The Vegan Outlaw’s Tale

I’m a skinny vegan outlaw trained on green salads who got whupped by angry steroid shooters

Attacked with only my meditative silence and was drowned out by the social media buzz

Found that all my careful recycling had been so jimmied up that it just made stuff cost more

Asked could they just please enforce the laws as I stood quietly outside of their closed doors

I set them factory chickens free but they was too modified to fly and too heavy to walk away

Tore the Cheetos right from them fat little kids orange fingers and they commenced to swearin

Tried to give em broccoli and carrots but they stoned me with em like some Taliban adulteress

Smoked that organic weed a quarter puff at a time and lost all my focus on our nation’s enemies

Jacked up my Hybrid, painted it camouflage and played an mp3 of a diesel pickup truck real loud

Stayed right on the edge of the road even though they threatened my bike with their big SUVs

Defiantly sought food with less salt, sugar and fat, though I wondered why it cost so much more

Spoke right up about feedlots and slaughterhouses but only drew a volley of sardonic laughter

Took to savin water on my lawn until the home owners association threatened me with foreclosure

Conservatives wrote me off to the lunatic fringe for dissing unregulated factory fishing fleets

Was arrested for Duty Interference when I told two fat cops that donuts led to diabetes

Actually refused free beer if it was that hyped factory sewage pimped by the NFL and NASCAR

Stopped my angry macho posturing as that tofu shrank my muscles and softened my brain

Even cast away my suits and ties, deodorants, shower gels, teeth whiteners and body lotions

No All-Natural chicken fingers or dyed and processed, artificially-smoked meat byproduct logs for me

Couldnt drink anything but a little red wine once them one-worlders was done re-educatin me

Grew blind and deaf to grave terrorist threats due to my narrow focus on local sustainability

Offered the obese some fresh fruit but they just threw it down beside their empty soda cans

People-to-people outreach punctured the hot-air boogeymen hydra they floated all around us

Ate the snow that landed on my tongue even though TV said it was loaded with modern toxins

Was smirkingly-ignored for condemning landfills full of fast food castoffs, aluminum and glass

Branded Soft On Defense for noting that we spend more than all the other countries combined

Turned off my TV but kept on paying for cable, left my cellphone at home for $100 a month

Reared back on my hind legs and even refused to memorize sports stats and catchy ad slogans

They briefly observed my quiet contemplation and knowingly pronounced it boring and stupid

Dreamed of beating their lame, noisy, smoking ATVs and snowmachines into tiny electric cars

Sure, I stopped taking them sawdust fiber supplements and adulterated Chinese multivitamins

Crazily mouthed off right in public that if the animals dont have no souls, then neither do we

Recklessly wanted to gamble all of our futures on clean energy and sustainable agriculture

Got so far out as to even begin to ask why illegal workers got arrested but not their bosses

Reneged on my patriotic duty to charge ever more useless shit I did not need and could not afford

Passively rejected the whole wack scenario by flouting their One True God’s edict to multiply

Not In Our Exceptionist Backyard

Let the damn fool Euros go off and smash them whatever hadrons together, anyways

Wont find the tallest skyscrapers anywhere close to this proudly neglected urban blight

Not Even building the largest dams ta produce the most hydroelectric power around here

Ain’t taking the lead in some kind of flaky asteroid investigation mission, either, dammit

Don’t be looking for no far-too-expensive high speed rail in this here one nation under god

That next-gen thorium powerplant wont get built close to our artificially green backyards

My hopey-dopey-changey neighbor’s new solar panels are from china, not sunny SoCal

The greedy innovators of our banking geniuses aren’t backing no micro-finance revolution here

Not foolish enough to tax carbon emissions and threaten our mighty, yet oh-so fragile economy

Waitin on them Asians to ship us tiny, efficient cars that meet our new economic stations

We’re flocking overseas for treatment despite our havin the Worlds Finest Healthcare System

Listen, our kids dont need to be in the global top 10 in reading, math or science ta lead the world

Lettin others innovate that expensive smart power grid before we buy into it  - from them

Energy efficiency and buildin to last is simply not part of our Traditional Family Values®

Just get all them foreign PhDs on back outta here to teach and research and do startups at home

Our agribusiness don’t need ta lead globally by example in protecting precious farming topsoil

Wont find that worlds fastest internet in my neighborhood, not by a long shot, no Siree

Not even trying to produce like more food using less water, fertilizer and pesticides

But we are energetically increasing both our illiteracy and incarceration rates at the same time

Turnin our backs on reason, science and education just as fast as any heathen ayrab foreigners

Lettin our once-good drinking water poison us even as them Bangladeshis finally get clean wells

Nudgin our offshored multitudes towards the peasant lifestyle as Asians take to our former level

Not even demonstratin the benefits of diet, exercise and clean living to the whole world

Arent leading globally in bringing solar, wind and geothermal energy online either, by god

Satisfied back in the international pack in life expectancy, nutrition and infant mortality

Caint create the better jobs they promised when they reaped huge bonuses fer outsourcing us

Spineless coalition building aint catching on with us, the proudly polarized and paralyzed

Wont find none of our giant gas-guzzlers on the jammed streets of any crowded Asian city

Aren’t giving up our global lead in obesity, diabetes and hypertension, no way, not on your life

Proud to stand up against this costly, intrusive, messy and socialistic recycling hoax

Don’t ever bet on us not spending more on arms than all the rest of them losers combined

Aren’t building the newest ships here to bring over our imported oil and electronic gizzies

Replacing manufacturing with no-benefit, poverty-level service jobs faster than them all

Focusing on important issues like flag burning, abortion, gay rights, school prayer and gun laws

Not signing on ta this sustainability scam with the wack and weak-kneed one-worlders

