Surely logging interests wouldn’t clearcut so far as to silt
up the streams and ruin riparian habitat
Hog farmers will responsibly provide us with affordable
chops without just dumping all the manure
Altruistic corporate leaders won’t boost profits with
cheaper, un-inspected, foreign food ingredients
Surely it can’t cost us a hundred times what it costs
Africans for the privilege of having a cell phone
Oil producers will surely have proven tested contingency
plans and practiced emergency procedures
Factories won’t simply dump untested new chemicals just
because there’s not yet a law against them
Surely banks would not bet against funds they built to fail
yet still push them to good customers
Secret internal monitoring will probably prevent rogue
perverted clergy from molesting our children
Insurers would never pay commissions for twisting
arcane technicalities to deny costly procedures
We also don’t need government death panels making treatment
decisions for good family doctors
Unregulated mountain top removal will yield us a safe and
cheap, coal-based energy independence
You really can count on wise global oligarchs,
meeting in secret, to craft a better world for us all
Trust selfless defense contractors to patriotically hold
down costs and not invent bogeymen
Unconstrained, agribusiness will conserve water, provide
safe foods and sustain our soils forever
Industries will self-regulate to reduce CO2 emissions even
though it may even reduce their profits
Setting the amount of salt, calories and fats in our food is
best left to corporate marketers
The Best and Brightest over there on Wall Street must be
permitted unfettered financial innovation
Supply and demand will prevent invisible multinationals from
strip-mining the open seas of all life
Heavy-handed rules and regulation can only cost hard-working
families excessive jobs and money
Industry councils will devise voluntary guidelines to
properly address virtually any issue
BigPharma wont push phony lifestyle drugs, ignore 3rd
world suffering and jack up generic prices
The informed consumer will wisely avert epidemics of
obesity, diabetes and coronary disease
Lifetime judges would never actively misinterpret the
constitution to misconstrue the people’s will
Monopolies, tariffs and subsidies without oversight or taxes
are not the only corporate lobbying goals
Investment banks do not use their unregulated financial
creativity to blackmail world markets
Lawyers would never let their ads degenerate into despicably
misleading sales pitches to sufferers
Real estate professionals nobly self-monitor conflicts of
interest, omissions and deceptions
Gamblers, smokers and drinkers can retain control of their
lives thru Personal Responsibility
Carmakers would’ve tackled safety, economy and emissions
themselves without intrusive mandates
Food conglomerates don’t need oversight for targeting kids
with addiction to caffeine, sugar and fat
Merging cable providers actually does increase
competition, efficiency and lowers consumer prices
A fuel of blind sociopathic greed guided by short term stock
gains yields our globally optimum future
No one would dream of creating a non-profit to
swindle duped donors out of contributions
Fuzzy and expensive sustainability policies lead back down
the slippery slope of that failed socialism
Unfettered, untraceable access to any type of weapon
is a god-given, constitutionally-enshrined right
Secretly
spying on our private lives requires no oversight if we, as citizens really
have nothing to hide
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