What is That All-Natural Shit We’re Eating?

It’s Mechanically-Separated chicken

What’s in that cellophane really with its list of polysyllabic ingredients, 35 chemicals long?

Just look at that snack of extruded meat byproducts, blister-packed for your grab and go pleasure

Your nutritional needs as efficiently distributed as any mass produced Chinese Wal*Mart plastic

Ever more clever ways of coloring up hydrogenated oils, corn syrup and lots of good old salt

Says this pre-fab energy bar is ‘All-Natural’ – Well, so is the stuff I flush down the toilet

They pick their cage-grown ‘Atlantic’ salmon’s appetizing color off some chemical salesman’s chart

Their healthy organic produce was groped by illegales with diarrhea and unwashed hands

That juicy hamburg has been profitably extended using internals they used to simply throw away

That factory is full of salmonella, rats and roaches but they call their product peanut butter

Their chicken was raised as humanely as their corpro-exec brothers stamp out outsourced auto parts

How is it that all of that nutritionless shit crowding the many snack aisles could be so fattening?

Look at these happily grazing kids, safely shielded from holocaust-style feed lots and slaughterhouses

Why do you need sawdust fiber and Chinese vitamins if your meals are so healthy and nutritious?

Did you notice the same grimy trucks delivering institutional fodder to all your favorite restaurants?

What really makes you overstuff yourself with those too-bright, agent-orange colored Cheetos?

Ever wonder why the bread is so pusy soft that it rips when you just try to spread some fake butter?

How is it that you prefer sugar-enhanced, artificially-flavored snacks to simple fresh fruits?

What ingredients are preserving those ugly layers of fat swelling your body from head to extremity?

Probably all those pesticides just get washed off and we never eat or retain them either, right?

The mass suffering of our meat animals is invisible beneath their clear and sterile wrappers

Surely it’s rational economics that BigMacs are cheaper than green salads made at home

Un-inspected, off-shored, cost-cutting ingredients surely bring only low price benefits to consumers

What is really important to the dairy industry is more milk output per production unit at lower cost

So they feed them grain they cant digest and shoot them full of antibiotics when they sicken

What was that shit in those colorful plastic wrappers that we find carelessly strewn everywhere?

So you don’t read the nutritional information because you can’t understand it, right?

After all, they didn’t raise their prices, they just silently decreased the contents a little bit

Invisible, but rich, food conglomerate CEOs surely care more about you than say, the bankers

Its not evil to hook and fatten kids on bubbly, nutritionless, black, sugary, caffeinated water

Anyway, what could all those spots be, in that red shit they are calling turkey pepperoni?

Rest assured that cutting costs and raising profits rhymes with safe and healthy food

Don’t think about obscenely large-breasted turkeys who can barely stand, much less ever mate

Ignore pig shit, cow patties and chicken wastes and their doctored contents in your tap water

Don’t ask why they genetically engineer and patent crops to resist their own pesticides

Just listen to their warm messages about feeding the world and ignore their global price fixing

What is that funky bluish shit inside that grease-coated donut you just gobbled yet another one of?

Don’t fret over subsidizing corn syrup to fatten us all up and then having to pay for all our diabetes

So, just what is that poisoned, fatty, mass-produced shit we nervously shovel down day in & day out?

It’s Technical-You Pay

The service contract said that we had to pay again even though they made it worse trying to fix it

No, your contract is subject to a binding arbitration with a judge whom we alone get to choose

Technically, we owe you nothing but we have decided to cut your charges by 20%, for one month

Why, we never dreamed our house payment could triple just one year into our new ARM mortgage

Our investment instruments are so complicated that only a no-strings bailout can save your world

Experts blame a computer error for today’s lengthy and widespread technical problems

We can get you a new phone overnite but you must pay for the old one for another month as well

Regrettably, our computerized credit model has determined that we cannot modify your bad loan

All these other power adapters are incompatible but we can offer you this whole new unit, at retail

Per contract, we are not responsible for our technical difficulties resulting in your service outages

I did not understand our trading instruments so I OK’d them based solely on their profit potential

You won’t actually know the exact charge until you get your first bill, Oh, and it will vary monthly

Sir, the bottom line is that you must re-install everything and all your work and settings are lost

This hot new gizmo is perfect except for this one little piece that breaks every time on all of them

They said that it all looks fine from their end so you really shouldn't be seeing a problem on your side

It's not supposed to do that unless you change something else but nobody ever touched a thing here

His said he was Bill but I couldn’t understand him so he put me on hold and hung up after 15 minutes

Their agreement says they are not responsible if it doesn’t work or if anything else bad happens

No, I didn’t read that 12 pages of 4 point font fine print legalese, I only listened to the nice salesman

Come to find out, that expensive warranty doesn’t cover anything that ever could actually break

Never understood why the media ran exposés on the same scams that they sold commercials for