Relying on god and the free marketplace for solutions, not their tired, failed social planning crap

Maintaining Our Sacred Dumbocracy

Commend a contempt for any literacy

Cultivate their urge to violence

Enhance the foreign boogeymen

Promote the artificial spectacle

Distract with empty franchised sport

Bury cryptic legalese within fine print

Foster distrust of long-term planning

Dumb down their grades and tests

Play soothing background music

Show peaceful family pictures

Leave journalism to the advertisers

Stay focused on short-term costs

Control science thru political debate

Finance their spot in a fuzzy heaven

Concoct hot-button litmus tests

Pit your enemies against our families

Seed the media with paid spokesmen

Stick to short hyperbolized sound bites

Read canned speeches with great passion

Relentlessly remain on simple, concocted messages

Paint all the issues in black or white

Celebrate with colorful, noisy waste

Always portray them as His Chosen People

Pretend to own the higher moral ground

Belittle those who go in-depth

Substitute tweets for editorials

Forgo plot for special effects

Help them to be dependent on illegal labor

Reward them richly for gutting industr

Label air, water and soil as ignorable externalities

Equate blind greed with patriotism

Cite tradition but ignore real history

Anoint Social Darwinism as god’s will

Call bankers ourA Best and Brightest

Keep fast food and cold beer cheap

Promise them that their kids shall lead the world

It Ain’t My Libtard Place

How you choose to burn the fuel you’ve by God paid for ain’t no freekin concern of mine

It ain’t none of my business how much noise your gas-powered toys jam down everbody’s ears

I shouldn’t mention that your emissions foul the air for myself and all of our descendants

I just need to shut the fuck up about your so-called recreation destroying our precious national lands

It ain’t my place to say you don’t need a shoddy but retail-outlet-sized house for 4 people

Who am I to tell you to help curb overpopulation by limiting your precious children?

How dare I suggest our traditional values to be merely some recently ginned-up political advertising?

On which socialist authority do I demand that you lose a few pounds of your pseudo-muscular fat?

I shouldn’t say that we don’t have a god-given right to cheap goods made by asian slave labor

By whose socialist decree do I try and make you go out and do some boring and stupid exercise?

It takes me a lot of gall to say your kids should learn grammar and spelling before they start texting

How dare I put the ecosystems that support us all in front of your good jobs and family welfare?

It ain’t my business if you choose to use your idling truck for an overweight personal air-conditioner

By what right do I ask you to turn down the music after you paid to get into this here campground?

it takes me a lotta cowardly nerve to say that we need to drastically reduce military spending

It’s way elitist of me to contend that you’ll only ever fight global warming with your thermostats

It ain’t my place to criticize a bailout for your over-leveraged, underwater home loan

Who gave me the authority to demand that you drive some skinny vegan electric car?

Why should I think you should take interest in world events instead of watching NFL and NASCAR?

I got no right to make you give up double meat bacon cheeseburgers or yer 40 oz, Mountain Dew

It ain’t my business that you drive alone to the cube farm in an SUV built for 8 obese adults

How dare I to mutter yer one true god don’t bless America and we really ain’t his one chosen people?

It ain’t any of my concern that Ponzi finance traders make 19000 times more than average folks

Why should I actually care if the future is over-populated, strip-mined, poisoned and always at war?

It ain’t my job to preach that we used up the resources needed to pay the debts we leave behind

Who am I to judge our closeted corporate leaders who may well be full of eternal wisdom?

Why would I think farmers know better than bonus-driven BigAg execs about sustainable methods?

What gives me the right to reset economic priorities based on junk science and fuzzy math scams?

I can’t arrest you for dropping your food wrappers and smoky butts wherever you see fit

It ain’t up to me to get all in up in your face about your comically-wornout, fairytale religions

Nobody appointed me to tell you that you waste all our resources just wasting your precious time

How can I even dare to suggest that them krauts and frenchies might possibly even have a clue?

Who told me I could pester you with this socialist nonsense of climate change and mass extinctions?

It ain’t my place to bore you with trivial details when there’s something good on the big screen

What the hell was I thinking anyway, trying to tell you what’s right and wrong for you to eat?

No need to listen when I say either all of god’s life forms have a soul or none of us actually can

A Fable Of Vanishing Breeds

The snowmobiles are disappearin right along with the fluffy white stuff they was ridin on

Them ATVs ain’t near so snarly when daddy ain’t got no job to pay to have them play

Giant SUVs are fading away, unable to compete, just like the them brontosauri

Less drunken numbnuts on financed jetskis are showing up down to the ER ever summer

Spoiled tweenies scattering daddy’s money at the malls are hardly even seen these days

Only a few hardy climate change skeptics still fight on, armed only with their thermostats

Just the rarest free market healthcare blathering is still heard outside of libertarian radio

Fat, damn, pushy, multi-minority women managers are fading away, right along with our prosperity

Shiny, porky, spin doctors on pain meds may finally lose their grip upon our consciousness

But them failed and wornout liberal socialist policies of the past are forgotten just as well

Cosmetically-enhanced parasitic real estate agents in shiny new cars are disappearing

Greasy lying car salesmen are drying up standing around outside closed down dealerships

Itchy apartment cowboys have gunned way-loud, ugly pickups off into a last bleary sunset

Dumbass Harleys are finally going blissfully silent with their loans so far underwater

Even effete luxury yacht owners are scuttling their crafts due to these awful economics

Changing times are sadly grounding more and more useless, un-muffled, toy private planes

Some are even questioning the wisdom of paying $2-300 a month just for a phone

Petcare specialists are suffering along with life coaches, beauticians and pedicurists

We witness proudly-ignorant construction workers being excreted from the middle class

No longer do we hear of expensive solutions to the unsubstantiated issue of CO2 emissions

