Holistic Conservative Economic Initiatives

Forgotten quick-fixes from that Great Recession

If we can just get the banks to start lending again surely everything will bounce right back

With a few less job losses our futures will all seem just as dazzlingly bright as they always used to

When the stock market gets turned around, everything will be just peachy once again

We’ll get the housing sector moving and then we’ll be back once more on our merry way

When we unfreeze the credit markets that oh-so vital consumer spending will rebound

If we can just keep mortgage rates down good old real estate can regain its momentum

We’ll see upticks in the RV, ATV, snowmobile and boat industries when confidence returns

Families can drive to Disneyland in new Cash For Clunkers cars while paying record low gas prices

We’ve got to hold the line on utility costs so homes can be kept at 65º all summer long

Subsidizing without any strings attached the institutions we deem too big to fail should get us moving

If we can just reduce lender uncertainty over possible regulations, credit will flow freely again

We can get back to mid-morning lattes and eating out 3 times a week under such bold initiatives

Stopping well shy of any real reform will help keep the sainted investment banks afloat

We cannot threaten a fragile recovery with the ominous shadow of intrusive government regulation

Printing scads of new money should jumpstart our sacred and all-important economy, once again

If we can just get retail sales moving our cycle of consumer borrowing on Asian imports can resume

If we can just get the economy back on track, we may even be able to take up some other issues

Granting federal money at 0% interest will surely convince the big banks to lend once again

We’ll also go ahead and guarantee the loans they make with the money that we give them

Right now we just need to remain totally fixed upon increasing GDP for this current quarter

Retaining focus on core economic issues must remain our single most important priority

If we can just boost consumer confidence they’ll save us by charging more imported big-screens

We’d like to see the tweenie mall spending rate start bumping upwards once again

Jittery markets just might stabilize with massive infusions of new cash, so we’ll try it

After all the bailout have been distributed, we might even discuss gaining control of the deficit

With a little more time, surely the free market will develop a profitable healthcare solution

If we can just remove their debt, dealer and pension obligations, car builders will flourish

Postponing expensive emissions actions for just a little while will give us some breathing room

We simply need to calmly stroke those jittery markets with gentle and reassuring financial voices

Those flighty hairdressers and decorators who control stock prices just hate all this uncertainty

Providing the merest bit of economic light should quash this unproductive consumer saving trend

If we can just get back to spending more than we earn, surely we can go on living happily ever after

Please Help The Bankers

‘To date, no executives have faced prosecution for the widespread mortgage fraud that fueled the bubble’ - billmoyers.com

We’ve got to help the bankers for they’ve always been here for us during our times of need

Stood right there fighting by our sides with us, whenever the financial seas got rough

Weren’t afraid to go to bat for us even if it meant going out on a limb in terms of their own risk

Had our best interests right next to their hearts as they wisely greased the economic skids

Helped ensure sure we stayed on track with the savings we needed for our retirement

Looked beyond their personal gain to the good of our families and our blessed land

Did not scan us merely for short-term profit potential but rather helped us as neighbors and friends

Most probably they often let deals go untaken if they did not help further community interests

Greeted us by name when we walked in and kept our home loans safely guarded, right here in town

Lived just like the other honest folks and had the same dreams as us normal families

They surely did not let computer models back at corporate HQ make their lending decisions

Now it’s our turn to help them out a bit so together we can all get back on track again

Weren’t blinded by greed for the outlandish bonuses given for ruining all of our futures

Didn’t wrap No-Income, No-Job, No-Asset loans in fake TripleA tranches to sell to insurance trusts

Wouldn’t pay clueless 20 something, so-called, financial engineers millions for CDO con schemes

Never avoided all regulation by saying it stifled their creative innovation in free financial markets

Never crowned themselves as the best and the brightest, too-big-to-fail, masters of the universe

They certainly wouldn’t use gov’t bailout money for mergers while foreclosing upon their friends

Come on everybody let’s pull together: Banks are the circulation system of a healthy economy

Anyway, we all have some problems every now and then, so please, no finger-pointing