His worth to the firm was incalculable so they guaranteed him millions - even if he failed or was fired

His lawyer said he relished a chance to clear his name but yet he would make no public statements

Their peasant’s 14 hour slave wage days making things they couldn’t afford was hailed as progress

Though their HQ was in Bermuda and their factories in china, their ads were all so very American

Their stock price rose upon the announcement of further cost-cutting led by even more layoffs

He said that their unintelligible legalese was not their scam but was required by the government

It seems the recyclers are losing money since it still costs too much to reuse their free raw materials

She never considered what happened when she flipped a switch so it really was no miracle to her

Though we won’t go into the details here, if you run the numbers you can quite easily see…

This agreement states you must train your offshore replacement to qualify for any severance at all

Even if our own experts disagree on what the tax code actually states, we can fine you in any case

This undiagnosed pre-existing condition disqualifies your claim and also, we are canceling your policy

Initialing here means we cannot be held liable for any risks we downplay, ignore or don’t understand

This says you cannot sue us but it’s really just so you might not even try if something bad happens

It actually states that we can cancel your contract anytime but you have no way to ever get out of it

How Real Conservatives Sacrifice

‘Let us sacrifice our today so that our children can have a better tomorrow.’  A.P.J. Abdul Kalam

To feed divinely-mandated population growth, we seek more intensive farming on increased acreage

We must abandon this foolish carbon tax idea that threatens an ever-fragile economic recovery

Sadly, we will not even be able to debate funding the cleanup of our surface waters right now

The savings of the thrifty must be sacrificed to no-strings-attached bailouts for the moneychangers

The Pygmies and the Inuit must help pay our dues, right along with the Orangs and the Bonobos

We ask that desert species permanently accept this new hotter, drier and windier order

Microscopic ocean life forms will simply have to adapt to consuming our rain of plastic particulates

Migrating elephants must stop feeding upon the crops we now must grow on their ancient pathways

We propose massive cuts to biodiversity to be offset by large increases in human numbers

Many un-cataloged rain forest species must be replaced by new bioengineered monocrops

To meet our taste for fish we must foster their extinction by driving up their prices

Corporate farms will be forced to degrade the soils to meet the nutritional needs of good families

Consumers must accept ecologically devastating imports which don’t work, then simply break

Trees need to begin migrating to survive this absolutely unpreventable, unproven change in climate

The frogs had best be making some kind of peace with their inevitable and imminent extinction

We are drafting a plan to pack ever more of our people into sprawling unmanaged ghettos

Healthcare spending must be slashed as it threatens such truly important items as defense

We must enforce the tacit global agreement to collectively bury our heads in the sand

Please grant your old jobs to foreigners and believe that the better ones come to you tomorrow

We ask that polar bears and musk oxen take Personal Responsibility for their adaptation

Nearly all of us must accept a uniformly low living standard in the name of globalization

It is not without some regret that we unveil our new energy independence through coal initiative

During these times of real crisis, noise and light pollution are simply not on our agenda

We must secretly violate your privacy to prevent more awful attacks we cannot mention

We ask mothers to carry PCBs, metals and hormones in their milk for the sake of our progress

Our people must bravely sacrifice their children’s futures to fulfill their own implanted desires

The songbirds shall be called upon to disappear from their shredded habitats everywhere

Our rivers will have to carry the burden of our billion points of unconscious toxic runoff

The last old growth forests will be asked to provide us with a few bad, but temporary logging jobs

Sales reps of all one true gods must demand blinder faith for empty promises of eternal salvation

Bankers will be asked to endure symbolic wrist-slappings as they grasp at more unaudited handouts

Oil companies must accept record profits on a declining supply yet subvert all energy alternatives

For the sake of leaving not one child behind, we seek a general dumbing down of all of society

We petition coal extractors to patriotically hold down costs thru non-remediated strip-mining

Regrettably, as His chosen people we must pursue a cowboy exceptionist foreign policy, in His name

In this time of shared sacrifice we ask for a continued suspension of our collective common sense

Ignoring Harmful Economic Externalities

Externality -A consequence of an economic activity that is experienced by unrelated third parties

Silt-filled rivers are no concern of those whose livelihoods depend on the timber harvest

Heavy metals leaching after the mine closed is not part of their successful business plan

Product and packaging disposal or reclamation has no place in an accurate profit model

Emission restrictions are useless job-killing taxes, not production expenses or investments

Reneging on pension and bond obligations permits us to be competitive going forward

We need not consider public services in our housing and commercial development plans

Requiring the cleanup of acid-laced lakes is an unfair competitive burden on coal power plants

We must remain free to emit all our new compounds with no responsibility for unknown effects

Air and water are inexhaustible free goods available to all producers and consumers

Industrial diseases are basically unintended, but necessary, by-products of our good progress