Cockamamie government funding of the arts and the children of the poor are disappearing

Half-baked notions of some green world have been dampened by the real needs of our economy

Sucking-up middle managers are morphing into overly-chatty but useless home store clerks

Bold credit card debtors try futilely to become balance-free deadbeats with no lender appeal

Our Best and Brightest who actually weren’t, look to start over at trading carbon offsets

Chinese peasant factory workers no longer enjoy 14 hour workdays and sadly return home

The mega-churches are scaling back on expansion plans and reviewing their portfolios

Ill-conceived and grandiose climate change mitigation plans have quietly been shelved

Socialist sustainability fantasies have rightly given way to cutting red tape to save family jobs

Newspapers are being recycled into alternate-fact blogs and corporate entertainment

Poor illegal aliens will shortly attain a majority and have bloodlessly taken all of our places

We have deemed institutions that have already failed us as too big for us to permit to fail

Secretaries are no longer buying rental units or doing quick fix-ups for fast-profit flipping

Far right wingers are finding abortion much more palatable for our Non-Aryan intruders

Squishy, vegan tree-huggers are finally seeing over-hyped organic foods as way overpriced

Looks like even gods chosen people have earned a place on the short list of vanishing breeds

We’re Living Funny Lies

Being coptered to my safe compound, I actually believe I’m worth my millions in salary and bonuses

We assure our Offshored they need only wait for the better new jobs coming Real Soon Now

Driving my hybrid 90 miles a day feeling like, you know what, I’m really making a difference here

We fill cute green cotton bags with water-wasting, slave-produced food shipped thousands of miles

Violently rejecting taxation while remaining purposely silent on reducing costs or cutting benefits

Fleecing the faithful for money, power and sex, as sales reps for wornout and fictional gods

Pushing FeelGood sustainable solutions but never mentioning necessary drastic population reductions

Glorifying the infallibility of unregulated markets while whining for subsidies and import tariffs

Assiduously recycling all my paper for shipment to china, merely to package more plastic imports

Demanding a faith-based administration but shouting that the same government stay out of our lives

Hypnotizing the lower class with clever hate speech while on the payroll of the corporate elite

Knowing our God is love as we heed His jealous demand that we smite His heathen enemies

Plastisizing my car with earth-friendly slogans made in toxic sweatshops by exploited illegales

Feeding the world with a patented seed, genetically modified to require our costly pesticides

Abandoning old suburbs for that newly-bulldozed but carbon-neutral and greener tomorrow

Hard-selling funds we purposely stuffed with crap, even as we ourselves hedge big against them

Calling for an end to greedy development threatening the gorgeous viewshed from my own new home

Gouging the bourgeois with pricey lifestyle drugs as we ignore the global disease scourges of the poor

Hanging a cute puppy calendar right by the table where I lay out our tasty but tortured family veal

Deliberately warping all their proposed legislation while damning the deceptions of the other side

Howling for freedom from government even as we condemn its lack of quick emergency response

Rebranding an unchanged, business as usual as some new, patriotic clean-coal energy independence

Paying huge premiums for USDA organics uninspectedly coming from, of all places, china

Posing as independent cowboy heroes, trampling predator-freed public lands with our welfare cattle

Posturing obesely in a loud and ugly pickup that I certainly don’t need and really can’t afford

Trumpeting the virtues of a foot-dragging negativism to whip up an ignorant anger in the alt-right

Holding guilt-free to the decision made with my personal savior to smite religious fundamentalism

Praising our sacred Human Resources even as we plot to outsource them and renege on their pensions

Ever proclaiming our holocaust suffering while we wall the Palestinians into a hot, desert ghetto

Parroting your donor propaganda to reframe science into an empty and politicized media debate

Subsidizing Wall Street Cons to pimp phony carbon offsets and Ponzi cap and trade scams

Demanding soil conservation as I endlessly fertilize, pesticide, cut and water my fakely-green lawn

Rapping out that yes-yes, we can-can change: and backdoor dealing just like we always have-have

Grazing swinishly at the rich troth of absolutely unquestionable and ever-increasing arms outlays

Nurturing a fat, ignorant pride on Doritos, Twinkies, beer, generic cigarettes and cheap hamburg

Living the lie that it’ll all somehow make sense in the end, during some, real fuzzy, happy-ever-after

Turns Out

Turns out there really were some reasons why we needed them silly bugs and birds and frogs

Now we see we should have been a little bit more careful with our once rich farming soils

It’s hard to believe that overfishing a few species brought on such a broad collapse

Who could have ever imagined that we weren’t actually our only one true god’s chosen people?

Guess we really should have paid just a little bit more attention to our crashing literacy rate

Turns out it was foolish to always spend so much building costly weapons and ginning up wars

Unexpectedly, it’s revealed that mergers and acquisitions were only for creating lavish bonuses

Despite everyone’s firm beliefs, that fabulous real estate bubble burst, just like all the others

Whoever would’ve thought the free market wouldn’t provide affordable universal healthcare?

Somehow we never noticed at all as we so rapidly tainted our vast stores of clean, fresh water

Turns out that our sheer numbers created problems too expensive and complex for us to fix

Wow, so those constantly rising temperatures really did mean something, in the end

Didn’t realize that sterile, bio-engineered moncrops would all succumb at once to identical pests

So surprised that filling the oceans with plastic particulates would collapse the marine food chain

Struck dumb by finally noticing that, when all the oil was gone, we hadn’t sought real alternatives

Turns out the bankers got it all so very wrong, even without burdensome government regulation

Turns out we shouldn’t have rolled empty credit card debt into our homes as often as possible

Why look at this, it really was stupid to pay $200/mo for phones and $150/mo for cable

Huh, so, snowmobiling, jetskiing and OHVing are actually destructive and not just family recreation?

