us with a few bad, but temporary logging jobs

Sales reps of all one true gods must demand blinder faith for empty promises of eternal salvation

Bankers will be asked to endure symbolic wrist-slappings as they grasp at more unaudited handouts

Oil companies must accept record profits on a declining supply yet subvert all energy alternatives

For the sake of leaving not one child behind, we seek a general dumbing down of all of society

We petition coal extractors to patriotically hold down costs thru non-remediated strip-mining

Regrettably, as His chosen people we must pursue a cowboy exceptionist foreign policy, in His name

In this time of shared sacrifice we ask for a continued suspension of our collective common sense

We Rocked The World

We really dried them ugly toads right out and ran over the slow snakes and dull turtles

We bulldozed the non-producing meadows with their hapless bugs and useless flowers

We got baby bunnies on the run and the little fawns shake in fear from our tractors

Our monster dams create great lakes for roaring by drunkenly in our oversized speedboats

We rocked that ominous silence with the empty braying of our powerful machinery

By god, our chainsaws showed all of those old growth big trees just how tough we really are

Replied quickly, ‘who gives a fuck?!’ when they heard that butterflies was disappearing

Casually blew away the precious topsoil thousands of times faster than it had ever been created

Asked just what the heck was it that any freaking polar bear had ever done for us, anyhew

Always pushed extra diesel smoke through our loud mufflers at them squishy vegan cyclists

Exploited the seas with the same brutal efficiency we had trained upon our cows and pigs

Pushed aside the microscopic ocean life forms with a rain of toxic plastic particulates

Realized that ending that liberal global warming scam would pretty much save the earth

Knocked out them lakes and forests with the acid rain from our mighty coal generators

Wiped out worthless desert fish, tiny mice and silly owls that nobody actually cared about

Combined our noisy and drunken recreation with energy-guzzling environmental destruction

Showed our superiority by increasing our population even as we mass-extinguished other species

Fought against climate change by adjusting our thermostats to suit our imported gym shorts

Disdainfully threw out valuable recyclables in brave, libertarian defense of our personal freedom

Said our god granted only us eternal souls, dominion over the earth and a duty to be fruitful

Viewed greedy, unsustainable, eco-devastating development as patriotic economic progress

Went beyond earthly destruction to the massive murder of warfare at every single opportunity

Laughed cynically about their bleeding heart concern over a few miserable little songbirds

Smashed the ancient mountain tops down into their valleys, gouged out the coal and then left

Harshly mocked their profitless recycling, raw veggie diets and misguided environmentalism

Slaughtered the albatross and dolphin as blind collateral damage in our ocean wide strip-mining

Manufactured our food with all of the care the asians used in mass producing plastic imports

Deftly fragmented habitat and cut off migration routes without so much as even trying…or noticing

Adopted as beloved corpro-sports symbols the revered creatures we had exterminated centuries ago

Did not notice the bees disappearance before we had even learned of their importance

Replied disinterestedly: ‘Huh’ when told that millions of trees were dying all across the West

Asked what was wrong with these people who were all so worked up about them stupid frogs and shit

So what if we filled some stupid seals milk with PCBs and messed up a few lame fish with hormones?

Remained blissfully unaware as invasive plant species spread and wrecked entire ecosystems

Made damn sure our priorities were the family, our economy and a strong national defense

Slept securely, having bargained our fictional souls for the imaginary heaven of our own one true god

Both Sides Just Say NO!

        “If he (Obama) was for it, we had to be against it” – Ohio senator George Voinovich
Digging in their heels on another issue to break the arch political enemy, once and for all

Pushing back so hard there’s no time to come up with any real initiatives of their own

Keeping heads down and eyes closed the whole time they’re shaking them and repeating NO!

Winning great victories that result only in the continuation of a bitter partisan stalemate

Stalling for more study using highly-charged, pseudo-scientific, marketing catchphrases

Trotting out the trusted homily of ‘too expensive in jobs and money’ at every opportunity

Keeping every party member voting NO! as a block is their noble plan to save this great land

They educate the electorate with corporate donors, costly lobbyists and slick media heads

Stirring a few outright lies into cleverly mixed sound bites keeps our patriotic fervor fresh

Getting sloganeers to galvanize the lower class again, to reclaim their privileged advantage

Leveraging the common ignorance, greed and sloth to regain power via faux-folksy pandering

Encouraging polarization to help ensure the ongoing paralysis that fosters our undevelopment

Actively promoting inaction by embedding poison pills in all new legislation from the other side

Saving the people time and again by acting out like some constipating intestinal blockage

Encouraging that noisy hatred and distrust instead of quietly-reasoned debate and compromise

Disguising their donor’s agenda with simple, slick, loudly-repeated and expensive propaganda

Hailing the mere blocking of legislation as a triumph of democracy for Traditional Family Values©

Relying on tired parliamentary maneuvers to slow, stall and then kill any and all real action

Nurturing divisive partisan political paralysis in a suicidal scorched earth campaign

Stoutly refusing to raise taxes while bravely halting any attempts to cut costs or benefits

Merely impeding the opposition, we advertise having done our noble duty quite well

Gleefully declaring yet another initiative dead, we add to the list of our accomplishments

We smirk and pose like great white hunters standing atop yet another legislative corpse

Demanding action and shouting out blame even while stubbornly refusing to help craft solutions

Partnering with clever pundits paid for by our corporate sponsors to glorify our stagnation

Making just saying NO! look like we took some real action, as if with torches and pitchforks

Demonizing the opposition to such a degree that any co-operation would be deemed traitorous

Blindly banding together to stall for victory via the patriotic act of yet another filibuster

Determined that all hopey-changey-squishy fairytales shall be crushed beneath our dragging feet

Blocking each initiative and then trumpeting that the opposition has done nothing at all

After digging in our heels and stalling for time, we shall then demand further research

With paid media and corporate support, we inflame the belligerent and ignorant masses

Declaring our righteous anger we whip up a warlike frenzy to ensure that nothing happens

We sync with donors to deface, demean and delay and trumpet the enemy’s ineffectiveness

We’ll rant of awful problems but stifle any action and then sorely bemoan our nation’s situation

We’ll just say NO! in a chorus and then shout out that the people demand a change