Business production planning naturally seeks to avoid the extra expense of waste disposal

Any mandated expenses distort the free market, but our government subsidies are a necessity

Prevention may be important, but our profit model only requires treatment and drugs

Social programs are horribly inefficient yet insurers cannot compete with government healthcare

We rightfully mine fossil water royalty-free to maintain our short-term agricultural profits

Agribusiness firms do not bear responsibility for the runoff that taints our mother’s milk

Ignoring externalities lowers consumer prices and gives producers competitive advantage

Your typically misguided regulation costs too much money and sacrifices too many jobs

Waste disposal firms derive no revenue from proper separation and safe storage practices

Mountain top removal justifiably focuses solely on the efficient extraction of the valuable coal

Rational consumers purchase based on benefits to themselves, not on some hazy future

A sustainable ocean harvest means fewer profits and smaller dividends this quarter

Soil degradation boosts short-term bottom line and earns CorproAg managers fat bonuses

Our responsibility for the fertilizers and weed killers we produce ends at their point of sale

We are, indeed, stewards of this earth but our profit-bound businesses certainly are not

There is no recourse for the regrettable respiratory effects of diesel-powered transport

The loss of songbirds is sad yet inevitable collateral damage of a healthy consumerism

Disposal of cheap, unskilled, young labor has no reportable downsides for globalization

Deplorably, salmon fishing ends because desert farmers need all of the polluted river water

That the rainbow-hued jungle birds take up mercury from the gold mines is merely a real shame

Real estate developers bear no financial burdens for smog, traffic and loss of watersheds

Should your statutes become too burdensome, our production will move where rules are lax

Dead zones at our river mouths are too complicated to stop and too expensive to restore

We need not book any ill-effects of our canned developments on non-renewable tourist areas

Deposits on recyclables are foolish socialist meddling in lawfully completed transactions

Neither government nor business bears the responsibility for the environment that sustains both

Industry Self-Regulation Not Gov’t Intrusion

Surely logging interests wouldn’t clearcut so far as to silt up the streams and ruin riparian habitat

Hog farmers will responsibly provide us with affordable chops without just dumping all the manure

Altruistic corporate leaders won’t boost profits with cheaper, un-inspected, foreign food ingredients

Surely it can’t cost us a hundred times what it costs Africans for the privilege of having a cell phone

Oil producers will surely have proven tested contingency plans and practiced emergency procedures

Factories won’t simply dump untested new chemicals just because there’s not yet a law against them

Surely banks would not bet against funds they built to fail yet still push them to good customers

Secret internal monitoring will probably prevent rogue perverted clergy from molesting our children

Insurers would never pay commissions for twisting arcane technicalities to deny costly procedures

We also don’t need government death panels making treatment decisions for good family doctors

Unregulated mountain top removal will yield us a safe and cheap, coal-based energy independence

You really can count on wise global oligarchs, meeting in secret, to craft a better world for us all

Trust selfless defense contractors to patriotically hold down costs and not invent bogeymen

Unconstrained, agribusiness will conserve water, provide safe foods and sustain our soils forever

Industries will self-regulate to reduce CO2 emissions even though it may even reduce their profits

Setting the amount of salt, calories and fats in our food is best left to corporate marketers

The Best and Brightest over there on Wall Street must be permitted unfettered financial innovation

Supply and demand will prevent invisible multinationals from strip-mining the open seas of all life

Heavy-handed rules and regulation can only cost hard-working families excessive jobs and money

Industry councils will devise voluntary guidelines to properly address virtually any issue

BigPharma wont push phony lifestyle drugs, ignore 3^rd world suffering and jack up generic prices

The informed consumer will wisely avert epidemics of obesity, diabetes and coronary disease

Lifetime judges would never actively misinterpret the constitution to misconstrue the people’s will

Monopolies, tariffs and subsidies without oversight or taxes are not the only corporate lobbying goals

Investment banks do not use their unregulated financial creativity to blackmail world markets

Lawyers would never let their ads degenerate into despicably misleading sales pitches to sufferers

Real estate professionals nobly self-monitor conflicts of interest, omissions and deceptions

Gamblers, smokers and drinkers can retain control of their lives thru Personal Responsibility

Carmakers would’ve tackled safety, economy and emissions themselves without intrusive mandates

Food conglomerates don’t need oversight for targeting kids with addiction to caffeine, sugar and fat

Merging cable providers actually does increase competition, efficiency and lowers consumer prices

A fuel of blind sociopathic greed guided by short term stock gains yields our globally optimum future

No one would dream of creating a non-profit to swindle duped donors out of contributions

Fuzzy and expensive sustainability policies lead back down the slippery slope of that failed socialism

Unfettered, untraceable access to any type of weapon is a god-given, constitutionally-enshrined right

Secretly spying on our private lives requires no oversight if we, as citizens really have nothing to hide