Well, goddamn, those outsourced jobs don’t actually make way for the new and better ones for us

Maybe letting the greedy, vain and sociopathic be self-appointed Masters of the universe was wrong

Turns out that conglomerates could find it legal and moral to profitably adulterate their products

We never dreamed they’d lay us off forever at 50, in debt, with no savings, pensions or insurance

Cutting costs by blindly trusting outsourced, foreign ingredients wound up poisoning customers

Looks like giant, shoddily-built, energy-wasting McMansions might not be the way going forward

Stunningly, doctors and Pharma realized they made much more money on treatment than prevention

Turns out stalling safety regulations for more research always saved firms money in the short run

Later on, their own bloated estimates indisputably proved the problems were far too expensive to fix

Come to find out all our thousand tiny household sources did add up to a major pollution issue

How surprised we were to learn that double meat bacon cheeseburgers were not actually healthy

It seems silly that dutiful paper recycling was sent all the way to china just to wrap up more imports

Turns out the big banks were actually blackmailing the market with demands for a no-strings bailout

Turns out their imaginary only one true god was on their side just as much as our own was with us

Nobody guessed our kid’s future would not be brighter than our own was, once we were done here

Oddly, the all-important economy collapsed once it destroyed the very ecosystems that supported it

Turns out not even a trace of our messy presence remained after the passing of but one geologic era

Building Merica’s Thousand Year Reich

And thusly, would it remain forever, Morning In Merica

Believed that “change is the way of all things” is a justification for endless greedy takings

Demeaned science as fuzzy yet maintained a crystal clear vision of His paradise, awaiting us

Never took the time to make sense of things yet still wondered why the old were all so confused

Preached that market competition would efficiently & automatically solve any and all social ills

Spoke of our values and traditions as we tossed aside more valuable recyclables each and every day

Went forth multiplying blindly, blissfully righteous, given the blessings of our very own one true god

Wisely kept government out of the so-called business of habitat and species preservation

Built strong children in front of TV on factory white bread and cheap, tortured byproduct burgers

Quietly nurtured a proud illiteracy to enable our puppet leaders to simplify choices and explanations

Sold defense, banking, insurance, oil, agriculture and healthcare oligopolies our unhindered access

Made damn sure our progress wasn’t stalled by wastefully expensive environmental non-issues

Looked forward to a 1000 Year Reich powered only by ever-increasing consumer credit spending

Erected Import temple malls using illegales working with the cheapest materials available

Spent more per year than all other countries combined on defense to hold off their bogeymen

Doggedly recognized the evils of that tired socialism as it continually raised its ugly, wornout head

Mouthed ‘You can’t stop progress’ as the ultimate rationale for all our smash and grab profit

Impersonally advanced society via outsourcing engineering, production and support overseas

Gifted our sage leaders huge non-refundable bonuses based on the quarterly stock numbers

Institutionalized calls for more study as a method for defeating all forms of junk regulatory proposals

Ended each and every speech with the unashamed exceptionist demand that God Bless America

Used ‘too costly in jobs and money’ as a durable defense against any and all intrusive regulation

Entrusted our future to greed-blinded, furtive corporate leaders and their camera-hungry politicians

Called for Personal Responsibility while callously shedding pensions, debts and workers

Subsidized an unarmed takeover by illegal Hispanics as we fought a faraway war on terror

Replaced long-term planning with stall tactics until issues could be deemed too expensive to address

Hallucinated a healthy long-term economy powered only by financial services and retail sales

Denied our total reliance upon a healthy environment using the phony shibboleth of jobs and families

Piled debts upon the future even as we furiously wasted the resources they would need to pay them

Named as our Best and Brightest the vain who created quasi-mathematical financial Ponzi schemes

Ruled that externalities like water and air were not problems for either business or government

Left our soils, crops and animals to the ever monthly cost and stock price watchful evil eye of BigAg

Declared that the future would take care of itself if only left free of burdensome gov’t regulations

Divorced ourselves from natural cycles in favor of mass immersion in co-opted, vapid media trends

Infused our loud and willful ignorance with self-granted righteousness and unwarranted macho pride

Increasingly relied on overseas sources for vitals such as technology, food, drugs and consumer goods

Sarcastically belittled the stupid freaking foreigners from our exalted position as Gods chosen people

How Real Conservatives Sacrifice

‘Let us sacrifice our today so that our children can have a better tomorrow.’  A.P.J. Abdul Kalam

To feed divinely-mandated population growth, we seek more intensive farming on increased acreage

We must abandon this foolish carbon tax idea that threatens an ever-fragile economic recovery

Sadly, we will not even be able to debate funding the cleanup of our surface waters right now

The savings of the thrifty must be sacrificed to no-strings-attached bailouts for the moneychangers

The Pygmies and the Inuit must help pay our dues, right along with the Orangs and the Bonobos

We ask that desert species permanently accept this new hotter, drier and windier order

Microscopic ocean life forms will simply have to adapt to consuming our rain of plastic particulates

Migrating elephants must stop feeding upon the crops we now must grow on their ancient pathways

We propose massive cuts to biodiversity to be offset by large increases in human numbers

Many un-cataloged rain forest species must be replaced by new bioengineered monocrops

To meet our taste for fish we must foster their extinction by driving up their prices

Corporate farms will be forced to degrade the soils to meet the nutritional needs of good families

Consumers must accept ecologically devastating imports which don’t work, then simply break

Trees need to begin migrating to survive this absolutely unpreventable, unproven change in climate

The frogs had best be making some kind of peace with their inevitable and imminent extinction

We are drafting a plan to pack ever more of our people into sprawling unmanaged ghettos

Healthcare spending must be slashed as it threatens such truly important items as defense