Neighbors at your local bank actually aren’t simply puppets of greedy New York financiers

They didn’t give themselves billions in bonuses for gambling on dicey hedges and derivatives

Wouldn’t help themselves to bailout money bonuses while tightening up on your loan standards

We must help them or, as they say, it will get so much worse than you could ever imagine

Weren’t so foolish as to leverage all of us into bankruptcy based on a voodoo finance risk model

But you really can’t blame them for taking some advantage of artificially low interest rates

After all, their own loans didn’t ratchet up out of sight even before the ink was printed on the paper

Oh, no, it wasn’t them that hid old car debt in new and already underwater auto leases

They never masked home equity loans covering credit card debt as profitable re-financing plays

It wasn’t them who drove the market for penthouses and luxury goods sky high with their bonuses

They didn’t immediately dump un-scrutinized loans for a fat profit and then totally disown them

They would never have made billions hedging heavily on the failure of their very own investment funds

Our town bankers wouldn’t grant loans without credit checks and income verification

Their CEOs didn’t hide trillions in unregulated CDOs and under-audited derivatives

They didn’t collectively freeze up in fear that their peers’ secret assets were also worthless

We must help the bankers now because it’s certainly obvious that they would do the same for us

Certainly Mankind Is No Cancer

And there is a market-based solution for every ill…

Filthy, unplanned, sprawling slums girdling the worlds cities surely pose no global threat

This purported mass extinction does not implicate humanity in a bogus global holocaust

Those who view man as a plague upon their neutered New Age paradise deserve our scorn

Our growing population certainly does not threaten some storybook eco-loco balance

Aliens would not view the flowering of humanity as a swarming of maggots upon the earth

Our rightful ascendancy is wrongly seen by the green zombies as destructive and temporary

We are properly concerned first and primarily with the economies which feed our good families

War is not some outdated, insane societal flaw but an ethical, moral and genetic imperative

Man is no cancer spreading to threaten fairytale, otherwise healthy and stable ecosystems

Our progress is not intimately bound to the degradation of air, water, soil and biodiversity

Look, capitalism simply mirrors nature’s unassailable law of survival of the fittest

Socialist planning is not the answer to the overblown problems invented by the squishes

Our corporate fishing fleets certainly do not constitute some vast strip-mining of the seas

Worldwide rain forest timber harvests simply are not as destructive as a vocal minority claims

Spreading deserts and melting ice are natural phenomena to which we can adapt, if necessaery

Adding artificial taxes on emissions quickly taints the purity of the sublime free market system

Damming and channelizing rivers for water, flood control and power are not at all acts of evil

Blowing soil erosion along with heavy doses of fertilizers, pesticides and fossil water is not sinful

Our triumphantly-righteous spread is falsely viewed by whimpering vegans as totally unsustainable

Their twisted world view labels nearly all of our progress as some kind of malignant metastization

They would have our families crouch in cold darkness chewing on rotten organic vegetables

Our economic growth cannot reasonably be described as a blind and greedy self-destruction

Unlike microbes on Agar plates, human numbers are not governed by kings or natural resources

Their Chicken Little fables of earthly collapse are tactics to stifle our sincere efforts at progress

Providing honest clean coal energy at low prices to consumers is no crime against humanity

Eco scare tactics are mostly used to preserve their elite viewsheds and keep out the working class

Our civilization is certainly no scabby pox upon some illusory pristine and perfect earth

For the love of god, we must actually quicken development to feed our growing numbers

Human society is not some temporary destructive aberration which must soon disappear

Our survival is not intimately linked to that of the lower microbes, plants or even animals

We most certainly are not selfishly dumping problems beyond our abilities upon future generations

It is immoral to label the, likely only temporary, side effects of our progress as wanton devastation

Hey, we could all still be hunter-gatherers shivering in caves with barely fire and dogs on our sides

Our tools, society and unique souls have separated us from the beasts and there is no going back

The future generations they say we are abandoning will revere our works with awestruck wonder

So-called habitat destruction is actually the flowering of the culture ordained by our one true god