Continuously improve existing social programs with
replacement by trickle-down tax cuts for the rich
Save maybe a few of the very last redwoods but enforce the
right to life under a penalty of death
Preserve our future with pre-school handgun training and
creationism studies for 3rd graders
Subsidize solar power but, by god, make sure you also hurry
up and Drill Baby Drill!
Mandate universal freemarket healthcare with no government
regulation, rationing or death panels
End stripmining and clearcutting while keeping federal
agencies totally out of private business
Let them recycle to save the planet, but maintain a smirking
sarcasm aimed at the clueless squishes
Wrist-slap the bankers but guarantee new terms on their
equity-robbed, underwater home loans
Disgorge pre-masticated mouthfuls of difficult decisions but
let them go in-depth with alt-right news
Preserve our precious fresh water without any burdensome and
intrusive regulations
Establish gay marriage but subject them all to an ongoing,
evangelical, christian healing
Dump your trash in the woods as vegans recycle paper to
china to make more of your packaging
Ban flag burning but continue letting the government spy on
us in secret, with total impunity
End the grocery meat holocaust but without raising the price
of our kid’s beloved hot dogs
So save the damn earth but don’t you dare alter the consumer
lifestyle of our precious families
Maybe gift Wall Street a phony Cap and Trade market but
without forcing any emissions reductions
Teach your sons to fish but don’t enforce the pollution laws
so that they might eat what they catch
Convert the government to Spanish for latino votes even
while forcefully expelling all those illegales
Purchase plenty of room in commercial prisons after we
graduate the fatherless as amoral illiterates
No new taxes ever, but spread car rebates, bank bailouts and
loan guarantees all around
Support noble freedom fighters everywhere but crush out all
those fanatical terrorist insurgents
Answer the enemy’s illegal invasions with our own
pre-emptively defensive wars of liberation
Encourage a reasoned public debate but control it with
distorted, donor-funded 30 second soundbites
Destroy unfair foreign trade barriers to allow free export
of lobbyists government subsidized products
End abortion murders but continue to ignore the 40% born as
bastards to our blessed mothers
Bring God into our government but keep its fool regulations
way the hell out of our businesses
In private talks with personal saviors, decide to make war
upon the evil fundamentalist jihadis
Call for independent thinking while encouraging their
pointless immersion in corporate sports
Cut these wasteful liberal social programs but don’t leave a
single child behind at school
Talk of our great love of peace but spend more on weapons
than all the other lands combined
Foster a free-range cowboy spirit in those living in dank
apartment burrows of suburban wastelands
Scorn the liberal media conspiracy with a thousand
conservative, evangelical, fake-news tweets
Encourage math and science while ridiculing scientists from
mass entertainment/news pulpits
Proudly stamp Packaged In America on the cheapest imports
that you can negligently offshore
Restore their lost but noble native culture through gambling,
tobacco, fireworks and liquor
Trumpet Personal Responsibility while creating huge
government deficits for their children
Get the mercury out of our kids brains without needless
regulation of patriotic coal power plants
Nurture the fragile economy while degrading every natural system that supports it very
existence
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