We must enforce the tacit global agreement to collectively bury our heads in the sand

Please grant your old jobs to foreigners and believe that the better ones come to you tomorrow

We ask that polar bears and musk oxen take Personal Responsibility for their adaptation

Nearly all of us must accept a uniformly low living standard in the name of globalization

It is not without some regret that we unveil our new energy independence through coal initiative

During these times of real crisis, noise and light pollution are simply not on our agenda

We must secretly violate your privacy to prevent more awful attacks we cannot mention

We ask mothers to carry PCBs, metals and hormones in their milk for the sake of our progress

Our people must bravely sacrifice their children’s futures to fulfill their own implanted desires

The songbirds shall be called upon to disappear from their shredded habitats everywhere

Our rivers will have to carry the burden of our billion points of unconscious toxic runoff

The last old growth forests will be asked to provide us with a few bad, but temporary logging jobs

Sales reps of all one true gods must demand blinder faith for empty promises of eternal salvation

Bankers will be asked to endure symbolic wrist-slappings as they grasp at more unaudited handouts

Oil companies must accept record profits on a declining supply yet subvert all energy alternatives

For the sake of leaving not one child behind, we seek a general dumbing down of all of society

We petition coal extractors to patriotically hold down costs thru non-remediated strip-mining

Regrettably, as His chosen people we must pursue a cowboy exceptionist foreign policy, in His name

In this time of shared sacrifice we ask for a continued suspension of our collective common sense

It's All Good Bro

The former Precious Phildren

Arrived late and unaware of what I should have already done

Smashed up somebody’s car without any money or insurance

Lost the paperwork for that other real important application

It’s all good

Shrunk the girlfriend’s favorite sweater small enough to fit a doll

Drove the car with squeaking brakes until they could not be fixed

Dropped beer cans, butts and wrappers all over and then we drove away

It’s all good

Moved to another rental, left a mess and didn’t pay the utilities

Stayed up ‘til 4 with music blaring, through the neighbor’s windows

Plastered my beater with plastic decals, broke down, then walked away

It’s all good

Lived on fast food and froot-loops and forgot to take out the trash

Financed my life on credit cards and invested in gaming equipment

Partied at college for a few years and almost got a worthless degree

It’s all good

Proved myself incompetent at work though regularly late and often sick

Did not finish some lame project that others were depending on

Tried to do a trick on some extreme toy and shattered my wrist

It’s all good

Got fat before I got old while laughing at my parents from the couch

Paid hundreds for my shoes and left them carelessly, somewhere behind

Got all my term papers from some website and dude, I never even read them

It’s all good

Went off to California to become a trick pro snowboarder

Crept back to mommie’s house next spring with a bent and broken shoulder

Bought a crotch rocket on credit and the very first day I lost it on a curve

It’s all good

Had no money for the dentist until my tooth really started hurting

Had two bad temporary jobs and learned to talk an imitation blues

Got an iPod, a cell phone and a gaming laptop but I really hate to read

It’s all good

I’m off the Ritalin and Prozac that my parents forced on me for years

Now I calm my self with shooters and self-medicate with BC bud

I can really skateboard if your company has an opening

It’s all good

The doors don’t work on my car but my speakers cost 500 each

Not into history and all that shit that happened back like in the ‘60s

Looking for more out of life than what my parents expect from me

It’s all good

Despite reality, we retain our positive self images and play well together

Got a couple STDs and maybe a little brain damage from X and the huffing

Looking for my own path in life and volunteering at a Meth lab

It’s all good

Don’t have a need to do the math and I don’t carry any books

Stimulated my brain with Grand Theft and that badass Puff Daddy

I’m really quite alert even though my eyes remain cast down and closed

It’s all good

Left my messes in the kitchen until my roommates all raged

Put the garbage in the yard and then the dogs spread it all around

Cigarettes can’t really hurt me and it’s ok to stay out in the sun

It’s all good

Lost my driver’s license last year at some big rave party

Left home but hooked up with Jerry’s kids to follow Phish all around

Into instant messaging and Twitter keeps me in touch with reality

It’s all good

Went to private school and had my own tutor so everybody sees I’m special

Dyed my hair and pierced my navel and put tattoos on my tongue

Sleeping late and then eating heavily is the way to start the day

It’s all good

Shared music files and network gaming are raising my consciousness

Ordering takeout Thai from my support job saves me time to tweet

Drove the other car my dad gave me until it wouldn’t go no more

It’s all good

Don’t know how the old people got so fat and bald and slow

Spend my time on couches killing electronic thugs and monsters

My friend said her dad’s computer had a virus right after we just used it

It’s all good

I’ve got good taste in food and make $11 an hour on the phone with losers

Sold my guitar amp on eBay but never got the money

It’s like, hey, whatever, just because I can’t find Somfukinstan on a map

It’s all good

Our Paternalistic Libertarianism

Continuously improve existing social programs with replacement by trickle-down tax cuts for the rich

Save maybe a few of the very last redwoods but enforce the right to life under a penalty of death

Preserve our future with pre-school handgun training and creationism studies for 3^rd graders

Subsidize solar power but, by god, make sure you also hurry up and Drill Baby Drill!

Mandate universal freemarket healthcare with no government regulation, rationing or death panels

End stripmining and clearcutting while keeping federal agencies totally out of private business

Let them recycle to save the planet, but maintain a smirking sarcasm aimed at the clueless squishes

Wrist-slap the bankers but guarantee new terms on their equity-robbed, underwater home loans

Disgorge pre-masticated mouthfuls of difficult decisions but let them go in-depth with alt-right news

Preserve our precious fresh water without any burdensome and intrusive regulations

Establish gay marriage but subject them all to an ongoing, evangelical, christian healing

Dump your trash in the woods as vegans recycle paper to china to make more of your packaging

Ban flag burning but continue letting the government spy on us in secret, with total impunity

End the grocery meat holocaust but without raising the price of our kid’s beloved hot dogs

So save the damn earth but don’t you dare alter the consumer lifestyle of our precious families

Maybe gift Wall Street a phony Cap and Trade market but without forcing any emissions reductions

Teach your sons to fish but don’t enforce the pollution laws so that they might eat what they catch

Convert the government to Spanish for latino votes even while forcefully expelling all those illegales

Purchase plenty of room in commercial prisons after we graduate the fatherless as amoral illiterates

No new taxes ever, but spread car rebates, bank bailouts and loan guarantees all around

Support noble freedom fighters everywhere but crush out all those fanatical terrorist insurgents

Answer the enemy’s illegal invasions with our own pre-emptively defensive wars of liberation

Encourage a reasoned public debate but control it with distorted, donor-funded 30 second soundbites

Destroy unfair foreign trade barriers to allow free export of lobbyists government subsidized products

End abortion murders but continue to ignore the 40% born as bastards to our blessed mothers

Bring God into our government but keep its fool regulations way the hell out of our businesses

In private talks with personal saviors, decide to make war upon the evil fundamentalist jihadis

Call for independent thinking while encouraging their pointless immersion in corporate sports

Cut these wasteful liberal social programs but don’t leave a single child behind at school

Talk of our great love of peace but spend more on weapons than all the other lands combined

Foster a free-range cowboy spirit in those living in dank apartment burrows of suburban wastelands

Scorn the liberal media conspiracy with a thousand conservative, evangelical, fake-news tweets

Encourage math and science while ridiculing scientists from mass entertainment/news pulpits

Proudly stamp Packaged In America on the cheapest imports that you can negligently offshore

Restore their lost but noble native culture through gambling, tobacco, fireworks and liquor

Trumpet Personal Responsibility while creating huge government deficits for their children

Get the mercury out of our kids brains without needless regulation of patriotic coal power plants

Nurture the fragile economy while degrading every natural system that supports it very existence

We Rocked The World

We really dried them ugly toads right out and ran over the slow snakes and dull turtles

We bulldozed the non-producing meadows with their hapless bugs and useless flowers

We got baby bunnies on the run and the little fawns shake in fear from our tractors

Our monster dams create great lakes for roaring by drunkenly in our oversized speedboats

We rocked that ominous silence with the empty braying of our powerful machinery

By god, our chainsaws showed all of those old growth big trees just how tough we really are

Replied quickly, ‘who gives a fuck?!’ when they heard that butterflies was disappearing

Casually blew away the precious topsoil thousands of times faster than it had ever been created

Asked just what the heck was it that any freaking polar bear had ever done for us, anyhew

Always pushed extra diesel smoke through our loud mufflers at them squishy vegan cyclists

Exploited the seas with the same brutal efficiency we had trained upon our cows and pigs

Pushed aside the microscopic ocean life forms with a rain of toxic plastic particulates

Realized that ending that liberal global warming scam would pretty much save the earth

Knocked out them lakes and forests with the acid rain from our mighty coal generators

Wiped out worthless desert fish, tiny mice and silly owls that nobody actually cared about

Combined our noisy and drunken recreation with energy-guzzling environmental destruction

Showed our superiority by increasing our population even as we mass-extinguished other species

Fought against climate change by adjusting our thermostats to suit our imported gym shorts

Disdainfully threw out valuable recyclables in brave, libertarian defense of our personal freedom

Said our god granted only us eternal souls, dominion over the earth and a duty to be fruitful

Viewed greedy, unsustainable, eco-devastating development as patriotic economic progress

Went beyond earthly destruction to the massive murder of warfare at every single opportunity

Laughed cynically about their bleeding heart concern over a few miserable little songbirds

Smashed the ancient mountain tops down into their valleys, gouged out the coal and then left

Harshly mocked their profitless recycling, raw veggie diets and misguided environmentalism

Slaughtered the albatross and dolphin as blind collateral damage in our ocean wide strip-mining

Manufactured our food with all of the care the asians used in mass producing plastic imports

Deftly fragmented habitat and cut off migration routes without so much as even trying…or noticing

Adopted as beloved corpro-sports symbols the revered creatures we had exterminated centuries ago

Did not notice the bees disappearance before we had even learned of their importance

Replied disinterestedly: ‘Huh’ when told that millions of trees were dying all across the West

Asked what was wrong with these people who were all so worked up about them stupid frogs and shit

So what if we filled some stupid seals milk with PCBs and messed up a few lame fish with hormones?

Remained blissfully unaware as invasive plant species spread and wrecked entire ecosystems

Made damn sure our priorities were the family, our economy and a strong national defense

Slept securely, having bargained our fictional souls for the imaginary heaven of our own one true god

Help Me Not To Hate, Let Me Just Ignore

Curb my hatred of the proud and scornful ignorance that loudly proclaims our superiority

Stifle my loathing of greasy car salesmen, lying real estate agents and one-track CEOs

Help cap off my intense disgust with monomaniac self-proclaimed Masters of the Universe

Shame on my anger at the purposeless noise from which we derive so much simple pleasure

Help me not to hate pale political compromise, as satisfying to all sides as cold oatmeal

Stop me from wasting energy railing against the corrupt nature of organized religions

End my bitter diatribes over the rapid and unconscious waste of all of our non-renewables

Let me blissfully ignore the brutal, post-modern efficiency of our food animal holocaust

Grant me relief from my wasted worry over the absolute non-issue of human overpopulation

Control my wish to club those falsely cloaking themselves in so-called Traditional Family ValuesÔ

Halt my useless ranting upon the utter unsustainability of our vapid consumerism

Help me overcome the overwhelming feeling that, this time, the sky really must be falling

Make me just ignore their canned and dumbed-down homilies read with smarmy & self-assured smirks

Enable me to silently accept an ever-filthier and even more degraded natural world, every day

Reduce my revulsion over the grant of divine souls only to us by the musty gods we alone invented

Deliver me from my pointless and weak concern over our agricultural soil microbe communities

Stay my hand from smiting the lawyers, accountants, insurers and financiers

Help me not hate the unquestioned spending of more every year on our so-called dEfense

Don’t let me attack our wise but pale corporate masters safe inside their locked compounds

Staunch my concern over such inconsequentialities as breathable air and potable water

Deaden me to the grating noise of their witlessly destructive gas-powered ‘wreckreation’

Stop me noticing as one beautiful and perfectly adapted species after another just disappears

Keep my mind from dwelling on blackmailed bailouts doled out to banks with no strings attached

Lower my unrealistic expectations regarding our own morality and intelligence

Aid me in not dwelling too long upon the microscopic insignificance of my own tiny voice

Help me not to hate the self-promoters who have to grab the microphone in front of the cameras

Show me I should not look down upon the ordinary sloth, ignorance and obese over-consumption

Quell the anger that arises when I hear the foreign tongues, quite at home in my own land

Let me not even bother to scorn the venal, profit-seeking of the entertainment or tourist industries

Save me from drowning in a rank skepticism fueled daily by all of those so very sordid current affairs

Quiet my rude sarcasm over our hi-def worship of hulking sports illiterates in skin tight pants

Quench my disgust with their never-ending Quick and dirty and the permanent Just for now

Stop me shouting over the stirring faux-patriotic music of their euphemistic sound bite hyperbole

End my squishy concern over all the things that are destroyed daily, without even being noticed

Halt my cynicism as their reasoned debates degrade into loud, twisted exaggeration and blatant lies

Help me not to hate myself so much for being so inextricably dependent on all these ugly things

Both Sides Just Say NO!

        “If he (Obama) was for it, we had to be against it” – Ohio senator George Voinovich
Digging in their heels on another issue to break the arch political enemy, once and for all

Pushing back so hard there’s no time to come up with any real initiatives of their own

Keeping heads down and eyes closed the whole time they’re shaking them and repeating NO!

Winning great victories that result only in the continuation of a bitter partisan stalemate

Stalling for more study using highly-charged, pseudo-scientific, marketing catchphrases

Trotting out the trusted homily of ‘too expensive in jobs and money’ at every opportunity

Keeping every party member voting NO! as a block is their noble plan to save this great land

They educate the electorate with corporate donors, costly lobbyists and slick media heads

Stirring a few outright lies into cleverly mixed sound bites keeps our patriotic fervor fresh

Getting sloganeers to galvanize the lower class again, to reclaim their privileged advantage

Leveraging the common ignorance, greed and sloth to regain power via faux-folksy pandering

Encouraging polarization to help ensure the ongoing paralysis that fosters our undevelopment

Actively promoting inaction by embedding poison pills in all new legislation from the other side

Saving the people time and again by acting out like some constipating intestinal blockage

Encouraging that noisy hatred and distrust instead of quietly-reasoned debate and compromise

Disguising their donor’s agenda with simple, slick, loudly-repeated and expensive propaganda

Hailing the mere blocking of legislation as a triumph of democracy for Traditional Family Values©

Relying on tired parliamentary maneuvers to slow, stall and then kill any and all real action

Nurturing divisive partisan political paralysis in a suicidal scorched earth campaign

Stoutly refusing to raise taxes while bravely halting any attempts to cut costs or benefits

Merely impeding the opposition, we advertise having done our noble duty quite well

Gleefully declaring yet another initiative dead, we add to the list of our accomplishments

We smirk and pose like great white hunters standing atop yet another legislative corpse

Demanding action and shouting out blame even while stubbornly refusing to help craft solutions

Partnering with clever pundits paid for by our corporate sponsors to glorify our stagnation

Making just saying NO! look like we took some real action, as if with torches and pitchforks

Demonizing the opposition to such a degree that any co-operation would be deemed traitorous

Blindly banding together to stall for victory via the patriotic act of yet another filibuster

Determined that all hopey-changey-squishy fairytales shall be crushed beneath our dragging feet

Blocking each initiative and then trumpeting that the opposition has done nothing at all

After digging in our heels and stalling for time, we shall then demand further research

With paid media and corporate support, we inflame the belligerent and ignorant masses

Declaring our righteous anger we whip up a warlike frenzy to ensure that nothing happens

We sync with donors to deface, demean and delay and trumpet the enemy’s ineffectiveness

We’ll rant of awful problems but stifle any action and then sorely bemoan our nation’s situation

We’ll just say NO! in a chorus and then shout out that the people demand a change

Our Outdated Fantasy Of Always More And Ever Bigger

no forest must expand every year to be considered a success

yet, if a company is not growing it is, by definition, going out of business

the seas need not strive to merge to achieve some so-called economies of scale

but we believe formulaic merge and slash somehow creates economic growth

the sunrise faces no pressure to either last longer or to perish

however, free economies must at least increase on average by 3% year after year, forever

sunsets cannot grow more and more beautiful each and every day

nonetheless, for safe long-term growth you can bet all your retirement money on the stock market

each generation is not handsomer, taller and more intelligent than the last

but the military can indefinitely continue its non-discretionary annual budget increases

no species numbers can exceed its environmental carrying capacities over time

but, extinction does not apply to man, created in god’s image, given dominion and a soul

when populations grow too large, biology teaches that they abruptly crash

the infallible and blind marketplace can sustain eternal compound growth

the catch of fish per year did not increase forever despite market demand

yet we can act like non-renewables can always be consumed at faster rates

even fast-food-fattened americans cannot perpetually grow more and more obese

faux luxury and inefficient noisy power can be combined with fuel economy and clean air

family income will not grow larger each and every quarter

yet consumer spending is the driving force behind our wondrously-booming economy

our student’s reading scores must eventually find some pathetic minimum

however, we will always put our people first, even as we continue offshoring efforts

it will not always be cheaper to destroy open land than to bulldoze shoddy junk

our faith in god will see us through the manifest development of our entire great land

evolution does not constantly produce an increasing number of new species

hurry, the biggest sales event ever is going on right now but ends tomorrow

ever larger conglomerates will not finally congeal to form a single global entity

nevertheless, let’s merge and cut staff by 20%, get our bonuses then retire, guilt-free

the future must hold less prosperity for each of us given our increasing numbers

but I’ve almost got enough held back to sign up for another new big-screen TV

plague deaths will grow in total but not as a percentage of population

population planning is a genocidal contradiction to the laws of god and the liberty of man

guess what, our children will not always have a brighter future than their parents

anyway, high-tech innovation and our military will always be there to see us through

unconstrained oil consumption will grow steadily and then must fall off quite sharply

this is no mass extinction and climate change is just as wack as any New Age nonsense

garbage per person will actually decrease with our increasing numbers

capitalism lets the entire world get rich and consume blindly like good Westerners

government cannot plan on permanent growth to hide ever higher outlays

still, now that I’m 55, I think I’ll start putting aside a bit for retirement

listen, in point of fact, the heat and drought will not last forever

our sales look good, possibly even beyond the end of the next quarterly reporting period

even our people can only swallow so many stupid lies and foolish fantasies

this new nighttime fat-burning pill really makes me feel like a million bucks

all our complex, unplanned actions yield unexpected emergent side effects

but you really cannot worry much about the future since it is beyond your control

every mass excess leads to some tipping point of no return

home mortgage funds are an obvious and absolutely safe, high-yield investment

air and water pollution will decrease at some point, in step with our decline

we will keep on praying just like we drink our beer, in both good times and bad

someday there will be no earthbound human souls striving to earn their way to heaven

my personal savior and I discuss matters of great concern to me each and every day

greenhouse gases will subside quite shortly in geologic time

efficiency and recycling are small, personal virtues of dubious social value

our ongoing progress cannot ever approach the destruction of all life on earth

combining topheavy, uncooperative bureaus into super agencies will solve many problems

the human stain will begin to fade even before its spread has ended

we envision better days stretching on forever into the happily-ever-after

we can continue piling all kinds of obvious as well as hidden public debt on the future -

though we continue to destroy their ability to pay through our thoughtless daily consumption

systems requiring compound growth are simply Ponzi perpetual motion machines

let it be known that it shall remain, fellow citizens, as always, Morning In America!

Never Quite Living Within Our Means

Been asking how them 3^rd worlders get by on less than we spend on a damn dog that we just ignore

Discovered we had made our full share of fool, empty noise and then some - Quite a while ago

Financing smaller portions of our happiness lately as it always seems to go stale so quickly now

Got too little righteousness left to keep demanding that everybody else listen to our wise counsel

Even started to consider paying interest on the vast debt we’ve lavished upon our descendants

Trying to find some homemade alternatives to unaffordably eating out 6 or 7 times a week

Laying off the yardmen, oilchangers maids, doggroomers pedicurists, lifecoaches and whatnot

Stopped trying to export morality when we finally realized our own precious children aint got none

Stunned to see we cant afford to keep on doubling our sacred arms spending every ten years

Radicals among us are questioning $100 a month just sos the kids can send unlimited texts

The perpetual $150 cable and internet plans are raisin our outsourced eyebrows, as well

Even wondering if our vast good fortune might not be just dumb luck, and not gods divine blessing

Shrill voices are whining that Middle East war and oil dollars should stay right here at home

Gonna step away from this ratcheting, underwater mortgage we’ve re-fied twice for free money

I’ll get a less expensive lease on a new car and then walk away from that tired, 3 year-old dog

To maintain a competitive financial position, even our banks stopped paying their own debts

We’re savin big on generic cigarettes, beer, hamburg and chips – And, Hell, we’re gettin by

Learning thrift, gambling with my 401k on the market and getting point1% interest at the bank

Realizing we must become experts in complex financial cons and medical insurance billing scams

And now even TV says you cant finance the lifestyle of the rich and famous on a negative savings rate

There are even some whispers that we cant afford to act out as world cowboy sheriff no more

Let em go ahead and repo the snowmobile and jetski and the OHV - They’re trashed anyway

Getting our house in order by slashing education, environment and child welfare spending

Realizing we need to welcome foreign workers to come help pay for our forced early retirements

Cutting costs not having the Chinese build em better than they have to be, or even ever to be fixed

Emerging competitive from bankruptcy by reneging on all promised retiree benefit obligations

Showing financial sense by strategically defaulting on my fortune in mindless credit card debt

Wondering about all those worn-but-once clothes hanging there catching dust in the wife’s closet

Supporting drilling deregelation cause gas prices are way too high for the honest working man

Its becoming clear that Clean Coal is The quick and cheap, green way to energy independence

Started bringing lunch from home now and again, and, Hey, it ain’t even really all that bad

Demanding a smaller government, under God, but you best keep your hands off of my Medicare

Postponing water, sewer and power, school and dam, road and bridge funding until way later

Some are suggesting that even ever more school money will never be enough to replace parenting

Forgoing dental care, prescription drugs and doctor visits sos we can just pay the rent and eat

Yep, finally startin to realize that Within our means dont really mean With no money down